new confused father

[train73]

I'm expecting my 1st child in a couple months. I didn't plan on being with the woman who is having it or plan the child.

I have no idea how to go about making sure I get to see the child. The woman who is  having my baby threatens to make sure I never get to see it if I don't stay with her, but she makes my life absolutely miserable and I don't want the child to have to deal with that. Its not fair to him.

What can I do? I've heard that she doesn't have to let me see the baby for the 1st 2 years. I want to be in this child's life every step of the way, but I can't fake a relationship with the woman any longer. Its killing me

I can't afford any long legal battles or lawyers or anything. I really feel stuck.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ocean]

First, you should have a paternity test done to make sure this baby is yours. If you are the father, you can go to court and get visitation, even as an infant. Many fathers get overnights as well. Sign yourself us for a parenting class and go get certified in CPR. It will look good in court :) Good luck! Keep posting and there are many people that will help you.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Well, the bad news is that you may have picked a lousy woman to be the mother of your child.

The good news is that you have plenty of time to start learning about how child custody works.

The other bad news is that it is in your interest to FAKE IT for a couple more months.  That will help you in your determination to be a father.

The final bad news is that if you don't stay with the woman, you WON'T be a father every step of the way.

You're going to get limited time with the child as a newborn, though it may be frequent time.

Your worst case scenario, as a never-married father, is if the mother moves away or keeps the baby away from you prior to any court orders.  You've got an even bigger uphill battle at that point.

So, I would suggest that you spend $70 on "Win Your Child Custody War" by Hardwick.  There's a link to it on my website, or you can order it straight from Amazon.  Send it to a location (e.g., your work) where the mother won't see it.

Do your best to stick around the mother until after the birth.  You can't really file any paperwork until the baby is born.  If you're "with" the mother at birth, you may get your name on the birth certificate as the father... that will help you (but not a slam dunk).

If you screwed up and got a woman pregnant in a casual relationship, you've got a price to pay.  That price is having to deal with her for 18 years, if you want to be a father... and it could indeed lead to long legal battles.  It will also require monthly child support payments once you separate from the mother.

However, the price does not include sacrificing your relationship with the child.  If you proceed correctly, the court will help you protect that (maybe not as ideally as you'd like, but you'll be involved with this child for 18 years, by court order).

Your best bet may be to get your paperwork ready to file with the court shortly after the birth, and do your homework to understand an appropriate parenting plan for a newborn, 6 month old, 1 year old, 2 year old, etc.

I agree with the previous poster that you may want to enroll in a parenting class as soon as the baby is born.  It wouldn't hurt you, and it may help you.

[wendl]

welcome.

You need to establish paternity,also file a restraining order restraining her and the cihld from moving out of the state.

Once paternity is established, you need a visitation order  (my ex and I were not married, he got overnights at 5 months once paternity was established, but 13yrs ago it took that long for the DNA results, that isn't the case now)

Expect to pay child support as well. DO NOT give her cash or money after the child is born, if you feel you want to help her right check and in the memo put CHILD SUPPORT so it is not considered a gift.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[ccmidaho]

My boyfriend was in your exact situation (before I knew him) and believe me there is plenty you can do now to save yourself a lot of heartache.
First, get a family law attorney and do NOT sign any parenting agreement without having your lawyer involved in it. There are great parenting plans on this site that you can use as a starting point.

Have your lawyer get all your paperwork ready so that the second that baby is born you can petition the court for time with your child. I believe you can even get a blood sample at the time of birth for DNA testing to establish paternity. Arrange it ahead of time.

In your parenting plan, do not settle for anything that is vague. e.g. "Father will have liberal visititation" or father will start overnights with the child between 12-18 months. etc.  If its vague then she doesn't have to do anything and you will just spend money in court over and over.

Document everything you do. And I mean everything. One of the biggest mistake my boyfriend made was not documenting. Document every conversation you have, record her conversations if you can, document every dollar you give her for anything and make sure you pay child support (sorry you have to do this no matter what). Document every visit you have with the child, what you did, what he ate, diapers changed. Everything. Do everything you can to be involved with the child EARLY ON. Do not wait whatever you do.

Take a parenting class NOW. Don't wait until the child is born.

You have a right to start having unsupervised visits with this child immediately, on a regular basis including overnights. Exercise this right immediately and go to court if you have to to get it. If you create a status quo situation in which the mother is doing most of the parenting from the start, you are immediately at a disadvantage.

Don't expect to change the parenting agreement that you sign later. That was the mistake my boyfriend made. The woman tricked him into signing something and she told him it could all change later when the child was a year old. Now he is trying to get more time and she won't let him. So now he as to go to court and the burdon is on him to prove a substantial change in circumstance.

I only wish that we had known about this website before the child was born like you do. Use this website for information. She cannot do what she is telling you so do not believe her! You do have a right to see your child and the court will support you in this right but you must have your act together early on.

It was only after having this situation happen to us and coming to this site that I became ashamed of woman everywhere for this kind of treatment of the fathers of their children. Good luck to you.