Opinions/Help/Advice

[stressednga]

My boyfriend of 4 years has a child from his previous marriage. This child loves being with us and is under a lot of stress with her mother and what I consider to be emotional abuse from her mother.

The mother has her in dance classes EVERY DAY until 930 at night (earliest night ends at 8) and the child is starting to hate it. She feels she has to be perfect. She asked my daughter about being anorexic.  She sent her away to dance camp for the entire summer in another state by herself denying dad his summer visits. We are making up the weeks now during regular time. She has manipulated Spring Breaks also which he is awarded. He hates to punish the child by having her miss fun opportunities just because it is his assigned visitation but at this rate, the child never gets to spend time with him.

She wrote a letter to me saying she wished she was prettier, smarter, better dancer, better cheerleader, made better grades (makes all A's) thinner, more prefect, said she wished she didn't have to be someone she wasn't to keep other people happy (her parents).

She has told me that mom threatens her with a belt if she doesn't tell her everything she does and everything said when she is with us.  She has to control every action of this poor girl. Its seems like she has to be totally dominant over her.  

She talks badly about the father and tells her things like he doesn't care about us anymore, he won't pay for you to do this, etc... She even invited him to go to her mothers house for Thanksgiving dinner in front of the child knowing that it was inappropriate situation and therefore making him the bad guy for not going. I told him he should have gone. It would have taught the mother a lesson.

What can I do to help this child? She has said she wants to live with dad but she is very afraid of her mother and I dont know that she would be capable of telling anyone (a judge) that is what she wanted out of fear of talking then having to go back with mom. I am so afraid of this child and what she will do if she continues to feel so overwhelmed. Any suggestions?

[ravenx329]

first off I start by saying if she (the x-wife) does anything to interupt visitation then she is in contempt of a court order, and you should first get this put on a court docket ASAP, the sooner the less harm. Secondly the whole "perfect syndrom" is a type of child abuse as the mother is actually trying to live her life through her daughter because she was not good enough, or that is the way she feels. I would call the schools principal and guidance counciler and let them be aware of the problem. That way they can talk to the daughter as well and get some documented info. I can never express that documentation is the #1 thing that you should do. As one person told me. Get a spiral notebook, and start yesterday. never skip lines and always write on both sides of the paper. This way you can not doctor the papers, or have someone say that you did. The next time you all get his daughter I STRONGLY recommend you getting her into a psychologist, or psychiatrist. Money should never be an issue when it come to a child well being. In fact make an appt. for the psych. doc NOW so that when his daugther does visit you can take her right on in without haveing to wait til the next visit. See what they have to say. Lastly if something comes up from the psych dr and they think or you think she is being abused in any way call CPS. they may not take this as an abuse case right off but then again if you know there is abuse going on then you are just as guilty as the mother doing the damage. What are you waiting for!!!! Go make some phone calls!! here is a real good one for help 1-800-children (by the way cps is child protection services)
      Hope I helped, even the smallest of help can move a mountain.
                    Jason

[stressednga]

We have a 40 page log but it is on the computer.  Is that bad?   We have seen an attorney who says that the chances of removing the child from the mothers custody is almost impossible (we hold on the the ALMOST) its not that we want to "take her away" ... we just want her to be safe and happy. I believe the child needs counseling. Majority of the time we have her, its alway the weekend.

Is it considered interrupting visitation for her to have to go to all the dance classes? I told him he would NOT be in contempt if he didn't take her but I bet it would not look good on him in court.  

We can't call the school principal or the guidance counselor as they are both "great buddies" with mom. We went to the guidance counselor at the first sign of the child's distress and she was called from her class to speak to them. Mom knew about the concern, the meeting and everything that was said before we got home from work...

I have her meeting today with a director of a local children's group that speaks out for children in court.  She is like a guardian ad litem director.   She is not a lawyer nor a judge but she works with both on a daily basis. The problem is "will the child talk to her" ?  My daughter is very close to the child and she does not think she will.  Even if she does, she is a child that tells people what she thinks that they want to hear.  That is part of the trouble accessing all the problems. Either way at a bare minimum this child needs counseling.  I'm hoping the woman today can at least assess if she agrees that she needs it. If she does, I assume the mother will HAVE to take her if we pushed it through the courts correct?