Any advice would be appreciated..Thanks

[txlady]

I am new to this situation and was hoping some could give me any sort of advice. Sorry if it is too long. My brother has a daughter with special needs. My brother and the mom lived together for about 4 1/2 mths after her birth and then split and mom had her. Dad still had to go and take her to any dr appts or anything else she had cause mom said she couldnt. When baby was about 6mths mom told dad he could come get her and take care of her. Baby was having to have therapy 2x mth since she is special needs at home and even her therapist told dad that it is probally better that she come live with us. I(aunt) have been taking care of her since, and she is now 18 mths.The mom has probally only came to see her maybe 4/5 times for about 2 hrs in that whole time. Most times she calls and says she wants to see her and then when time comes for her to see her, she doesnt come or changes her mind. Dad has never told her she could not see her. Now she is saying she wants her overnight. We have a problem with this. Since she hasnt made an effort to be in child's life, child has no idea who mom is and doesnt know her at all. The mom barely knows anything about the child since she hasnt cared.  It would be really tough on the child. Dad even told mom that if she would come visit her and let child get to know her that she could take her overnight. Now mom is mad saying it's not fair. Dad wants to get custody and was hoping she would sign over rights since she has not been interested in child's life. I have no idea what we should do. Any advice at all would be appreciated.

[Kitty C.]

Without a court order, regardless of whether they child has been with the father all this time, SHE automatically has custody and could very well run off with the child and there'd be damn little you could do about it. One saving grace (if you can call it that) is that the child is special needs.  If it is WELL documented as to who has been her caregiver medically (written in her medical record as to which parent accompanied her) and the mother has had little or no input with care, you could have DHS on the case much faster than other cases.

File for custody immediately and have her served.  Peruse this site and go over the sample parenting plans available, then tailor one to suit the child's needs.  Read everything you can on this site, as much will be vaulable to you.  This child, moreso than others, must be protected and if the mother hasn't given a rat's ass about her care up till now, she just can't dive in.  Unless she's willing to get up to speed, start taking an active interest and help in her child's care, and prove that she has the child's best interests at heart, I wouldn't be giving her any overnights any time soon.

[msme]

Make sure you include that she take parenting classes, Infant & child CPR classes, followed by reunification counseling sessions, followed by a period of supervised visitation before there could be any overnights.

Contact her doctors & therapists & make sure their records include the fact that her dad is her caregiver & her home therapy takes place at his home.

While I am not a big fan of CPS or what ever they call it in your state, I have found it helpful to contact them & request a home inspection, prior to going to court. They usually try to get out of it but if you tell them that if a decision has to be made, how can they make one if they haven't seen where she is living.

Good luck & God bless.

msme

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[txlady]

Thanks for your advice Kitty and msme.We have very good records kept of who visits her specialists and who attends her therapy sessions. I havent been too afraid that she would take off with her, just because she hasnt wanted anything to do with her. But I wouldnt want to take that chance. I was more concerned with visitation since the child doesnt know her and it would be hard on her. I wasnt sure how the courts would go about this. May have some good news though. Yesterday dad talked to mom and she is thinking about giving up her parental rights. I just hope she does. That is sad but I know she doesnt want to have anything to do with the child, and the child's life would be  a whole lot easier for her without a mom who plays games and doesnt want her. People amaze me. Not sure exactly how you go about signing over parental rights though? Any advice on that?

[Kitty C.]

Get him to write up an agreement where she gives up her rights.  Do not waste any time on this, cuz if she's thinking about it now, she could very easily change her mind.  Play into her desire to sign her rights away, for whatever reason it may be.  If it's because of burden the child has become with her special needs, remind her in a roundabout way just how difficult it is, getting to all the appts., doing the therapy, and even include what can transpire in the future, if any of her providers have mentioned what will be coming down the pike.

I know this may sound very cruel-hearted, but from what you've described, I get the feeling that she thinks her own daughter is more work than she bargained for.  If she is hesitant in forfeiting her rights, it may only be becuase of the stigma implied on women who give up their kids.  This will take some fancy footwork to do, but it can be done.

[Indigo Mom]

Ok, my opinion?  Go to the courthouse and file for custody.  Request a Guardian Ad Litem and supervised visitation.  The child has the right to know her other parent...if she still fails to see the child, the GAL can figure it out.

I'm curious.  She wants parenting time, doesn't take parenting time, continues to ask for it, now wants to sign over her rights.  A parent usually doesn't want to sign over their rights at the same time they're asking for parenting time.  I'm concerned about your 1st post, where you say dad wants her to sign over her rights...then in the next post, she's now agreeing to this?  

I'm also curious as to why you've been taking care of this child for the past year.  Does the father live in your home, too?  Are you the daycare provider?  Or does he live elsewhere....and you're left raising her?

I'm sorry, but I've read and reread both of your posts, and something just doesn't feel right.  It almost feels like the other parent has been phased out and replaced by you, the auntie.  

[txlady]

It is understandable that you may be somewhat confused. There is a lot of the situation that I have left out. I was mainly covering the basics for advice on how to deal with legal stuff, since we have never had to deal with anything like this.

On the point of the right for the child to know the other parent, I agree. Regardless if her mother chooses not to have anything to do with her, she will know who her mother is. Even if it is by picture only.

I try not to speak badly of her mother, and that would probally clear up a lot of your confusion on why she changes her mind on wanting to see  child and then not. I did however mention that she plays games. That puts it in a nutshell, just a little bit kinder. She also has not agreed to sign over rights, she is still thinking about it and dad is giving her time.  She sounds as if she wants to now though and there are reasons behind it.

As for your last few questions, I live with dad and child and I do take care of her for the majority of time, but dad does also. This is a little bit of a different situation yes, but she is a little bit of a different child. She is a special needs child. As for the part of the mom being phased out, that is entirely not the case. Dad has even called mom many times trying to get her to come see the child. She even totally skipped child's 1st bday. She always has some sort of excuse. It is the mom who isnt wanting to be around the child.

[MixedBag]

Particularly since mom and dad weren't married!

[Indigo Mom]

-----It is understandable that you may be somewhat confused. There is a lot of the situation that I have left out. I was mainly covering the basics for advice on how to deal with legal stuff, since we have never had to deal with anything like this. -----

No offense, but what "I" like to do is take each post with a grain of salt.  Far too many times I'll read a post, read all the responses, then think to myself..."damn....something doesn't seem right".  I feel this is the best way to get further responses from a poster, AND, if that poster doesn't go nutzo on me...I feel the poster is genuine.  Does that make sense?  

-----She also has not agreed to sign over rights, she is still thinking about it and dad is giving her time. She sounds as if she wants to now though and there are reasons behind it.-----

Well, I personally think this should be brought to court.  IF she's going to sign away her rights and IF this truly is best for the child, then do it legally.  If she up and signs away the rights without court involvement...she can AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALWAYS come back screaming something.  Go to court, file for custody, let the Judge know she's basically abandoned the child, get a GAL appointed, and when all this is said and done...chances are she'll either step up to the plate and be a mother, or walk.  With a GAL around and she walks?  She may have her rights terminated forcefully by the courts.

-----I live with dad and child and I do take care of her for the majority of time, but dad does also. -----

I was wondering where Dad was.  I have to say, in your first post, it sounded like Dad wasn't living with you, but that you were the one "left" taking care of the child.  Not a DAMNED thing wrong with dad & child living with you.  I just wanted to make sure dad really was around.

-----. As for the part of the mom being phased out, that is entirely not the case. Dad has even called mom many times trying to get her to come see the child. -----

There's only so much a custodial parent can do.  I tried for many moons to get my daughters father to BE a father...but he didn't want to, and it became a tremendous waste of MY energy.  Get this into court and have dad stop calling mom.  

-----She even totally skipped child's 1st bday. She always has some sort of excuse. -----

Same here.  I invited him to her 1st birthday party...which just so happened to fall on his parenting time but he didn't take her.  3 weeks later, he calls up screaming that I didn't let him see her on her first birthday.  Then, a few minutes later, he changed his story saying he was in Wyoming and I knew about it.

People like this don't need us to hold their hands.  Get a GAL and let him/her deal with it.