advice for my brother, please

[IceMountain]

This is IM's wife.

My brother and his wife separated about 3 weeks ago.  He's not saying much yet but when the time comes I'd like to be able to give him some direction.

For starters, my brother and SIL lived in Iowa until about a month ago when they began renting an apartment in Illinois.  My brother is now staying with my parents in Illinois.  My SIL is staying with her brother in Iowa.  I don't believe their address has been updated with county agencies because they still receive medical assistance from Iowa.

1.  If the separation becomes permanent, where would he file for custody or divorce?  Iowa or Illinois?

They have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.  They verbally agreed to shared custody 1 week on / 1 week off with exchange on Sundays at 5:00.  My brother had his daughter the first week.  SIL was supposed to pick up Sunday at 5, but called and rescheduled for Monday.  She was then supposed to return my niece on Sunday at 5.  She called my brother on Thursday and he picked up his daughter again on Friday afternoon.  Daughter is  with dad this week as this is the third week since separation.  

When my brother picked up my niece on Friday she was covered in bites that the mother/daycare provider (not sure which one) claimed were from picnic ants.  She has probably 30 bites on her body and her eyes were swollen and puffy due to the reaction of bites on her face and close to her eyes.  I advised my brother to take her to the doctor to have it documented how he picked her up, but he didn't go.  He has been giving her benadryl and applying calamine lotion and it has helped, but I'm afraid he made a huge mistake in not going to the doctor.

2.  Is there any way for my brother to protect himself regarding the shared custody plan without going to court?

My brother is going to counseling.  He started a few weeks before the break up.  He tried to get my SIL to go, but she refused.  When my brother has his daughter, the mom does not try to call or make any contact, etc. unless my brother initiates it.  His counselor advised him to stop initiating it and wait to see if she will call on her own.   Any other advice?

[MYSONSDAD]

Iowa should be the jurisdiction, since they lived there up until a month ago. Iowa is more shared parenting friendly then Illinois. If there is anyway your brother could get this agreement in writing, do it. Check with a lawyer on the way it should be prepared and get it signed by a judge. There are several good parenting plans here at SPARC. He may want to look at those.

If she does not agree, hold off for 6 months and set the statis quo. Funny how people can change their minds on a whim or just talking with someone who had a bad experience can cause her to back out of prior agreements. Keep things as peaceful as possible and have him take his daughter whenever SIL offers.

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!

Sounds a bit like he has more parenting time then the SIL. Download the time tracker here and have him start using it. Also check the archives on the steps he should be taking to protect himself and his daughter. One good one is, tips on getting started.

Take plenty of photos of your bro and child, this will show his time with her if things get ugly. He should also find a children's doctor and dentist, medical records again to establish the caregiving.

Yes, he should have taken the child to the doctor. Those bites could have come back on him.

I agree with the counselor. Let her call.

[Kitty C.]

He ABSOLUTELY must take her to the doctor and should NOT give her Benadryl unless specifically told to by a doctor.  That age is way too young to be taking that stuff without doctor instructions.  On top of that, she apparently was having an allergic reaction and she needs a thorough work-up to determine the specific allergy and how she should be treated in the future.  As it sounds, she may require an Epi-Pen for future incidences.  This can become a life-threatening situation in a matter of minutes or seconds and with a 2 1/2 y.o. it is highly risky.  If he doesn't want to have DHS on him for negligence, he needs to take her in NOW.

[IceMountain]

Kitty,
Thank you for scaring the hell out of me and opening my eyes to a situation none of us had even considered.  We knew she was having a reaction, but (I) didn't realize how dangerous the situation could be.  

[Kitty C.]

I'm sorry....I didn't mean to scare you, but things like this you just don't want to mess around with.  Especially since she's so little.  

Many people don't realize that there's allergic reactions and then there's anaphylactic shock.  Sometimes a reaction can be so bad and come on so quick, a person can go into shock.  If swelling occurs on the outside, it's a very good possibility that one could also sometime have swelling on the inside as well.  Regardless of age, that kind of reaction only gives you minutes to respond.  She may also be allergic to bees, wasps, or other flying critters that might give her a more severe reaction than what she had with 'the bugs'.

What I strongly recommend is having her seen by an allergist.  Not only will they be able to define specifically what she's allergic to, they will know how severe a reaction she could get, what you can do to counter-act that in an emergency (eg. carrying an Epi-Pen), and educate you in what signs and symptoms to look for.

Yes, this is something that can be scary.....if you let it.  But if you educate yourselves, it takes a LOT of the fear away.  Fear is mainly of the unknown, so having the knowledge and education can go a LONG way to allaying that fear.