Help! Am I doing the right thing? Advice needed badly...........

[imajerseygirl]

I'm really gonna try to make a long story short here so I don't lose your attention. I really need some input here from anyone who will listen.

I live in PA but I'm from NJ. I have absolutely no family here at all. My ex has a huge, very close family right here in PA. I live with my bf about 40 minutes from my ex. I moved out of our home (mine and my ex's) because I didn't want to sell the house...I wanted my son (he's 4 now) to still have the home he's always known. Did I do the right thing for him? I gave up alot of $$$ I could have gained by selling the house but I would do anything for my son to make this whole divorce thing easier for him.

Now here's the problem. The bottom line is my son really doesn't want to be at my house. It is just me and my bf. There are no friends here for him to play with (I live in a very rural area). I have posted messages in the library, etc. to try to get him some playmates, but so far I have no one for him to play with. Now, at his dad's house, he has his 2 best friends that live within 2 houses of him. He has his grandparents, cousins, pool parties at cousins houses, playing with his cousins, etc. He has a very stable, happy fun life there. My ex (while I can't stand him..lol) is an EXCELLENT dad. I cannot say that enough. When my son is here (we used to split custody...I had him 3-4 days each week) he is very manipulative. If I tell him something he doesn't want to hear I get "I hate your house..I want to go to daddy's!" I am very strict and always have been. My ex is pretty easy going and pretty much gives Cody what he wants. He also gets toys, etc. all the time from ex's family. Every time he's here, he has a new toy. When he talks to my ex from my house, the first thing out of his mouth is "When am I coming to your house, daddy?". I feel like I am making him come to a place he doesn;t want to be. He security is at his dad's house. While DS is here, I am walking on eggshells. I don't want to make him mad, because I frankly cannot stand hearing him say my house stinks and he wants his dad.

So, now I;ve decided that maybe he is better off over there with his dad. Believe me, it isn't what is best for me, I miss him every minute of every day (I gave up a career, $$$, etc. when he was born so I could raise him without using daycare, etc. I was the best mother I could be...and it paid off..he's so smart, funny and obedient. But, is this what's best for him? I feel like he stresses when he's here because he wants to be at daddy's.

I've decided that I will have him every other weekend and holidays. This is killing me and we haven't even started the arrangement yet (it starts this weekend). Am I doing the right thing? I think maybe in a few years when he's older, I can see him more, but right now, the most important thing for him is stability. My ex has a huge loving family and all his friends there. I have me and my bf, which for a 4 year old isn't enough.

PLEASE PLEASE post any input you may have. I am at a loss here. Am I doing the right thing?

Any input would be SO much appreciated.

Thank you so much
Cathy

[NeverGiveUp]

Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like you and the ex are still able to get along.  I think you should try talking to him about it.  Then figure out what you can do to make your house more fun.  The child is only 4, he doesn't need friends all the time at that age. When my kids were 4 they were more than happy to hang with their parents.  When they get to be teens you have another problem . .  .

What do you and your bf do with the child? Do you read stories that the child likes, go to the movies, trips, play ball . . . . ?

If all else fails you can petition for custody and join the fun . . .

[joni]

Good advice above.  You are possibly the most unselfish mother I have met in a long time.  Incredible courage and love.  If you can trust your Ex to be honest with your feelings, let him know how you feel and see what he thinks about it.  Your Ex's house does sound like a good situation for your child.  Please ignore society's stigma about children having to be raised in their mom's house.  Remember, stupid people don't know they're stupid.

Possibly your child is also reacting to you being in a new relationship and your chld is feeling remorse that mom and dad aren't together.  Reality has hit him.  Your child stating that he likes daddy's house better is just a way of defending daddy in light of your new boyfriend.

You are close enough to get more visitation, possibly a day during the week where you can leave work early and pick up your child from school, spend the evening with him and then take him to school in the AM.

Your child needs consistency and needs to know and feel reassured that BOTH his parents are there for him unconditionally.  Let your child know just because you have a boyfriend, doesn't mean that your child isn't the number one man in your life.

Good Luck

[SLYarnell]

A child needs BOTH parents, do what ever it takes to make that happen... you will not be sorry!

[Bolivar OH]

Thank you for sharing your story.  Your love for you son is obvious.

You have a tough dilemma.

Perhaps working with a child counselor/physiologist can give you some solutions.

[littlebit]

You are not removing yourself from your son's life, just making a change.  That does not have to be a bad thing.  Yes, you will see each other less, but that's OK.  Physically being apart does not change the love and the bond between the two of you.  How great it will be to for your son to see you support his happy life.  And how wonderful for you to know that you made his happiness possible.  

As long as the communucation is open between you & Dad, all will be fine for Son.  And it is very evident that his interest is top priority for you.  Perhaps you will even figure out a way to be involved with the things he loves so much at Dad's house: pool parties, b-day parties, special events, etc.  Believe it or not, that really is possible.

Another way to look at it:  The only thing that will change is the time you and you son spend together, nothing else.  And consider this...when your son was born, he needed you a lot more than now, and you spent a lot more of your time on him than you do now.  The same thing will happen when he starts school, and again when he starts playing sports, and again when he gets a girlfriend, then when he has a car, then there is moving out, then a new family....etc.  All of those circumstances will create physical distances, but what counts will never change!

Changes are only bad for kids if the parents do not make them good!

LilltBit's Dad

P.S.
Thanks to you for some much needed relief from all the horror stories (mine included).  It reminds me that there really are great Moms & great Dads out there who put thier feelings aside for thier children.

[rebecca]

When I divorced, I also moved out of the family home.  I could not afford the house payment on my own.  My ex had to buy me out though.  I received half of the equity in the home from seperation date.  You should be able to work something like this out.

Anyway.  This divorce and move was a tough adjustment for my son then 3 years old.  I heard all of the same things that you did from him. It took about a year before learning that he was acting the same way while at his dad's house all of this time.  He missed me while he was at dad's and missed dad while with me.  This is all normal.  Maybe instead of giving up your custody, you could make an arrangement where he does not go without seeing the other parent for very long.  I had Wed, Thurs and every other weekend.  I think that as long as you give him all of the love and attention that you possbily can, he will adjust and be the same happy boy you once knew.  It took my son about 9 mos. to a year.  
I too was initially contemplating the same schedule you are, but I am so glad I didn't.  It would have been a huge mistake for him and I.

[nosonew]

I believe a 50/50 arrangement is usually best if it can be started at a young age.  Older kids just do not adjust (at least most don't).  Perhaps you can alternate weekends, and take turns with weekdays.  The more often he sees you BOTH, the better for him.  It may be a hassle for the parents, getting adjusted, but you obviously care and love this boy that you will do anything!  That is great!  Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[dipper]

My heart hurts for you - but I admire you.  It takes a mature, loving person to do what is best for your child even when it is the worst thing for yourself.  

My fiance is in a situation where his ex moved his youngest child, who is 12 years old 100 miles away this past weekend.  They had joint custody - and he is trying to get custody.  But, she lies and sneaks...refuses to listen to the child and demands that he has to live with her....like it or not.  She is even trying to get people to lie in court about my fiance.  All this time, I have thought - why doesnt she do what the child wants?  I know she would miss him, but this move is her idea, not his...why should he suffer?

So, believe me - not everyone would put their child first....

[RyCoSi]

Hi Cathy,

You have some very selfless sacrifices to say the leat and I admire you for that. Having your child's best interest at heart is the very best thing you could do. Even though I believe family is very important in a child's life, I will also believe letting them have some quiet time is also very important in their growth as it will encourage them to have an imagination. One of the first things the judge said to me and my ex was do not let the children manipulate you and that is just as important as not using your kids to get back at one another. Children learn with they live and by allowing him to be manipulative will only make it worse for you as he gets older. It sounds like you have a pretty decent relationship with your ex and I agree with some of the other posts maybe you can talk with him and see what other alternatives would be in his best interest. Remember too he is going through a lot, and needs both his parents as much as possible. For a little guy of four not too see his mother for two weeks to him it would seem like a very long time. Even if you can work it out to where you get him at least one night a week he will not feel so abandoned. My heart goes out to you because it takes a lot of courage and sacrafice to do what you have done. Good luck in whatever decision you make, as long it comes form the heart you are teaching your son good values.

Sandy