primary custodianship letter

[TXdadof2]

Nothing big....just wanted to share a letter that I wrote, probably in vein, that tells of a father's heartcry as he makes a plea, regarding his children.  This will never be read to a judge, but several of the legal professionals involved in the case have read it, so maybe it sheds light, maybe not.  The irresponsibility mentioned is only the beginning, so don't bash me for "sweating the small stuff".  I am trying to be nice in this letter (silly me).  Nonetheless, here it is.  Maybe it will help someone else someday.  
FYI, it was an ambush divorce where she slapped, ran, hid the children and stole money.  The first day in court, she asked for more monthly money than I bring home in a paycheck.  There has never been physical abuse of any nature, and her claims of "fear" are completely unsubstantiated.  My STBX is accusing me of controlling her and "mentally abusing" her.  It's ugly, and I welcome any advice from those who "go before me".  Here's the letter:


Your Honor,
I submit this as my naive, humble, passionate, and all be it ....biased....attempt to convince anyone and everyone who will listen (especially you) why I truly believe that I am the best choice for primary custodian....for the sake of our children.  Make no mistake about it; my true desire is full reconciliation with my wife....their mother.  I believe it is the only option that truly serves their best interest, and I will continue to hope and pray that this will eventually be an option.  In the meantime, in no way do I want to deny my wife access to our children.  That would most definitely NOT be in their best interest.  They love their mother and their mother loves them.  Neither I nor anyone that stands on my behalf would deny or dispute that.  This is not about who loves who.  I have been advised that this hearing is being viewed strictly from the perspective of "what's best for the children".  I have done my personal best in attempting to focus on that issue alone, even in the midst of an emotional storm.
 
Therefore, I come before you in an attempt to honestly convey to you that I am one of the most "hands-on" fathers that may have ever stood before you.  My duty as their father has never been defined by the "norm" or any stereotype that society may have placed on a father's role.  I have taken part in any and every aspect of their life.  Thankfully, society is moving away from the thinking that a father's role includes little more than serving as the bread winner.  I believe it is fathers like me that have changed that thinking.  I am, by today's standards, what many may refer to as a "Mr. Mom" kind of dad.  Regardless of any outcome to this awful situation....where there are guaranteed to be no winners....I hope you will believe this enough to at least consider my plea.
 
As I have learned first-hand, parenting (and especially responsible parenting) involves duties ranging from budgeting to bedtime stories. Often, one of the most difficult of these responsibilities is the financial aspect of parenting and running a family.  It is overwhelming at times, but I have made an honest attempt at establishing a lifestyle that is responsibly affordable for us.  For the sake of my family, I have worked diligently, and we have nearly recovered from some devastating and long-lasting financial mistakes that my wife and I both brought forward from our past.  I have attempted to live up to one of the many major responsibilities of a parent, and that is to live in a financially responsible manner.  Never did I do so at the expense of love and nurturing to my children.  Never has my family done without the luxuries and conveniences that many Americans are not afforded.  However, my wife has made this effort extremely difficult.  I have presented to you some evidence of such.  By her own admission, my wife is irresponsible--financially--and she needs help.  I have encouraged her, and even agreed to join her, in various types of counseling, including financial counseling.  She has never followed through with this.  She has been given  books dealing with the subject and she has ignored them.  I have tried to work together and come up with solutions, including separate accounts with discretionary dollars, so she wouldn't feel that I was trying to deny her of those things that women tend to favor.  All of this has not worked; and short of watching her basically take our family into financial ruin, I was often left with no choice but to make sure the bills were paid FIRST before focusing on discretionary dollars and the material things that she weighed so heavily.  
 
As a result, I am now...once again...adversely affected by her financial irresponsibility in one of the most painful ways imaginable.  Because she was not willing to attend counseling and learn from a person who could help her situation, I must now defend myself AND ask you to consider these things when determining who is to be primary custodian.  From her "nsf" record, it should be obvious that my wife was truly not willing to responsibly handle even the smallest amount of money.  NOTHING in her past would indicate that she is prepared to handle the financial responsibilities associated with primary custodianship.  While that may sound harsh, my children now stand to be adversely affected by this pattern.  They have no choice in this legal matter, and they don't understand.  However, they will suffer immensely from financial irresponsibility of this magnitude.  How can this be in the best interest of the children?  Financial irresponsibility destroys marriages and families everyday....and apparently, we have become another statistic.  I plea with the court to strongly consider my attempt at preventing such....in the best interest of our children.
 
Unfortunately, the irresponsibility doesn't stop there.  As the evidence shows, my wife has not been willing to responsibly handle the agreed upon task of getting our children to school on time.  This is not an occasional occurrence, and the evidence supports that.  We have discussed this time and time again, and she has continually agreed that she is willing to accept the responsibility.  It is now to the point that the school is sending letters and making phone calls to our home because of continued tardiness.  Still, nothing has changed.  This is NOT evidence of being able to responsibly handle the duties that will come with primary custodianship.  Instead, whomever is granted such must now prepare to handle this and much more....possibly without the consistent day-to-day help from the other parent.  While I stand before you with more questions than answers, I unequivocally believe that I am the better choice to handle this role.  
 
I could come forward with more evidence and witnesses that could support my claims under oath.  However, I haven't been afforded the opportunity to prepare myself as my wife has.  Instead, I have been forced to work with two business days and come up with the kind of evidence that would convince you that I am the most responsible choice for primary custodian.  I am expected to do so in spite of her secretive, misleading and ongoing effort for weeks, if not months, to convince you otherwise.  Furthermore, I have been told to be comforted by the fact that any ruling today that might honor her request for primary custodianship is, for now, only "temporary".  Many have advised me that I should not be alarmed by that and possibly even voluntarily agree to it.  However, I must ask the court, "How can I voluntarily agree to this if I truly believe it is not in the best interest of the children?".  I have never worked so hard in such a short period of time to gather enough substantiated evidence to support my case. While trying to accomplish this, I was continually hindered with the miserable task of making arrangements to guard bank accounts, from which she has unlawfully made withdrawals AND replacing paperwork that she has confiscated.  Above all else, I spent time desperately (yet unsuccessfully) attempting to work with the police department in an effort to locate my children and know that they were safe.  My wife has unlawfully taken them into hiding, defying me of any visitation, and no one has been able to tell me where they are.  I was willing to be escorted by a law officer or whatever necessary to see my children and confirm that they were safe.  And even with all of that, I have still managed to present to you my substantiated plea. I am hoping that you will consider what I have presented.  Furthermore, I am hoping that you will agree that I am the responsible choice for primary custodian.  
 
If I have failed to convince you and I am not willing to voluntarily settle for anything less, then I am told I stand the risk of being lawfully commanded to accept her being granted primary custodianship (if even temporarily). Based on what I have told you, I could not conscientiously bargain or negotiate for my children's best interest.  I AM NOT asking that my wife NOT be granted her rights as a mother.  I am only asking that I be granted the primary custodian role.  I want to take the kids to their home and continue being the father I have been to date, in spite of the family situation of which I now have no control.  I want to return them to the place where they live and continue my ONGOING AND UNPERFECTED attempt to be the most responsible parent that I can be.  This includes many things....some of which I'm better at than others....but none of which exclude the day-to-day responsibilities of running a family.
 
I personally believe and I feel it is the court's duty to look at this closely.  I realize it is not the norm for the father to be granted primary custody....whether it be temporary or long-term.  However, if I am truly making an attempt at determining what I believe is in the best interest of our kids, I do not feel at liberty to voluntarily agree to anything less.  This has nothing to do with love.  It has nothing to do with hate.  This is not my first choice in this awful situation.  If given the choice, I would truly desire the only alternative that IS truly in the best interest of the children....and that would be that our family would stay intact and we would work through our problems.  I am not the one that made this choice to break up our family.  I must only act accordingly.  I believe it would serve our children best if we sought professional help or whatever necessary in order for our children to live in their home with both of their natural parents, who love them beyond belief.  Yet that love was not enough to motivate my wife to get the help she admittedly needs OR responsibly handle many of the agreed upon obligations in such a way that now warrants her to be their primary custodian....even temporarily.  Therefore, I am asking the court to consider all things and grant me primary custody both now and later.
 
Respectfully,