What Do i Do?

[hickstn]

For the last 8 months since me and ex-fiance have split up, I have been trying to get visitation of my daughter, I raised her for the first 4 months of her life before me and her mother split up. Everytime i would have a court date set to get visitation she would maliciously make up lies and get me in trouble with the law, first it was telephone harassment for calling to check on my daughter, then it was stalking because i saw them in walmart and approached her so and asked if i could hold my daughter, we went to court the stalking charge was retired on a no contact order and if nothing else happened the telephone harassment charge was going to be dropped, my knowledge of the no contact order was no contact other than the child and so was the mother's, i received a phone call from the mother of my daughter informing me that she was having problems with financial issues and asked if i could bring her some money, i was hesitant at first but wanted to help my daughter any way i could, so i went over there, i arrived called her phone no answer so i was heading back down the stairs of the apartment when her door opened, i walked to the door and went for my wallet at this time i was dragged by my arms by my daughter's mother's father a gun was put to my head and i was choked almost unconscious, i tried reaching for my phone to call the police but my phone was takin, the mother of my daughter called the police and i was arrested and sentenced to 10 days in jail for violation of no contact, since this happened the stalking charge was brought out of retirement, the state offered me a deal if i pled best interest guilty i would serve 2 years probation and my attorney told me that was in my best interest so i did, since then she has tried to make up lies about me to my probation which luckily my probation officer seems to be on my side, ive gone to court recently and they gave me 4 hours every sunday with my daughter for a few months and then we have to go back to review it in oct. My Daughter's 1st birthday was the other day so they gave me 2 hours with her from 5:30pm - 7:30pm we meet at a fast food restaurant so i can pick her up, i get there at 5:25pm with my parents because my attorney and judge said to have someone there everytime i pick her up, me and my father walk over to my daughter's mother's car and she says "IT IS NOT 5:30 YET" so we walk back over to our car and wait, a police officer arrives and sits there until i get my daughter, i come back to drop her off at 7:30 and a police officer is over there again and tells us that she does not feel comfortable with my parents there and we inform the police officer that the judge court ordered them to be there with me, I just feel harassed and worried that everytime I am going to pick her up or have her she is going to try to falsely accuse me of something. To give you a brief background on what i am dealing with, my daughter's mom has another child by a different father who dealt with the same thing and ran, he is in texas somewhere and hasnt seen his daughter ever, my daughter's mother's family has a history of harassment, violence, etc.. and everyone i know says they are crazy, but they are somehow in good with the law enforcement and judges around here, What i am asking is what do i do? I want to be apart of my daughter's life, I love her with all of my heart, but i am afraid they are going to continue lying on me and falsely accusing me to get me sent to jail for nothing and not being able to see my child, some people say fight it, some people tell me i should just give up and terminate my rights and move on, but i am torn because i love my daughter so much and would give anything just to be with her everyday of my life, but i am afraid of what they are going to do. There is more to what kind of people they are but i will it at that, any suggestions?

[MixedBag]

hire an attorney to get specific parenting time established via a court order.

NEVER go over to the mother's residence again, period.

If she wants to meet you, do it at one place and that's the police department with a police officer present, period.  But I would even hesitate doing that given te hstory.

exchanges should be supervised by police officers or the department of human resources.  Maybe for a while, you two shouldn't even see each other -- or find out of there is a service in your area who would/could pick up your daughter and bring her to you for a fee, and return her.

[mistoffolees]

>hire an attorney to get specific parenting time established
>via a court order.

Absolutely. And make sure that there's another responsible adult present. I would think hard about who it should be. The parents might not be the best choice since if it comes to a legal battle, they will be perceived as biased. Perhaps someone more neutral - a pastor or church worker, perhaps?

>
>NEVER go over to the mother's residence again, period.

Agreed. One of the things that bothers me so much about this entire process is situations like this where the person thought he was doing something to help and ended up getting in trouble.

However, I don't think you went far enough with your advice:

DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT IS NOT SPECIFICALLY ALLOWED / REQUIRED by the courts. Make sure your order is very clear on what you can do, when you can do it, and where it's supposed to be AND THEN STICK TO THE LETTER OF THE AGREEMENT.

>
>If she wants to meet you, do it at one place and that's the
>police department with a police officer present, period.  But
>I would even hesitate doing that given te hstory.
>
>exchanges should be supervised by police officers or the
>department of human resources.  Maybe for a while, you two
>shouldn't even see each other -- or find out of there is a
>service in your area who would/could pick up your daughter and
>bring her to you for a fee, and return her.
>
>

I agree with all of this - particularly the part about a service that will supervise the exchange.

Bottom line is that he's off to a very bad start and needs to do exactly what the court tells him to do. Honor any no-contact orders TO THE LETTER. It's unfortunate, but he HAS violated a noncontact order on a couple of occasions and the court will treat that almost  the same as a guy who pounds on his ex-wife's door waving an automatic weapon. NEVER, NEVER violate a non-contact order no matter how important you think it is. Even in the event of an emergency, call the police to handle it.

If I were driving by the house and it was on fire and my daughter was screaming out the window for help, I'd violate the no-contact order. And even then, I'd be screaming my head off for a neighbor to come witness/help. But that's about the ONLY circumstance I can think of where it would be justified.

[Ref]

you are just giving up your rights to see your daughter and be a dad. You will still have the financial obligation, so you will still be tied to the situation until your daughter is emancipated or adopted. I stongly advise not to terminate your rights.

Your daughter will be raised by your ex and chances are she will become just the same as your ex's family UNLESS she has you and your family influence to counter it. It will give her a fighting chance.

It sound like what you need to do is to follow the court order to the T. Do not deviate. Even if it is demeaning, do what you can to get a regular visitation order in place and have it spell out pick-up/drop-off places, times, exact dates.  

For now, document everything . Get a calendar with enough room to take notes. Write down everything related to your daughter in pen. When you communicate with your ex or daughter, keep it in writing preferable certified mail. If you are writing emails, get a service like readnotify.com.

Get a video camera and video tape all of your pick-up and drop-offs. Just keep the camera in plain sight. If anything, it will cover your butt and keep BM from acting out.

When you pick-up, do it in a public place and buy something like a pack of gum and keep the receipt. That will prove you were there. That way she can't claim that you didn't show.

Make sure you are never alone with her or her and the baby. I have heard stories of women coming on to their ex and having sex then calling the cops and claiming rape. She can make anything up. Always have witnesses.


There are a lot of good books to read. "joint custody with a jerk' is a good one. If you are really stressed, go to counseling. Not to "fix" you but to give you tools to handle this difficult person and her family.

Good Luck
Ref

[hickstn]

Thank you all for reposting and giving me advice, a few things i forgot to mention, the violation of no contact happened about 3 or 4 months ago, and when went to court earlier this week for my visitation she was saying that someone has been moving her car mirrors and urinating on her trash bags and was accusing me of it after she said in court that she didnt see me and noone else saw me do this, she lives in a low income apartment complex, anyone could of walked by and bumped her mirrors in any apartment complex and also animals urinate on stuff like that, and why would i move someone's mirrors and urinate on a garbage bag? just doesnt make any sense, this family of her's are the type of people that abuse a child just accuse someone else of it to get that person in trouble, that are the most backwoods twisted people that I and many other people have seen. That is what worried me the most, that what if they do something and then falsely accuse me of child abuse. I know that i will have witnesses everytime i am with my daughter but like i said before the courts, judges and law enforcement around here for some reason tend to be all on their side and believe every word that comes out of their mouth. My daughter's mother was even caught lying in court this last time and they did nothing about it. She said when i was having visitation a few months ago i never sent any baby food or diapers home with her, so i brought out all of my receits for hundreds and hundreds of dollars of baby food and diapers and she was caught lying. I just dont understand it, is there any way to stop this?

[mistoffolees]

You have to separate your feelings from fact.

I can understand how you'd feel about all the accusations, but it sounds like the system is working. She accused you of messing with her car and garbage bags but there was no evidence, so it was dropped. Is that correct? If so, that's what's supposed to happen. In our system, there's nothing to stop a person from making accusations all they wish, but they have to prove it to get anywhere. After enough false accusations, the courts eventually tire of it.

As for the diapers incident, I first don't understand why it's your job to supply diapers for the baby after you return her from visitation. That's what support is about. But that's really an aside. Again, the system mostly worked the way it's supposed to. They accused you of something, but couldn't prove it and you were vindicated. Granted, it's sad that the court doesn't do much about perjury, but the fact is that they don't. It doesn't really affect you, anyway.

So the advice doesn't change. Stick to doing things by the book and don't give them any ammunition to use against you. Eventually, either they'll get tired of false accusations or the court will. You can't control them - you can only control yourself.