Grandparents want us to stop persuing custody.....

[onedaddy]

Let me start by saying my in-laws are very good-natured, gentle people.  They have been very supportive, especially financially in these extremely trying times.  
Here's the problem, they have talked my husband out of pressing charges when his ex's husband/family had his 4 month old truck torched/destroyed in front of his apartment, they refused to file charges when 3 days later the BM's father called them and stated this was no accident but "a message for your son."  They talked my husband out of persuing criminal charges when the BM took out a $5,000 loan using my husbands name and ss#.  Told him to let it go every time BM has violated the CO, and denied him his children, told him to ignore it when the children start to turn on him because of the lies they are being told.  To ignore the fact that the children's step-father is a violent ex-con with more than 26 arrests, including numerous domestic violence convictions and patronizing prostitutes near the home they share, because as fas as we know he has never laid a hand on these children, huh?  To not file charges after the ex had him falsely arrested 2x, the 2nd he spent nearly 10 hours in a maximum security prison, mind you he has never been arrested in the past.
They truely believe that if my husband stays quiet the judge's will magically see through everything vindicate him somehow and prosecute the BM all by theirselves; Are they kidding?
My husband thinks this is for my best interest as I am currently 5 months pregnant and the children will understandably be MORE difficult if we do win custody, which I hear is extremely doubtful.  Yes, I am under tremendous stress, I cry alot and pick fights with my poor husband but that is caused by the complete loss of control, humiliation, unjustice.
Please note the law guardian, 2 lawyers and the forensics told my husband he was STUPID for not pressing charges and how hard it is to believe he is so innocent to just take this abuse over and over and over 2 years after the divorce.
Now my husband is talking about tring to make himself look bad during his last appointment with the forensics on Thursday eve.
Why can't they all realize that the more she gets away with, the less he sticks up for himself, the more abusive she will become and the less respect the children will have for him.
I am at my wits end with everything!  

[Kitty C.]

JMO, but I'd be telling the in-laws, no matter HOW well intentioned they might be, to STAY OUT OF IT!  And I'd also be checking to see if charges can still be filed, since we're talking arson here.

Tell your husband this:  with what has already transpired, the ONLY direction he seems to be heading is to give up ALL rights to his children, to never see them again, and to deal with the possibility that, if the BM marries the con, he could very well adopt your husband's children.  Short of that, he will never see them again, but will continue to pay CS.......AND will have it increased FREQUENTLY because the BM will know that he will roll over and play dead EVERY time.

This is the proverbial 'Y' in the road and he must make a choice NOW.  Does he or does he NOT want his children?  Does he or does he NOT want to protect them?  Does he or does he NOT want them ALIVE and HEALTHY, both physically and emotionally?  It is only a decision HE can make, the hell with the grandparents, it's not THEIR children in question here, they're HIS.

On second thought, tell him this:  if he's thinking of making himself look bad to the forensics, why doesn't he just tell them he wants to give up his parental rights instead?  Remember, this does NOT relieve him of his financial responsibilties to his children, unless BM marries and SD wants to adopt.

Sorry for coming across so forcefully, but it just sounds like to me that your DH needs the proverbial 2x4 upside his head.  It's times for him to $hit or get off the pot.  He either wants to be a parent to his children or he doesn't.  ONLY he can choose that, NO ONE ELSE.

[onedaddy]

Sorry, but what's JMO?
Your absolutely right!  I guess I needed to hear it from another party.
The investigation on the Arson case was done and closed almost 2 years ago now.  The fire marshall must always investigate to make sure it wasn't some type of insurance scam.  My husband left out all the pertinent info to the fire marshall and so there's no reopening this case, unfortunately.  
I would like to file some type of criminal charge against the BM for at the very least filing false criminal charges the 2nd time, false imprisonment and harrassment.  But how can I get the police to listen?  Our lawyer does not think it's a very good idea before the trial on the 28th, so it would have to wait a bit.  My husband was found not guilty in criminal court on August 5th, the judge specifically stated she was not credible, she was shifty and did not beleive a word she said, he also said there was no punishment for her.  We will be filing civil charges against her for the above and everything else we can throw in.
Actually the BM married the con 2 months after the divorce.  
We are fighting for custody but this is only because she brought false allegations that my plumber husband has OCD, is TOO clean and chases the children around the house with Windex, this and the fact that he's a "drug addict", having oddly never even tried a cigarette.   She attempted to bring neglect charges against him with CPS and asked the court to revoke his joint custody and only have supervised visits.  She wants to take the kids to live in Florida where the con is from.  The law guardian and our newest lawyer said ENOUGH, it's time to step up to the plate.  
I've been arguing with the grandparents for quite sometime, their a bit hot headed, I've told my husband to limit what they know, tell them once and for all to MYOB and let it go a that.  
We have enough stress in our lives that we TRYING to deal with, which brings me to my next post....

[Kitty C.]

Just my opinion.............

Bottom line:  it ALL depends on what your DH wants to do.  And how hard he wants to fight for it.  Remember this, tho.  You have no control over what he decides and only he has the last word on it.

If he chooses to throw up his hands and walk away from it all, he does at least need to know that he's literally walking out of his children's lives possibly forever.  If the BM is vindictive enough to cause as many problems as she already has, she is probably also PAS'ing (Parental Alienation Syndrome) the children, too.  And if it's severe enough, the damage can be permanent.

Tell him to come here and check out what others are going thru.  He may feel like he's the only one in the world going thru this, and he's NOT.  There is strength in numbers and many here have found new resolve with not only the info available here, but also from the support of others who have BT, DT.

[onedaddy]

Sorry, Kitty I'm a little slow today.  I figured it out after I press post.

He does want the absolute best for his children, more than anything.  He's just frightened and the grandparents are adding to that.  The daily humilation, PASing, interference, false arrests, etc. continue to make this fight one of the hardest we've had to endure.  

This site has been my only salvation, but still I cry all the time, and when I'm not crying I'm probably yelling.  How does everyone cope?

[Kitty C.]

As much as it might hurt, has he ever thought of either cutting contact with his parents or at least limiting it extremely?  At least until the kids are older and custody isn't an issue anymore?  I think that's his first hurdle, because it appears to me that the g-parents are just poisoning the situation.  They aren't allowing him to decide for himself, and this is a situation where he is the ONLY person who can decide.

How do we cope??  LOTS and LOTS of prayer!  Coming here often to keep ourselves sane!  Now, you realize the extremes of your emotions can be from your pregnancy.  Remember to take time for yourself, too.  You can support him and help him, but you cannot control him.

There's been a few times that DH has done something in regards to SS and PBFH that I thought was totally wrong.  And I certainly let him know how I felt about it, too!  But he also let ME know that this was HIS son and he would do what he felt was in the best interest of him.  It might end up being wrong, but that HE would find that out sooner or later and make sure not to make the same mistake again.  So now he lets me spout off when I think a point needs to be made...........and I NEVER say 'I told you so!'

[onedaddy]

The grandparents have no idea the damage they are doing, but severing ties won't help. He was distant from the whole family during the course of the 10 year marriage do to the urging of the BM.  His brother passed away 3 years ago in a terrible car accident and the guilt is overwhelming.
I want my DH to make the decisions for himself.  Although he doesn't trust himself, he is very capable to decide what is best for himself, his life and even his children even the court suytem will allow him to take on that roll.
We go to counseling tomorrow evening, I think it;s time she reccommended someone for me to see alone.

Thanks for the encouraging words.