ugh!

[wysiwyg]

I went to get my SS tonight, he was sitting on the porch with his BM the custodial parent standing there screaming at him, I did not get a chance to even put the car in park before he grabbed his stuff and was in the car saying lets go.  When we go to the end of the street he was bawling like a baby, (he is 16) I asked what was wrong and he said his mother stole his posessions again, (this is typical lately, his colored light bulb, a calendar, etc).  He said he asked her why she made fun of his dad when his dad asked for joint physical custody, she denied it, he took her to the computer where he found a letter to us she had written stating it was the "best joke she had hear in long time".  She grabbed his shirt soved him on the bed, then when he tried to get his posessions from her she started hitting him and calling him a little bastard, and let loose with a string of mean hateful things about his father.  

how terribly cruel................

[Jade]

>I went to get my SS tonight, he was sitting on the porch with
>his BM the custodial parent standing there screaming at him, I
>did not get a chance to even put the car in park before he
>grabbed his stuff and was in the car saying lets go.  When we
>go to the end of the street he was bawling like a baby, (he is
>16) I asked what was wrong and he said his mother stole his
>posessions again, (this is typical lately, his colored light
>bulb, a calendar, etc).  He said he asked her why she made fun
>of his dad when his dad asked for joint physical custody, she
>denied it, he took her to the computer where he found a letter
>to us she had written stating it was the "best joke she had
>hear in long time".  She grabbed his shirt soved him on the
>bed, then when he tried to get his posessions from her she
>started hitting him and calling him a little bastard, and let
>loose with a string of mean hateful things about his father.
>
>
>how terribly cruel................

Did she actually send the letter?  If so, give it to your lawyer.

I don't think joint physical custody is in this teen=agers best interest.   I think the father should go for full custody to protect his child from the abuse that his mother is doing to him.

[HelpingHands]

I don't know if it's too late now or not, but you need to have SS make a police report against mom for the assault and battery. Hitting, shoving and emotionally abusing a kid is not just child abuse.

We punish our 15 year old for his misbehaviors, bad grades, etc by removing his belongings. It's the ONLY thing that gets his attention. So there may be more to that story than he's telling. Is it possible he became aggressive over his belongings? Not saying he's in the wrong and deserves to be hit, just saying he may have initiated some of the situation that occured. Mom should know better than to hit her kid, call names, etc  and son should not try to fight mom for stuff.

I'll tell you they will say mom had every right to remove anything in the house she pleases, as she is the adult. As for the assault, it should have been reported immediately.

[mistoffolees]

>I'll tell you they will say mom had every right to remove
>anything in the house she pleases, as she is the adult.

Legally, that is correct. As good parenting practice, I must respectfully disagree.

A 16 year old is quite old enough to understand the concept of his belongings. People of any age are entitled to 'own' their own posessions. If you give a 3 year old a teddy bear, that becomes theirs and they have every right to it. Depriving them of its use for a while when it's a rational consequence of their actions is appropriate. Stealing their belongings is not.

The BM seems a lot like my stbx in several regards. One of the biggest ones is boundary violations. If you don't want to have trouble later, get the 16 year old some hlep in understanding appropriate boundaries and where the line is drawn. He may not be in a position to stop his BM from stealing his things, but he needs to know that it's not his fault and that she is clearly violating his boundaries.

> As for
>the assault, it should have been reported immediately.
>

That part I agree with. And it's never too late. However, the father has to walk a fine line. If the kid doesn't want to report it, I doubt if it will do any good to force him. That would only alienate him from the father. Better to explain that the mother needs help and one way to get it is to bring CPS into the matter to force her to learn control. My gut says that it's going to be hard to get a 16 year old to go along, but I'd be happy to be wrong in this case.

[wysiwyg]

i thought long on how to answer this.  It is not the 100K in leagal fees, or the 13 years fighting for custody, the 3 judges, 2 mediators, 1 GAL, 4 attorneys, custody evaluation in which BM had 50% of her profile as elevated and concerned personality traits, etc.  It all boils down to the county in which we live and the fact that 12 years ago BM admitted in open court (and yes I have transcripts) that she was the abuser, she abused my DH and her siblings and that she had hit them requiring medical treatment and the court still awarded her custody.  Something is wrong with that from the get go.

As far as the child, he is aware of the boundries, we have had long talks with him and encouraged him to go to certain people and we offered to get him help when he feels he needs it, and we gave him appropriate numbers, we are afraid for him if we call and make that initial call, as you all know and have been thru, how distorted the custodial parent can make things for us, but he is 16 and with our guidance and support we will get thru this, however he is also been made aware of the abuse/honeymoon cycle and knows that this is only the beginning, DH was able to explain the 10 years he sustained the same from the same abuser......................if only the courts listend in the beginning none of this would have ever happened.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[boosdad]

I'm not sure where you live, but in GA at the age of 11 the child can have a "say" in the custody arrangement and at 14 they can be the sole decision maker in who has custody.  You should check the laws in your state, seems like your son could change the arrangement just because of his age.  She seems like a terribly angry person and it's a shame she is taking it out on your (her) son.

[boosdad]

That entire story is disturbing.....I'm truely sorry.  What is wrong with the court system that things like this happen?  Why is it that because she (or any woman) is the mother they can do and say whatever they want and the male is left to suffer and more importantly the CHILD is left to suffer?

[wysiwyg]

The court rules state that for modification of custody "The wishes of the child, with more consideration given to the child's wishes if the child is at least fourteen (14) years of age."  Consideration, yea we all know what this means...............the court gave no consideration in this case of an admitted abuser when thinking of the childs best interests!  Fortunately we live within a few mile sof the child and he calls us frequently from school becaseu his mother forbid him to call his dad and took all phones away from him and keeps only one cordless in her pocket in which he is not allowed to use, nor is he allowed to use the computer etc.  So he is cut off from the outside world when he is at her home and furthermore we recently found out she is leaving him with neighbors overnight for several nights on end and he is not allowed to call us from their house either...................