Phone calls

[zapped]

Recent custody change from BM to our home after 14 yrs (SD's decision). SD has only been with us for about 4 weeks to date.

Now BM is making another dramatic scene because SD is not calling her each and every day. SD is 14 and is obviously old enough to make her own decisions when it comes to calling her mom. The longest SD has gone without calling BM is 1-2 days, and in my opinion this is more than reasonable for a girl of her age. The last few times SD has talked to BM, she ended up in tears because BM yelled and screamed at her for not calling as BM wanted. I think this is one of the reasons why SD is not exactly jumping at the thought of talking to her mom right now. Every conversation with her mom consists of yelling, screaming, whining, tears, and then questions about what DH and I are up to.

Obviously BM is giving SD a major guilt trip because she tells SD that she's soooo incredibly sad and she can't handle not talking to SD for one day. HELLO woman?!Now that SD's  with us BM all of a sudden misses her SO much! It got to the point that BM even called at 7 in the morning! So inappropriate.

We have never kept SD from calling her mom and BM knows this. SD is more than welcome to use any of our phones to call her mother as she wishes. We remind SD to call her mom every day (really, we do!) and it is up to SD to dial the digits as she wishes.

Now BM is calling DH making a huge fuss about the phone calls and she's growing "very frustrated" with the whole situation. There is nothing in the CO that says that SD is required to call her EVERY SINGLE DAY. Last night BM called at 10pm and SD was already in bed because she has summer school the next day. BM was so angry that she didn't talk to SD last night that she called DH several times at work this morning and then sent two emails about it today. BM thinks that we are trying to keep SD from her but that's obviously NOT the case here.

What do we say to BM when she brings this up again? DH is going to speak with her tonight. How to we tell her the right way? Or IS there a proper way to handle this?

Thanks in advance.

[DeepInTheHeart]

BM is WAY over the line on this.

I just spent a month apart from my kids- the LONGEST I have ever been apart from them. I had major separation anxiety and I fully understand the urge to call about a bazillion times a day......

BUT

I limited myself to no more than two calls per week. I want the kids to have a good time and connect with their dad and I don't think constantly butting in will let them achieve that.
I think a rational, mature parent could exert some willpower and refrain from indulging their personal axieties and let their child have a life without making the child feel that they have to wait around for the other parent to call every day before they can do anything else.

I'd be REAL tempted to make a schedule for two calls per week, notify BM, and be done with it. If DD is there when BM calls other than the scheduled times and wants to talk to her- fine. If DD isn't there or doesn't want to talk- fine also. But I'd set two guaranteed times per week for BM and SD to talk- and float the rest. Also acceptable calling hours (my rule is no later than 9pm and not before 7am) and unplug the phone and answering machines to enforce it if you have to.

And I don't know about you but anyone who starts yelling at me and being rude to me on the phone finds out REAL fast what Ma Bell created the dial tone for. I've had very good results with dial tone therapy.

Deep