Remember, it's for the kids

[crayiii]

Gosh, I seem to be throwing pitty parties for myself every other day.  It's a constant fight, a battle, an argument, the CRAP!!!!  I have filed contempt charges against my wife (divorce still isn't final after a year) for not letting me talk to our son on the phone.  I get the physical time (twice a month), she hasn't ever not put him on the plane.  But to get her to answer the phone when I call for my court ordered calls (3 per week) is like pulling teeth.  

This is the second time I'm taking her to court over this.  The first time the judge gave her hell and changed the order to be specific on days and times.

I hate court.  I hate that I can't afford an attorney and she has one (paid by me partially).  I get sick to my stomache.  I have to fight to keep from getting physically sick.  Not because I'm scared to talk, I'm a public speaker and don't have a problem making a convincing speach.  I get sick because of the power that one person sitting there has.  The ultimate power that the judge has.  I have to ask, beg, for them to allow me to have contact with my child.

I get scared. I hate it.  I drive 350 miles each way for the "pleasure" of putting myself through the hell of court just for a FRIGGEN phone call!!!!

I don't know how many times I have thought about just giving up.  Just saying "you win" and walking away.

Then, the phone is picked up and I hear "I love you daddy".

That's why I do it.

[zutalurs]

Amen brother.
Keep up the fight, as hard as it may seem.
It feels to me like each dad who gives in and walks away puts us two steps further back than we just were.
Someday our Rosa Parks will refuse to move, and the tide will turn towards equity in father's rights.  Maybe you can be that person. Maybe I can.  But not if we don't all keep fighting.

[crayiii]

I just spoke to my former attorney.  The attorney that I could no longer pay and included in my bankruptcy.  I told him I would sign an agreement to pay him what was discharged in payments if he would please help me.  He's sending me the agreement tomorrow.

I have no idea how I'm going to pay.  I'll figure it out I guess.  I just know that I don't have it in me to go it alone anymore.  I need the break while someone else (an attorney) deals with things.

My girlfriend sat down with me last night and told me that she was worried.  I spend all my time and energy fighting all of this.  The only break I take is when my son is here.  For those couple of days, I'm the normal "me" again.  She told asked me what good I would be to my son if I keep this up and end up with a heart attack, severe depression, nervous breakdown, or some other ailment.  She's right.

I get my hopes up each night that I'm supposed to have my phone call.  Then, when I don't get it, I'm devestated.  This goes on for a couple of months so I file papers then get a call from my wife begging for forgiveness and promising that it will never happen again and I fall for it.  I'm so worn out from fighting that I believe her.

Yup, I gotta pay for an attorney.  Somehow...

[Sunshine1]

Crayii, it will get better.  The attorney is going to help you right?  You better get that in writing before you sign it.  I did the same thing I promised to pay mine if he didn't attack me with a judgement...and he didn't.  We are still paying off 30,000 from my DH divorce/custody battle....AND we have had to start a new one with my ex, which has led to a grand total so far this year for various things I have needed him for to the tune of 12,000.  We have got the other bill down to 7000.00.

What you described your girlfriend said was exactly me.  I never left the internet, I was always documenting and copying or researching something.  I was getting whatever information I could on her to get those kids away from her.  I did under handed things, I did legal things and I would sit and read whatever I could to have my DH prepared.  I could name any date and tell you what happened on that date from being obsessed with my calendar and documenting EVERYTHING.

It will settle down, and personally, I think you are doing the right thing by consuming yourself in it, but you do need to take breaks.  You do need to make a date night with your girlfriend and her son, and there is no talk of your battle.  It will make you feel better and it will certainly make her feel better you are paying attention to her.

Unfortunately our game has never stopped, but we did get custody of the boys and I thank God for that!  If you let her get away with the phone calls and you give up, then she will move on to something new like not putting him on the plane when she's supposed to.  Then if you give up on that, she will then move and conceal where she went and then game over...Dad's out of the picture and then your real emotional battle will start.

You need to set her straight so she stays on the up and up.  At least your child will know you did everything you could for him and when he is older you can show him, and tell him "look, I never stopped trying to see you and talk to you!"

Gipsy had to take his ex back about 50 times for contempt and she finally shaped up, and stopped all her crap, because it was 1200.00 each time she did it.  Adds up.

Hang in there, you have come so far.  I read all your posts, and I saw your movie.  You are very inspiring to all those other fathers who are on the verge of giving up.  You know the saying, it always gets worse before it gets better...you are on the home stretch dear.

Good Luck I am praying for you.  :)  Sunshine.  :)

[Emasculated1]

hey, brother, no matter what, your son loves you.

i guess i should tell my story. i am the father of two beautiful boys. they are by two different women and they are a month apart. i have been dealing with the child support beast for three years now. i was never a deadbeat father. I WAS NEVER A DEADBEAT FATHER! i was there for these women every chance i got, gave money even when i hardly had any, and couldn't wait until my boys grew so i could do all the things my father never did with me. but it wasn't meant to be. since both of these women went on welfare, the state charged me with everything they gave them. i am over $6,000 in the hole, and i didn't even know anything. but, the part that hurts me to my soul is, there was never a custody plan made up. so these women have my kids. and, since i don't kiss butt, i don't see them. i have been humiliated by these women on several occassions. either i was being harassed for sex (with my first child's mother) and told i didn't care when i refused, or i had to hunt for my second son's mom (which i never could catch up with.) i felt like i was the bad guy, and these women made sure it stayed that way. i would buy christmas presents and never get a chance to give them to my boys because i wouldn't  do what they said. i brought birthday presents and never saw then being opened. i brought easter baskets, clothes, toys, books, and the whole nine yards, all in an attempt to show my sons how much i loved them. i never got a thank you, a call, nothing. i would buy these women mother's day cards and sign them for my boys. father's day came and i got nothing. then, child support came. and i was broke. i couldn't pay my rent, fix my car, or do anything for myself. my whole manhood was crushed, and yet the cards were still in their hands and i had to eat it. if i took my oldest son out to the movies, his mother had to come along "to make sure he was ok." like i'd hurt my own son. if i finally chased down my youngest son and took him to the park, his mother would follow and tell me all the crap i WASN'T doing for him. i started to hate women, all women. my mother said "just keep paying and wait until the boys are grown up." i became depressed, and often thought of suicide. i still do, and i really can't see why not. i have a lawyer now (paid for by my girlfriend) and a job that pays jack, but the child support is still going out. i have a little hope that one day soon me and my sons will be together, but that's all it is. i really want you to know that you are on the right track, and that you have my support and respect for just fighting for your rights. i'm new here, and right now, i just wanted someone who was going through what i was going through to talk to.

[crayiii]

Thank you folks for the kind words.  Trust me, I will keep fighting.  It's 3:20 in the morning.  I'm showered, shaved, getting my tie on.  Getting ready to start me 5.5 hour drive to the court house...

[debid13065]

I keep saying the same to my BF, his X is relentess.  Document, Document, Document, I kept telling him although I do most of it.  3 months of no visitation with a court ordered tue/thurs 5-7 sat 10-8.  Sent denial of visitation letters certified mail to her and the courts once a week outlining the attempt and what transpired.  Last two denials the cops were called and reports were filed.  Been documenting everything since June.  Had a court date of 11/10, brought her in for contempt!  Had chart with the dates, who came, denials. 40 days, he saw his kids 13 times since the order was established. Had info on telephone contact, counseling attempts, her behavior.  Mediator was impressed and he told her if it wasn't for my GF, I'd be sitting here with nothing.  Even wrote up what he wanted to say to the judge.  Anyway, it all worked out!  She got a suspended sentence, 30 days at the house of correction!  She was ballistic in court, because i was there, they almost thru her out.  Judge remembered the case once X started the ranting and raving.  She told the Judge "I'm not going to force my kids to go" Judge said "YOU WILL FORCE THOSE KIDS TO GO BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!"  BULLEYE!  
It's a ton of work, I've read all sorts of post on website, sat at my kitchen table after work till 11pm just reading puting things in order, but it worked out for him, and just so you know.  BF was totally ready to walk away, he was heartbroken, the kids were treating him like the X treats him, but it was her the ENTIRE time playing them as puppets.  I kept telling him he hasn't given it enough time, don't stop fighting yet, the damage is just starting and will be stopped.  Guess what!  It got stopped on 11/10, now just waiting for one wrong move and WHAMO going for custody, oh ya, judge asked him "how come you haven't filed for custody?"  Anyway, his outlook is so much better now, he spend the entire day saturday with his kids, found out alot of info from them, and now he knows they truly love and miss him, and they are under her control.  Hang in there, the kids are worth it!

[dontunderstand]

Keep your head up, it will get easier!  There are so many dads like you out there and you give them hope and inspiration.  DH and I are the same way, we spend hours of what if's and literally hours on the phone to our attorney monthly.  We document and do all of the things that we shouldn't have to do, but do because we have to.  We have to let SD know that there is a better life out there for her and there are people that care about and love her, not for a pay check, but for her.  We get tired and DH and I take it out on each other, but mostly we know that in the end our daughter will know that her dad, s-mom, and bonus sister love her more than any dollar amount could buy...