3 years, and then we settled our custody case

[lacunar]

Well, I filed for custody almost three years ago.  It was almost 6 months to the day from when my ex took the kids and left. gettinga TRO on false accusations and turning my life upsie down.  SPARC, then known as FRTC, was a mind saver for me right after that dreadful event, as was a  link from an article that led me to read up on narcissism.  It helped me cope with the trauma, and led to me agreeing to a TRO with no findings of abuse and a limited custody schedule for my son.  My SD was left on the TRO, but my ex sent both kids along on every custody period I had with my son.

It was a when I discovered she was planning to move out of the state that I filed for custody for my son.  Although I had some standing in regards to custody of my SD, I knew that including her in the suit would have enflamed my ex even more and possible had led to even more extreme claims on her part.  

Naturally, it took months to get a date for a custody conference, and my ex was able to throw more absurd claims regarding my son's (then age 4) mental and physical health to cause even more delays.  By Christmas, more than a year after my ex initially left me, I still had not been able to get a hearing date.  We did agree to a custody evaluation, the single most important factor eventually in my case. Slowly, bit by bit, my custodial time was being expanded though.

Over the next year we did not get a hearing as the evaluation was delayed by my inability to continue to pay for it.  The other side kept indicating they would settle, but it never amounted to a serious offer.  
By Christmas two years after our separation, I was facing a show cause from the judge as to why the suit should continue, since I had not paid for the evaluation.  

We were able to show how my ex's bad faith agreement to file income taxes jointly had casued a cash shortage once she refused to do so, and I was able to scrape the remaining 2000 dollars for the evaluation together despite having been laid off at my job due to the plant closing.  The evaluation recommended 50-50 custody, or if that could not be managed, that I be primary custodian.

We finally had our first hearing in April of last year, almost two years after I had filed, but again it was continued when my ex fired her attorney on the day of the trial.  Some testimony from me was heard, and a 50-50 custody arrangement for the summer was agreed upon with the next trial date being at the end of the summer.  At the end of the summer, we had almost three days of testimony, and the trial was continued to November.

In November, the judge encouraged the attorneys to settle the case, but in the end their side offered us very little so we declined.  I had not been able to find a job in the region in my field, and the judge then issued a new order that restricted my time to a minimal EOW and 2.5 hrs on Wednesdays.  The trial was continued to April, and we felt we had lost all bargaining power to settle the case since I had lost so much custodial time in the order.  

I was very discouraged, since i had limited my job hunt to a 30 mile radius so that if I became primarian custodian I would be available for my son.  Meanwhile my ex had been awarded perm disability based on her physical and MENTAl health.  It appeared to me that the judge was saying: dad works, mom's at home, and so child should reside primarily with mom.

I am working as a waiter while I look for work in my field, having expanded my search to two major cities within 70 miles of my home.   The April date was continued into May, and at that time I offered my ex a schedule that was 3/4 weekends with me, every Wednesday evening during the school year, with the weeknights becoming overnights in the summer.  We settled on 2/3 weekends with me and added on the Mondays after her weekends.  This works out to be 10/21 nights with me in the summer, and is a solid basis to expand it a year round 50-50 custody by turning the school year nights to overnights.  But even without the expansion, I am satisfied that I have enough ongoing contact with my son to ensure a true parenting relationship.

More importantly, I look at the overall situation as being a huge win for my son.  A year ago, he was being homeschooled and labled by his mom as ADHD with learning disabilities.  The evaluation had recommended that homeschooling stop, so he attended a public school this past year.  He is now ready to skip a grade next year and join his own age group in the third grade.  

Sadly, I have been removed from my SD's life. Two years ago my ex suddenly decided that she could no longer come and visit me.  (I had been a father figure for 7 years).  It was in retaliation for using her first husband as a witness in my case, and for testifying on the stand that the abuse allegations she was making against him were false.

This process of going through the family courts has taken a huge toll financially, emotionally, professionally, and to some extent physically.  Although its never truly over, at least the original suit has been settled.

[Peanutsdad]

You have my empathy.......most never consider what toll the case takes physically and spiritually on themselves,, until they are neck deep in the mess.


One thing I have learned, its never over, and it never stops sucking every last dime, morsel of will, and ounce of conviction from us all.


Someone once asked me,, is it worth it? To that, I had only one reply- For me, its not a matter of whether its worth it, it's a matter of having to look in the mirror each morning.