We wanted the baby - now she wants the baby but not me

[frustrated_dad_to_be]

I am new to here, and I am in a quite delicate situation (or not delicate seeing all those posts here):
I met my now exgirlfriend half a year ago, it was/is the big love, we decided to have a baby. She got pregnant, and changed - i thought it would be hormonal but right now i am not that sure, and she insists it is not. She did not introduce me to any of her friends or family, and she suddenly decided to break up a month ago. I am still not sure if this a hormonal swing, but she basically treats me like dirt since 2 months, has thrown me out, i have paid a LOT including rent, doctor appointments, we really wanted this baby.
She refuses since the break up to go to a counselor or at least somebody to talk together about all this and get all support of her family and friends which do not know me.  I called her mother to try to understand what is going with her, but they all treat me like I ...abused her or something.  I am educated, have a doctor degree and I think most of my friend call me one of the most empathetic persons they know...
All in all I think that she is going through some mental disaster or maybe even planned to have a baby but not me. I , frankly said,  do not know.

Here is the problem: I would never have agreed to have a child if i can not be around my child every single day, but sure enough i could never desert my child.

The odds are: she repeated (also written in emails) she does not want to have any financial support, but of course i feel responsible, but also do not know how much she can take from me or i could possibly give, since we were planning to stay together and it would have been hard enough already with one rent. She is surely financially unstable with a super bad credit and i am scared that my child will not get the life it was support to have.
I am European on a visa here (bayarea/CA)and scared like hell I will loose track of my child if my visum runs out or that the startup I am working for dies or simply if she wants to move away. I am also wondering, how this might work if my job demands longs hours 5/7 - any ways to have my child around more than at the weekends? I am so frustrated - i was so looking forward to have a baby with a loving partner, see my baby every day, and now this dream is going to be a nightmare... I started already to assemble a journal of what has happened when, and was wondering if threats via email (you are walking on thin eggshells is my favorite one) would count if it comes to court. I also insisted on to be at all doctor visits and hope that we can keep doing that.


One other fear i have is that she is loosing it completely since all her acting is now going to be really weird and I am wondering if she maintains sanity. I mean, if somebody tells you you are everything in her life, and the week after she tells you 'feelings change, then you have to move on', 'life takes unexpected turns - act like an adult' if you actually planned the baby??  She took quiet a lot of my money and at the same time when i ask her not to cash any checks any longer if she has some because i wouldn't be able to pay my own rent (beside of the apartment she has kicked me out from) she gets insulted that I would make her responsible for financial voes etc.
The bottom line is: if she really should loose it completely, I would probably try to take full custody, but then again there is the question how to do that if you are in a job 5/7? any suggestions?

I just want to be with my baby as much as possible!!!!
Thank you so much for your help!

[mistoffolees]

You need to see an attorney.

The first thing you'll need to do is to establish paternity. That's a fairly simple test. If she's as flaky as you're saying, you definitely want to make sure the baby is yours.

Once you've established paternity, you can file with the court for custody. In order to get full custody, you would have to establish that she's an unfit parent - which is very hard to do - especially in CA where all sorts of strange behaviors are accepted as normal (stereotyping, of course). In all likelihood, the best you can hope for is some type of shared custody.

At that point, you will establish some sort of financial support for the child, as well. If she doesn't want the money, she's always free to cash the check and write you her personal check returning the money, but you will need to show that you paid the court ordered amount. Don't let her get away with "just don't send me the checks".

As for the checks she keeps cashing, you can go to your bank and stop payment on them. Be sure to check with the bank, though, on whether you have any liability if you do so. For example, would you be guilty of reneging on a financial commitment you made to her? If you had agreed to pay the rent, stopping payment could be wrong on your part. Personally, I'd let her have the checks you've already written and just not give her any more.

One thing you'll learn in the process is that nothing that you did in the past matters. It doesn't matter if you gave her $100 million dollars - that's a gift and has no bearing on the issues you're facing in the future. Therefore, it's best just to forget that and move forward.

Because of your visa status, make sure you get an attorney who is familiar with that issue.

Good luck.