AUSSIERULES Trial Report - AZ

[tracylee]

You are right about trying.  The day after we were informed of all the details, he sat up in bed one night and said he had to try and save them.  He said if he didn't and something had happened to them, he could never live with himself.  It is so unfair how they treat fathers.  Perfectly capable (if not more so, in some cases) fathers.  I have spoken to you before, if you recall, I am the one that posted "My version of David Lettermans Top 10 list".  I know you have dealt with the meth issue and can probably imagine the horror we felt when the judge ruled in her favor.  After everything that had been presented, it was a huge blow.  

I am so happy for you and your children.  Thank you for your reply and take care.

[aussierules]

This is an experience that has been hard on all. My family has been devastated at what has happened to me. My surviving grandparents who cannot leave CA as they are old and disabled cannot see my child because even now mum will not allow me to take our daughter to see them. My own mother insists that this experience has changed me forever. While I was never married to mum it has made me very hesitant about future relationships with women because I find myself wondering what if this all happens again. I guess simple words can trigger complex emotions. I needed people to believe me and believe in me back when this all started. The only smart thing I did was to get help. I could not afford to dump the $126K I have spent thus far but you know what life in a prison for something I did not do was the worst thing I could imagine so I pulled it all together. It has certainly eaten away at future retirement but I still have my child so for me it is worthwhile.

I do not mean to minimize the trauma you may have suffered as a kid. Child sexual abuse is disgusting and should be to any reader but perhaps what is MORE insulting and revolting is the way in which the system allows innocent people's lives to be ruined emotionally, mentally and financially. Not just adults but moreso kids. I thank my lucky stars I did what I did and made the monetary sacrifices I did to get the right people to help me. It is a shame that I should have to do so but for my daughter's sake having the money but no child was pushed me over the edge.

Do you think for one minute that I would admit to being accused of the things I have been accused of in such a public space as the internet? I do not make great effort to hide who I am. If you had read an earlier message I offered to provide some of the collateral materials from my case where my name is mentioned. When all is said and done I plan on putting the entire usful portion of the case file online so others can learn from my experience literally and perhaps avoid some of the tens of thousands of $$$ that I had to spend to get here. I never asked to be accused of anything. What my case amounts to is a mum who wants to perform a fatherectomy as my FTC calls it. She wants money and she wants me to be gone. Now I know that is her disease talking and that I need to hang in there even harder than I did before regardless of the costs. One can always make the money back but one cannot recover a relationship lost under such circumstances.

My goal was not to get you all on the edge of your seats. I wanted to allow you to peek into my life. To see what a 3 1/2 year fight with 6-7 accusations of sexual abuse, a couple of stalking charges, harassment and god knows what else felt like. One thing you may not already know about Australians is that we do many things purely on the basis of a principle. It would be all too easy to sneek off and try to get everything back in some semblance of order but I do not know that I could live with myself if that happened to someone else and I did nothing to prevent it. I believe any story that is told needs to be done in as compelling a way as possible and often times people hold back and it dilutes the message that they are trying to convey. I do not suffer from that delusion and I am of the opinion that you all are grown up enough to hear it like it is without the candy coating part.

I have to remain hopeful for a couple of simple reasons. When I was first accused and I stood down my visitation for 87 days I was without doubt lost and heartbroken. As I started to put my case together I got things back ever so slowly. I got an award of joint custody and perhaps I should have stopped there but mum would not stop. She made more and more accusations and I hung in there. The State of Arizona would NOT take my child away because they began to realize what a fruitcake she was. Now with the psychological evaluation I think I am rounding 3rd and heading for home. Maybe that is just an illusion but I truly have to believe that if the judge wants to protect our child in the best way possible he has to want mum to get well. Nobody except for mum is disputing the fact that she is not well and for god's sake this is the court appointed expert - the judge in the field so to speak.

I do not know if I will win. If I lose my child loses. I know I did the best I could with what I had. My case is horrific. I am not trying to compare the size of our misery because that is insanity. Misery of any kind is not good so yours is as bad as mine even if it is different. I think what I am trying to emphasize is that my case is an extreme and if I do not put it out there others may conclude incorrectly that things could never get this bad. WRONG - THEY CAN. I am not asking you to stay on the side because then nobody learns anything from this. I stayed there for quite a while until I felt ready to engage. I have spent the best part of the last month sharing and replying to messages to fill in the blanks. Do not let my gruffness push you away. In fact what it should make you do is come out twice as hard to say what you have to say.

In the same 30,000 person town I live in my nationally known FTC has 2 other cases. I have become friends with the first guy and he waited a little too long to get the right people involved. He has spent as much as I have if not more but he has not seen his kids for over 11 months and he stands convicted of nothing. The other guy has been in jail for 11 months and all of the science has substantiated his innocence but there he sits because the State of Arizona and the County Attorney have made their claim to fame on prosecuting child sex abusers whether or not they actually fit that description. You will have to take it from me that things are out of control in this state. There are MANY more cases like this in my own county and while there are rightly convicted sexual predators in jail today there are many who are there because they could not mount a defense to the wild allegations made by other mums like my own.

I want you to want me to win for my daughter because if I do not prevail then the consequences for my child are horrific. If all of the PhDs are right then she can look forward to a life full of anal & vaginal exams, therapy, interfering idiots like the GAL who are here to bleed us of more money and to do things that they think are in her best interests but in reality are just the things that they have always done before. Like I said these people are clowns. They order therapy for kids like it is a candy bar in a 7/11 store. They are absoluetly clueless. Mum does not understand her sickness and if I am not successful in getting her into therapy to deal with it the danger remains for us all. I personally do not want to live my life like this.

I have stood my ground because it is the only way I know how to deal with this. You can never show weakness because these people are predatorial and they can somehow misconstrue that behavior into something else. I have been called a "GROOMER" by the GAL but my response was that she did not have a clue what she was talking about. These kind of mini defeats along the way can devastate one into quitting but I am always reminded of my child and what she needs. I said in court and I will say it again today - I want my daughter to enjoy her childhood, to not be impacted by her mother's hate for me in such a way that she cannot be the person she is. I want my daughter to be happy & healthy and to enjoy a relationship with her mother that is safe. Today that relationship is NOT safe and my job as her father is to protect her from it just as if it were any other danger. IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

No offense was intended. I read my response to you many times before I sent it because I figured it would get your attention. My point was and is if you do not believe me then call me on it or leave me alone. I need people to believe in me just as you did in you. As I am sure you can attest hearing people say that they just do not know whether they are to believe you or not is a tough pill to swallow. I do not want or need a cheerleading squad. Take issue with things I say if you feel that is merited by all means but do not be surprised if I bark & bite your head off if I hear stuff like "if we believe what you say". I have no reason to lie because if I did I could have just said nothing at all.

AUSSIE OUT

[onedaddy]

1 in 4 woman, 1 in 6 men have or will be sexually assaulted in their life time.  In my opinoin your daughter is among this statistic.  She WAS sexual abused but it was at the hands of her MUM.  Filing false sex abuse charges is as disgusting as the actual abuse.  The trauma your daughter has suffered, YOU have suffered is nothing short of vulgar and despicable. I applaud you for opening up your life to us and sharing the most intimate details that make us and even more so you, shriek.  I am grateful to everyone for sharing their stories, they are all outrageously disgusting in their own way including this horrible meth using mom and mine.  But I will again say, hind site is 20/20 and I have learned so much of what to do and probably more importantly what NOT to do in my year long custody battle that will be going on for much, much, much longer and even more money. These stories often scare the crap out of me of what I might have to look forward to.  But they sometimes make me feel a little safer that I am not alone.

All of these crazy mum's have gotten these insane ideas from somewhere. What worked for one momster apparantly worked for most.  I believe an open forum like such can bring the DH's plight together and when I hear something worked for one DH or SM I'm out there trying it and when I hear something backfired I'm backing off.      

Which brings me to a personal question, I know you advised me not to press civil charges against BM.  But I am so conflicted, my matrimonial lawyer things it would be okay, even socrateaser thinks it would be okay.  In good conscience I  can't see letting all this misery go but I think if DH finally stands up they will eventually have no other choice but to leave us alone.  Yes, bringing civil charges will bring up a host of new problems, including violence, my biggest fear, as these are the most violent criminals I've ever had the misfortune of knowing.  But not bringing up charges will show them they can and will continue to get away with the crimes they've commited against DH, and these crimes or threats have gotten increasingly more violent.  Also when we first met with the LG and the evaluator they found it unreasonable that we were in court defending BM's allegations with all the documentation and claims we have made, why were we not pursuing and actions; the criminal judge felt the same way.   I must be honest I am furious with BM and her family, I hate them with every ounce of my being but I also fear them; the SF, who I fear the most is a very. very violent man with a past that would allow him to know the shadiest of them all.  BM has no fears, no conscience as does the rest of the family, they grandfather and uncles have done some unspeakabe things as well.  

I've got a million more ?'s but i'll start there, and post some of the others throughout the forum.  
Thank you for sharing your personal information with me it has helped quite a bit  and GOOD LUCK tonight!

[tracylee]

Point taken.  I am sure this would have taken its tole on me if I were in your shoes.  You may or may not recall, I actually did interject at one point ina ll of this when itold you that you should write a book about your experiences, to help others in your situation.  

You were right about certain people not being able to afford to prove their innocence.  Money holds the key to unlocking certain doors and that is unfortunate for some, but a blessing to those that do have it.  Yes, you may be broke for the rest of your life, but your childs sanity is worth more tahn any monetary amount.

As far as other women, Since you are broke, at least you'll know that if you meet someone and they know what you have gone through, they won't be in it for the money!  (haha....just trying to lighten things a bit).  Seriously though, there are good women out there.  I just happen to be the last one in the state of Georgia!  I don't know how those Arizona women are, but if you want loyalty, you're gonna have to travel this way to find it!  That's one thing about southern women....they "Stand By their man"...(thank you Tammy Wynette).  

I know you are under a lot of stress so lets just write it off as such and enjoy this last little tidbit:

You know what an Eskimo gets when he sits around too long?
Polaroids!

Have a good day, Aussie!

[aussierules]

There have been so many replies that I did not immediately recognize the comment as yours. I think what I am responding to is emotional in nature. I want people to know I did not do anything wrong but more so I want them to know how bad this crap can get. Money is indeed the root of all evil. I always think that if I had just worked at Circle K that mum would not be indulging her fancy in false allegations of child abuse.

The other women thing may well be true. Rock on southern princesses. I am relieved to receive your reassurance. The stress is high for sure but I do not believe that killing the messenger is acceptable. Hang in there with me the road will no doubt get wilder from here.

[aussierules]

This is what is wrong with the system. Winner, Losers etc. We as adults and loving parents fit in that role for sure BUT the truly affected party is or in your case are your kids. When this first happened to me in April 2003 I felt like a victim. I cried like a baby. Then I went to watch a movie. The movie had a pretty important an uplifting message that seemed right on point - Bend It Like Beckham which by the way I loved. I drove home that night still in the mire of the first accusation & decided that I was going to fight with ALL that I had. My child needed me to be there for her and if that meant making some sacrifices along the way then that was what I would do. There is nothing heroic in achieving that state of mind but it was a conscious decision to be a VICTOR and not to be a VICTIM.

How the system treats fathers is deplorable. I cannot count the number of times I have said that having a penis in this situation is a liability and until genuine equity is achieved for the child's sake then we are doing every child like mine or yours a disservice. When I am done with my case I fully intend to lobby the legislature with my big mouth and pleas of passion to get this crap changed. AZ is not the worst state but the problem is more fundamental than that. Dads can do as good a job as mums in the care of their children. It has nothing to do with anatomy & until the legislature and courts wake up to this things like this will continue to happen.

I like many of you I'm sure have seen my circle of friends change and have felt the pain of rejection from people who believe what she has told them. I am trying to get the judge to make a smart decision. I do believe that garbage in = garbage out which is why I went about this the way that I did. One cannot blame oneself if one tried. Your husband is correct. If you gave it as we like to call it the "old college try" then you did what you could and you can and must not have any regrets. I know if something were to go wrong I would question what I could have done differently but for me I know I did all that I could. So no regrets, keep moving forwards - backwards is not an option. I mourn you & hubbies loss in that courtroom but ultimately as they like to say back home "she'll be right".

[wendl]

I couldn't agree more, my dh, really his kids lost in his custody battle. Pretty said that when a man takes a woman to court to try and protect their children, he looses, his kids lost because dad was trying to protect them and give them a better life, so now dad gets reduced time.

DH and I discussed this as we discuss everything. We have no regrets as we did what we legally could, dh will show his kids later in life that he did everything that he legally could.

I can say mom is doing better in our case, sad that it takes dh taking her to court to WAKE UP, since trial mom has moved into a better neighborhood and put the kids in a better school, along with other things she is now doing better.

Only time will tell, his kids know we love them and are always here for them no matter what.

:)

[aussierules]

I am not saying it cannot happen. The sad fact that it almost comes down to the roll of a LOADED set of dice is objectionable to me. I feel like the worst I can end up is where I am today - not that it is good but I do have shared custody legal & physical with 50% parenting time. I did not present badly in the trial from the experts. Sure I did from mum, her mum and her best friend but they are hardly objective. Kids need their dads so your loss to "Disneyland Dad" visitation is troubling & sad at the same time.

I can tell you that my little girl even at 5 knows what is going on. She has an acute awareness of what mum is doing to dad and to be honest she is somewhat resentful of it. She feels like she is caught in the middle and as long as the State of AZ allows that to occur my child is at risk. I am glad to see mum is doing better in your case but at what price did it occur? You should not have to stake your kids to wake her up from her slumber. That is shameful. Your kids will realize what is going on sooner than you think. Mark my words!