To change my child's school or not. Please advise.

[rebecca]

My Ex and I have been divorced for 3 years now.  My Son is 6 and finishing up first grade.  His father and I have joint physical and legal custody in California.  Our current custody schedule is Ex - Mon, Tues, every other weekend; Me - Wed, Thurs, every other weekend.  Ex is just starting up his own business and is becoming quite successful.  But with that is also becoming quite busy.  He used to pick Son up from school everyday (even on Wed and Thurs).  Now that he is so busy, his Girlfriend is picking Son up from school and taking him on Mon and Tues.   Girlfriend recently bought a home 1 hour away from Son's school.  Her daughter will be going to school in the new area and Girlfriend will no longer be able to pick Son up from school next year.  Ex wants to move into Girlfriends house, have Son share bedroom with Girlfriend's 6 year old daughter, and change Son's school to the new area 45 minutes away.   With our current parenting arrangement, I will not be able to pay for daycare affordably.  Because with the split weeks, I would have to pay for the full week.  I would like to keep Son in current school and change our parenting time to Week on/Week off with the exchange on Friday, Sat or Sun.  Then on My weeks I would like to have Son go to after school daycare until I get off of work.  Ex does not want Son to go to after school daycare and wants Son to spend time with Girlfriend because she is not a daycare.    Ex already enrolled Son in the new school without my agreement.   After this I signed us up for mediation.  We have a court date after the mediation to make whatever is agreed to a court order.   I really do want what is in the best interest of Son.  The reasons I do not want Son to change schools are that he went to a different school in kindergarten and we switched him for first grade.  It was a tough adjustment for him as his old school was a grade behind in reading and it was tough for him to catch up, and because Son had to make new friends.   At the new school he will know Girlfriends daughter, but she is a grade younger than him, but they do get along well.   Also on Wed and Thurs and every other Friday by the time I pick him up and drive home at night, it will be approximately 7:30 p.m.  Whereas we get home at 6-6:30p now.   That will leave even less time for homework, dinner, baths and a quick board game or coloring which we usually do now after school/work.   Ex currently lives and works in between Son's current school and the new school he wants Son to attend.   He currently owns his own home and rents a room out to his roomate who will stay in his home when Ex moves out to Girlfriends home.  I proposed that we switch this schedule so that any other adjustments to Ex's life in the future will not require My life to change or my Son's life to change (while with me) in the future.  I also am willing to take Son to Ex on his weeks if he would be willing to put Son in the afterschool daycare on his weeks because I get off work at 5p.   If not, he stil would only need to make arrangements for his weeks since I would use the afterschool daycare on my weeks.  I know the afterschool daycare would be a new adjustment, but it would be the last one until middle school as I have a stable home in the area and I am not changing jobs or careers in the next 5 years.   Whereas Ex's relationship with Girlfriend may or may not work out.  If it does not work out, Son would have to change schools AGAIN because they will be using Girlfriends home address to get into the new school and it is her house, so Ex would be the one to move out if things don't work out.  It would be easy for Ex to walk away from this relationship if things got tough because he still owns his home that he can just move back to at anytime.   Ex has offered to give me extra time with Son one of his weekends every other month to make up for the lost time during the week.  He also threatened that if I did not agree to change to this new school and we keep the mediation appointment that he will seek full custody and has written false notes about events and will have Girlfriend, Roommate and his parents lie about me being a bad mother in order to get full custody from me.    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  I don't know what to do or what type of evidence to bring into the mediation appointment except for current school information and the afterschool daycare information.  The new school was just built so there is no information for it available yet.  Thanks for any input.

[nosonew]

Mediation is to discuss and get both parents to agree on issues.  It is not for bringing up past issues, etc.  Unless you are currently an abuser, either physically or have substance abuse problems, you cannot be proven to be unfit.  (And even then, it is hard to prove).  It sounds like you are being reasonable wanting to go one week/one week split, and I also disagree with the change in schools, if it doesn't HAVE to happen, it shouldn't.  If they were actually married, that may change my position, but maybe not.  

It is possible the mediator will suggest that since he is moving farther away, and if they are not able to take son to school and pick up, then he would just live with you during the week.  

There is nothing wrong with after school daycare, many working parents have to do this, and kids don't suffer because of it, it can just be costly.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[YahYah]

he's just not right in this case.  He can't just say "oh well, i'm changing his school now, because I have joint custody with you"

He moved.  He moved an HOUR away, and now he's going to just take your son and enroll him into a new school and stick you with the troubles of making HIS move easier????  

Get REAL!

Absolutely unacceptable.

He is doing this so that his son can stay with his GIRLFRIEND.  That is NOT ok.  Not unless you are completely agreeable to it.  He sounds insane and pretty self-centered, so I would just do what you're doing.  Get into mediation, make it clear that he moved, he loses.  Period.  He cant drag your mutual son just because he has shared physical/legal custody.  He had that parenting arrangement based on the fact he lived close by and could participate in your son's day to day life.  Now it's something totally different.  he's an hour away, he wants to move his son into a room with a stepsister... he wants his new girlfriend to care for your mutual son.. he wants to change the child's school...

and he wants to leave you to figure out what to do with where You fit in HIS unilateral decision making in all of this.

Completely unacceptable.

Don't let him think this is ok.  Stick to your guns.  You're certainly one of the more passive single mom's on these boards, that I've seen. lol ;)

The same thing would go for a mom who wanted to do the same thing... move an hour away into a home with her new boyfriend... and all that.

It's just not acceptable, and I believe California is really good with situations like this.  THe court will put it's foot down and tell your husband "You moved. YOU deal witih this, but the kid stays where he is"

[Peanutsdad]

Sorry,,

My take on this is he is the one moving away. He chose life an hour away over his life he currently had with his son.


My own ex was arrested 7 TIMES for domestic violence,, has documented mental illnesses that she refuses to stay on treatment for AND mult documented suicide attempts. It took every bit of that to change custody.

hehe,, plus she moved 3 hours away,, while in the middle of our custody case.

[rebecca]

Hi again.  Yesterday was our mediation appointment.  I really can not tell how it went.  We won't get the report for about 5 days.  I think the mediator liked the fact that Ex owned his own business and his claim that his hours are flexible to where Son would not have to go to daycare if he goes to the new school.  I wish now that I had emphasized more that the only reason I was looking into daycare was because he called me so many times telling me I needed to make arrangements for Son on my parenting days because he could not pick Son up from his current school anymore because of his new business and because of his new home in new city.  Ex claimed that I was telling Son things to turn him against him.  He was reading from his dayplanner like he was taking notes on events that have happened, but the items he was reading were not true, such as, he tried to call Son and I did not have Son return his call.  When he does call which is rare because he sees him all of the time - he picks him up from school everyday, I do have him call back, sometimes it isn't right away, but I always dial his number for Son and hand Son the phone.  I also made the mistake of saying that I wanted to change my work schedule so that instead of Son being at daycare for 3 hours after school to Son being at daycare 1 hour before and 2 hours after.  I did not emphasize that this does not have to happen, but I was just considering it so we had more time for homework and dinner and baths and chit chat.  He is using his fake notes as justification to get full custody from me and to get an every other weekend visit for me.  We somehow got wrapped up in a discussion about driving distances for each other in different scenarios and I kept saying that his drives with me would be longer if we changed schools, but I didn't say that if it is determined that he should change schools that I will make the drive to Ex's home to pick him up anyway.  I really just wish I could do that over again.  I feel like I am going to die.  I was told that I could submit supplemental documentation for the judge to consider if he has time, as long as I serve it to Ex beforehand.  Should I write a letter explaining things I wish I would have explained better in the mediation?  Should I write a letter to say that 95% of his calls are returned despite what his notebook says?  Thanks

[mickey26]

A quick question?? What did the mediation think about two school age children of different sex sharing a bedroom. I live in NY state and at school age children of different sexes can not share bedrooms. That there might become a big point your son not having his own bedroom at the girlfriends new home. When me and my husband had are son he has two sons from his X that were 7-8 when i had the baby. The court  was not happy when my husband went to court about a baby and two older childern sharing a bedroom. We got a 3 bedroom home befor the baby was 4 months old. But befor that the judge did not like them all sharing a bedroom.  Some thing that if you did not bring up you might want to.  Hope it might help

[rebecca]

The mediator did tell Ex that although it is not illegal, it is recommended that children of opposite sex not share a bedroom after the age of three.  That the judge may look at that situation unfavorably.  So, in regards to that, he did agree to change their home office into a bedroom for Son.  Thanks.

I still don't know what the mediation report will say but I was thinking about reducing my work schedule to 32 hours per week so that on my parenting days, I could pick Son up from school.  This will put us on a SERIOUS budget, but I wonder if that would help my case for not changing Son's school.  Any input on that would be greatly appreciated.

[lacunar]

Moving your son to a new school to accomodate your ex's schedule to pick him up is not in the best interest of the child.  The child (I assume) is doing well in his current school.  Please note that using the new Gf as child care is in many ways no different than an after school care program.  Offering an alternating week schedule is fair, but the child should remain in his current school and your ex should take on the new transportation problem during his week.  An alternative is to offer him 2 out of three weekends, every Wednesday night, and the Monday after your weekend.  This works out to roughly 50/50  (He spends 11 out of 21 nights with you, but spends 4 out of 6 weekend days with your ex.), and reduces the amount of school nights the child is being shuttled around.  Then during the summer and Christmas break just have an alternating week schedule.  Assuming 39 school-year weekends, you will get 13 weekends instead 19, but you will get 13 extra overnights.

The fact that both parents work is the key: using his new Gf as child care doesnt change the fact that it is child care.

Make a reasonable offer; I douibt the judge will change the staus quo if you are sincerely making an effort to be reasonable.