PAS getting worse, what should I do next? SORRY SO LONG

[IMABUTRFLY]

I have been reading on PAS. There is alot to digest but I think that my 8 yr old daughter is showing some signs.

First let me explain: I live in NE and they live in AZ. I cared for her her first 5 years of life, I am not abusive nor do I have a damaged past (drugs, alcohol, etc.) The reason dad has custody is that he was established. I moved away with her at first and struggled to support us. When I sent her to visit him she was happy and I didnt have to worry about how I was going to feed her. We had agreed that we could work together.  My parents were divorced and I was raised by my father and it was the best thing for me so I am all for fathers rights. Things were working out until he remarried.  Let me just say, I don't like the stepmom, she used to be my best friend and they had an affair that contributed to the end of our marriage. Despite my feelings I was comforted by the fact that my daughter knew her and liked her, and that my daughters new step sister was my daughters best friend. She is too young to understand the affair thing and I was happy that my daughter was happy so I didn't try to change things.

She is a perfect angel when she comes to visit me in the summer and every other holiday. When she visited she cried nearly every night saying how she didnt want to go back home and that she wanted to live with me despite all of the material things she would have to give up. I even discouraged it saying she would have to switch schools and that she would miss her sister and brother. That didn't seem to make a difference.

Now that she is back home she is very distant, she refuses to talk to me about anything in her life. It is like pulling teeth to get her to talk. She has refused some of my phone calls, told me that she was home when I called but she didnt want to answer the phone(seeing my number on caller ID), and asked me if she could let me go only after a few minutes of talking. She is disrespectful to me. She asks me questions that are adult like. I have tried backing off a little by giving her more time between phone calls, and shorter phone calls. I have also tried the opposite approach trying to call her more often and talking to her for every second allowed. Neither seems to work. Her father is hardly ever home and I know she has alot of time with the stepmother. I usually have to talk to the stepmom about everything. Even when I talk to my ex she stands in the background creating problems. Her stepmother called me one time to tell me that my daughter said she hated me and wanted the stepmom to adopt her when I asked my daughter she admitted that she said those things but could not tell me why.

The most difficult thing happened just the other day. My family and I decided to buy an expensive Karaoke machine for my daughter and even included a 2nd microphone so that the other children could play too for her birthday. My daughter loves to sing and used her aunts machine often so this seemed the perfect present. A week had passed after the machine was received and she still had not called to say she received it or tell me or her grandparents thank you for the gift. When I called her to see if she got it she said she did. I had to ask her if she liked it and she said yes. A week passed. I phoned her and caught her in the middle of dinner so I told her I would call her the next day. She called back about 15 minutes later and told me that she had to tell me something. She said that she lied to me about liking the present. She said that she never played with it, she didnt even open it up, that she didnt ask for it and she took it to the store to return it and get other presents. I was devistated by her ungrateful reaction. I immediately told her I thought that was mean and hurtful and that she was selfish for calling me to tell me that and not calling me or her grandparents to thank us for the gift. I probably should not have said that but she is not a baby and I feel like she was being mean and selfish. I insisted on talking to my ex and demanded to know what the meaning of the phone call was. I asked him how he would allow her to call me to tell me this but not encourage her to call me or her grandparents to thank us for the gift in the first place. His response was that I should just be glad he wasn't encouraging her to lie to me. I was losing my temper so I ended the conversation.  

Of course the custodial parents should be encourageing the appropriate behavior, but its like it gives them pleasure to see this kind of thing happen. I mean someone had to take her to exchange the gift.  

Another occasion was the day before her birthday, I called and told the stepmom (I know I should have told the dad) that I would be calling her in the morning to wish her a happy birthday. Feeling this was being considerate of their plans. At 9a the morning of her birthday my daughter called me and said that she was just calling me so that she could get it over with.

Grandparents were denied telephone time with her on her birthday. I am at wits end. Please help. Seeing the drastic change in her I am starting to think that maybe it's not such a healthy environment anymore for her anymore. I have not changed anything in my life recently. No new babies, husband and I have been married for 1 ½ years. I don't understand what could be causing this other than brainwashing. She has even gone from excited to see me, to counting down the days dreadfully.

I am alot better financially. My new husband totally encourages my ex's and daughters relationship. There is alot more that has happened and believe me I am documenting. It seems like the situation has gone from a good decision to a control struggle. Do you think that this behavior is enough to go back to court about, or will the judge just turn me away for insufficiant reasons. Please Help!!!

[TGB]

The alienating behavior seems to be primarily from the Stepmother. I suggest that you try to contact the father of her child and compare notes. The two of you working together are more likely to be able to gather evidence showing a pattern of behavior than either of you working independently. Most likely he is facing a similar situation.

Appropriate behavior would have been to encourage the child to show grattitude for her gift. Encouraging the child to tell the truth after returning it is like saying "OK, child, you can do drugs, as long as you tell me the truth about doing it."

Make sure you track the child's progress in school. If the stepmother is emotionally abusive, it will show up in those records.

See:

Tips for Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

You Don't Have To Prove PAS
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/provepas.htm

[IMABUTRFLY]

Thank you for the advice. I was thinking about doing that because I used to be friends with stepmoms ex. If the stepmom finds out can I get in trouble in any way?

[IMABUTRFLY]

I called the father of her child like you suggested. He was very polite and said he didnt have a problem talking to me. He told me that he has not had any problems with sharing the child. He said that she involves him in everything about the child, she checks with him frequently to see when he wants visitations and is very reasonable about sharing her for the holidays. I expressed my gratitude for his time and told him I hoped things stayed good for him.
One difference is that he lives locally and I live in a different state. Another thing is that my ex doesnt really want to be her dad. I mean he provides and excepts the stepdad responsibility, but the child doesnt call him dad, like my daughter calls her mom. He doesnt take the child out by himself and spend time with her like the stepmom does with my daughter. Also I think the stepmom cares more about how her daughters mental health, thats why she doesnt create problems. She doesnt care what kind of head games she plays with my daughter because its just a game. My ex works full-time and side jobs, stepmom is a homemaker and always with the kids.
I do have a letter ready to go to the school, and there was a conversation that I had with the stepmom awhile ago that my daughter was taken off the school counseling program because she didnt like the way the counselor questioned Mariah about their private life. (Whatever that means) It makes me suspicious something came up, so I hope the school will send me those records too. I requested them with the record request letter.
Well we will see. Again thank you. Any other ideas, please let me know.