Seperation and time with child

[Fueledbyjava]

My STBX is moving out soon and doesn't think that splitting time with our child 50/50 is the "stable" thing to do, she thinks that I should only get 1 week a month and EOW! Remember we are not divorced and no agreement has been signed nor has there been any court order or ruling etc. granting her or myself custody. I am trying to work with her on an every other week schedule but she doesn't want to do that. So that being said, what am I to do in this situation. She has no more right to dictate where my child stays than I do. I would appreciate any advice or opinions anyone has.

[brwneyedmom]

in the marital home and not be permitted to move out with mom?

Disclaimer:  Not an attorney nor do I play one on television....

[Davy]

absolutely do not allow child be removed from the home.

[Fueledbyjava]

Thanks for the advice, my lawyer had mentioned that and we already have the "request" drawn up, just needs to be filed with the court. She is moving to another place in the same city but I see what you are saying. It would establish a status quo and I cannot allow that. I want to work with her as I don't want our daughter to not see her mother but so far she is not willing to "allow" me my equal share even though she doesn't have the right to make that call. she has shown in the past if you remember some of my previous posts, the ability to "steal" her away from me and hide her whereabouts from me, and I am concerned that this will happen again.

[Davy]

Fueled,

No doubt you are trying hard to do the right and hold out hope for the best. Of course you know best because you know the other parent.

Many have BTDT ... don't let your hope and naivitity override your major responsibility to protect the child that can not protect him/herself.

In other words, a responsible party needs to know the whereabouts and environment of the child at all times.  

DO NOT depend on government .. judges, agencys, etc to protect a child.  They either can't or don't want to (in many cases),  Their involvement or decisions  may only represent mere moments in a child life but for the child and you it imay mean a life time of continued upheaval.

Focus on the child.  HEADS UP !!  

[Fueledbyjava]

 She is my main focus. I can only legally do so much though until the divorce hearing where final custody/ visitation will be determined by a judge. If I keep her from our daughter I am just as bad as she is. When she did take our daughter she told me where they were (i.e so and so's house) but I have no idea where that house is, activities going on in or around that house etc. Now she is moving out and I know where the place is but I am supposed to get equal time with our child as we are not divorced yet correct? that is what she is trying to deny me. She won't work with me on a baseline schedule so that our child has some sense of stability in this time of change, she wants to play it da by day and week by week. That is unacceptable and inconsistent which is exactly what our daughter doesn't need right now. The behavior is very selfish and dissapointing. Two reasonable people could easily work this out without a problem, but when you are dealing with an unreasonable person sometimes you have to get other people involved, i.e the law.

[Davy]

Not I or anyone else on this board that I've seen has suggested in anyway that you keep the child from the mother.

Could it be that you have been deceived into thinking your willingness to get along with the other parent weighs heavier than the welfare of the child.  OK perhaps that is the standard in jurisdiction ... actually it would not surprise me !!  How sad it is !!

On the other hand, let us assume that there is a drastic change of circumstance before the family court hearing whereas your child is injured and you find yourself in criminal court and the mother is charged with neglect and a another judge/jury finds the father collaborated with the mother's obnoxious behavior.  Another standard ??  No a prosecutor  tryig to protect a child's well being.

What do you think ??  

[Fueledbyjava]

I didn't think any of you were suggesting that, I was just saying that physically I can't stop her from seeing the child nor do I want to, I simply want equal time with my daughter which she deserves. She is moving out and I am trying to get her to agree to a planthat has stability in it for our daughter (every other week) but she wants to play it by ear so I am forced to get the judiciary involved in order to assure stability for my daughter

[brwneyedmom]

get a court order to keep the child in the home.  This will prevent mom from moving out with the child changing the child's status quo.  

We, I hope, were not suggesting that you do not allow the mother to see the child.  In the above situration, you would retain primary custody of your child and you could let mom see the child as much as you want above and beyond the court order.  You wanted 50-50.  Do so and let mom see how it works.  You would be in much better shape to keep 50-50 when you get your custody settled at the end of your very long and painful road.

We only hear your side, but you seem to want equal access and your wife does not.  Then take the high road, obtain primary custody with your child in your care in your marital home.  Then let mom see the child as much as you like no matter what the court order says.  Everyone wins this way and mom learns not to fear a truely joint plan.  This will not end well for you if mom retains most of the power.  You will get what she dribbles out to you and the judge won't change it.

Best of luck.  Once again, I am not an attorney, I didn't listen very well to my own attorney (I wish I had had this group then!!), and I have never played one on television.....so all this drivel is my own opinion and worth whatever you think it is....

edited to fix a couple of spelling mistakes but there are probably more.  Never let your teen drink orange juice over a keyboard....keys get sticky.

[Fueledbyjava]

That is exactly what I am going to do. Thanks for the help. This board has really helped me make sense of all this as it has been extremely difficult for me to sort out what the right thing to do is and what I legally can do! All of my friends and family have been full of support and advice but unless you have been through this some of the advice while well intentioned may be wrong, it helps to get advice and support from people who have been through the same experiences. For example if I had taken my dad's advice I would have given her everything months ago, just to get it over with as in his opinion I would lose based solely on the fact that I am a male!