I wish she would grow up

[Mamacass]

We are in the middle of a relocation/custody case.  We had our first court date on 8/30, but her attorney had it continued because BM didn't get served correctly and was unable to find a babysitter.  Funny, because she knew about court (by her attorney's admission) 2 weeks before the actual court date, and she was able to retain a lawyer, but not able to find a babysitter.  When she told us she was moving, we asked what would happen to son when she has to go to the hospital (she gets hospitalized several times a year for a few days at a time- we're not sure exactly why).  She told us she has plenty of friends where she was moving that could help.  So how come she couldn't find a babysitter for an afternoon with 2 weeks notice but she can supposedly get a babysitter for several days with a moments notice?
anyways, we hadn't seen son for 3 1/2 weeks, because she wouldn't allow it since we had him most of the summer.  We finally had him this last weekend (probably because court is this week).  He acted kind of weird all weekend, not like his normal self.  I'm starting to wonder if she isn't brainwashing him.  My mom asked him how he liked the new place he was at and he told her "I like it, its a beautiful area with lots of trees."  What normal 6 y/o gives that kind of answer?  He's also told my husband that there are way more white people where he lives now,like that makes his town better than the nice neighborhood we live in.  
Then, we were asking him about school, and I mentioned I had talked to his old teacher the other day.  He replied "I know, you're bringing her to court as a witness so you can take me away from my mom."  We asked him where he got that idea from, and he said he came up with all of that on his own.  Then he told us how mommy told him that the school we live near is a bad school.  Its actually much better than the school she insisted he go t last year where she lived, and is comparable to the school where she lives now.
We have never mentioned anything about court to him.  We have told him that we don't agree with his mom taking him 4 hours away, and that since mommy and daddy can't agree where he should live there are some people who are going to help them make the decision where he should be.  We figured that was as much as he needed to know.  So this weekend we told him once again that mommy wants him to move and we want him to stay and court is to help mommy and daddy make a decision.  This is the first time we've discussed court with him, and that's as much as we would say to him about it.
This stuff kills me.  She seems to think that if she can make us look bad to son, then she wins somehow.  I can see the stress this causes son, and its a shame.  But she is sick, and since he is only 6, he can't see that his mom has issues.  And since we won't say anything negative about her, he ends up thinking that we are the bad guys.  Part of me can't wait till he is old enough to see his mom for what she really is, and part of me hopes for his sake that he never realizes what a fruitcake she is.  

[D.J.]

I know exactly what you are going throudh. Even though my ex is not moving. My son is 6 and is being subjected to the same situations. My wife and I are always the bad guys. I can't bring myself to talk bad about his mother or stepfather in front of him. Just for the fact that he doesn't deserve having to listen to it. He didn't ask to be put in the situation. So I just go on doing the best I can with what I have. Holding my tongue, much like you , till he gets older. Its gotten to the point where they have been keeping him from me on my weekends and telling him that I don't want to see him. Then at his pee wee football practices (I always go!!  Go Team!!), he has been asking me why I don't want to come and get him or come see him. Either way, enough of my babbling. I'm trying to get control of my situation, and I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

    Breathe: Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.

    The child is all that matters!!

[tf11]

I am a newly separated father and this scenario is something like a bad nightmare for me.

I truly do fear the ex trying to brainwash my son against me. He is 2 at the moment, so the situation is a bit different as far as how much of this stuff he can really understand. (I know he understands plenty, but it's different for a 6 year old.)
 I have seen a few books that deal with the subject, but havn't read any yet.

I know my ex and her family pretty well, and they are not above doing something like this.

I have been really adament about joint custody so far.  Splitting at least equal time is something that I think I will hold above everything else.

I am really looking into strategies of how to best cope with a vindictive ex who may try to turn my son against me. I'll check around for some  books on the subject and repost later. If anyone else out there has any recommendations/advice on the subject, then please post.

I would like to take the "high road" of not being the one who talks bad about the other parent, but I also want to know some active things I can do to counter the negative things from her side.

Thanks...

[Sherry1]

for 11 years.  She is still a loser.  She has bad mouthed me and my DH to the skids for years, making visits really hard.  The kids have disrespected us, made fun of us, and flat out refuse to mind because of what that woman had done.

After 11 years, it caught up with her.  She has lost the respect of her now 19 yo daughter whom she is semi-estranged from.  Her youngest son, now 15 lives with us and has told us he wouldn't return to his mother's even if hell froze over.  And the middle child is counting down the days until he turns 18 to move out.

What goes around comes around.  Keep your head up high and keep doing the right thing.

[Mamacass]

Keep taking the high road.  It really is the best thing for your child.   I see the stress my SS goes through because his mom keeps trying to put him in the middle.  I think all she sees is that SS is on her side if she can get him to believe that we're mean parents.  The only person she's hurting in the long run is her son.  
But I know that eventually my SS will see what's really going on.  He'll start to notice that Mommy is the one that is selfish.  Sure, she can buy new clothes for herself and get her hair done but she lets her child look like a bum.  I'd love to see her put him in clothes that aren't 2 sizes too big or 2 sizes too small or full of holes.  And sure its fun to have less rules, but isn't it nice to be able to stay awake at school, b/c you weren't up half the night watching movies?   He'll see that Daddy was always consistent.  Daddy made sure he was dressed nicely and played sports.  Daddy is always honest (without involving him in adult matters).  And Daddy doesn't talk down about the people SS loves.  
What's weird is, SS is happy at our house, except when he gets on the phone with his mom.  As soon as he gets on the phone with her his tone of voice changes into a depressed tone.  My opinion?  He knows that she doesn't think he can be happy unless he's with her and he doesn't want to let her down.  Proof of this?  she wrote him a letter when we got custody and said "I'll make any sacrifice so that we can be happy again."  It's sad that it makes her feel better to think her son is depressed.  
Anyways, sorry for the vent.  If you can do equal time with your ex definitely do that.  My SS benefitted so much when he split his time equally between his 2 homes.  (Of course we can't do that now that his mom moved, plus she is mentally unstable.)  Keep being consistent and loving your son.  Be honest with him, but don't talk bad about his mom.  In the long run you'll have a much better relationship for it.  

[tf11]

OK, found a book that I have just started reading. You may have heard of it. Apologies if it's been discussed elsewhere. It's called "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshak.

The book focuses on how to deal with an ex that is trying to bad mouth/brainwash a child against the other spouse.

So far, very enlightening. It's actually giving me peace of mind because I am more confident that I can be active and prevent as well as counter any bad mouthing or "brain washing."

It was out in 2001, so you can probably find it at your library if you dont want to purchase it.