Not divorced Yet.......Help!!

[holler at me]

She wanted out for years, but I kept trying to make it work. Finally couldnt take the abuse(boyfriend in the pic of course) or put my kids thru the arguing and fighting anymore  so I agreed on my terms....

petition drew up said I keep kids 4 nights she 3nights, I keep the house and she moves out in a year, I am primary residental parent, and no alimony niether of us asking for CS.  

Got the court date two months later judge asked if we agreed to terms she said no. so we sat with a mediator......needless to say the pressure from him and her got to me and I signed my life away.

Got home and actually read the new agreement, She keeps the house I pay 1800 in CS, I get kids every other weekend from friday night to be home by 6pm sun, and whenever she had evening work or school which added up to me having the 12% of the time, which in reality would never go down like that. I have to be out in 30 days.

Next day I filed a motion for that agreement to be tossed!! Judge granted, now we are scheduled for mediation again this thurs I know she wont budge.

Of course there are underlying situations that may have caused her to change her mind from the initial arrangement ie; my newly found love intrest, she was fine knowing I was miserable without her and now that I have moved on she wants to make me suffer.

She's always had a job now she wont work, she said she doesnt feel like it. She feels she is intitled to keep the house and want primary custody of the kids so she can recieve CS. She wants me out I'm sure so her boyfriend can move in.

Seeing that the we the men always get the short end, I'm not there yet Any advice to help me?

[BelleMere]

Go over all the issues that you want to challenge and figure out which ones you are willing to compromise on. Then act like you really REALLY hate to compromise on those things, and eventually give in. This worked for my DH, who used to pretend like doing both pick up and drop off was a major burden and inconvenience (really, he saw it as more quality time because for some reason the kids and he could really talk in the car, but knew SHE would think it a burden also) so when he gave in on that, she was more willing on other things. Because she felt she "won"

If I were you, I'd make the house one of those things. Trust me when I tell you that you will one day be with a love interest who does NOT appreciate being in what she will think of as another woman's "space" - in the meantime, act like it will break your heart to lose it, but you must prepare yourself to move out and on.

The real issues, to me, would be more time with your kids. And I think  you can and should argue for 50/50, especially if you live close by. CS is probably calculated on some kind of equation and unless it's totally breaking you, I wouldn't fuss over that too much (unless you live in a state where it is calculated based on time spent with each parent . . .in which case it would change - as for her working, many states now impute income so even if she quits you could argue she has the potential to make at least min wage). Who has residential custody doesn't really matter, in a way - you still have all your parental rights and you can and should advocate on a regular basis for input into their schooling and medical care.

But your #1 priority here should be time with the kids. Also ask for the "right of first refusal" - which is to say, instead of her getting a babysitter she calls you (right?)

The other thing I would do, in the meantime, is keep a log of all contact with the kids. Ask for additional time with them, call them every day or every other day, and so on - go to school events, meet with teachers about their grades if needed. When my DH went in for the first CO modification, we were able to make a color coded calendar that showed that he spent some part of nearly every other day with them (BM was claiming he never saw them) - but you do have to have proof.

And if you want more insight into negotiation, get the little books "Getting to Yes" and "Getting Past No" - very handy.

[4honor]

The likelihood of her getting the house over you is high, but since your name will be on the loan, she will trash teh house or your credit. You want it sold and out from under it.

[Sunshine1]

Exactly!  DH's Ex got the house, but it was under the impression that it would be sold....eventually.  She sat in that house for 7 months without paying the mortgage, all the while hosing DH's credit. When foreclosure was on the horizen the bank happened to find DH's number and gave him a call.  We made all the payments up and when the equity came she had to pay him back the 7 months he paid out of her half.  This entire process to get her OUT of the house and or to SELL the house took 3 1/2 years.  It was a freaking nightmare.  Long story short, either move back into the house and kick her butt out or ask for the marital home to be sold or ask for her to buy you out of the home immediatley upon divorce being signed.  Whatever way you choose to go, MAKE SURE THERE IS A TIME LIMIT FOR IT TO HAPPEN IN THE DECREE!!!

Godspeed my dear friend, you have a long road ahead of you.  Good Luck, my thoughts are with you.  :)  

[Davy]

Holler,

Sorry ro hear you were so emotionally distraught or foolish at one time.  That was yesterday.

Do not assume automatic mother custody or allow anyone to consider that issue is even on the table.

Do not allow your children to be separated from their father or their home.  Focus entirely on the well-being of the children and scoff at side issues (ie CS, the girlfriend).  Get the birth mother away from the kids and out of the house as soon as possible.   Always conduct yourself civilly while fighting the status quo.  Role-model at all times.  

Generally speaking, if you are the primary decision-making custodial parent your children stand a far greater chance of benefitting by  having a long lasting and on-going relationship with both parents in the future.

Alternatively, the opposite is likely to occur if the mother, attorneys or a court are left to define and decide .