A Sea of Change....

[Astro]

I don't post too often--I still suffer from lurking and only occasionally peek out with a comment or two.  Some of you may remember my post of several months ago involving my ex not having transportation, her inability to come pick up our son (I am NCP), and the ensuing situation that caused.  That blown over but still an issue, I find myself in a new situation....

For the third time in as much as a year, my ex called two days ago having "problems" with our son (9).  She told me that she wants him to come live with me (YES!) to at least finish out the school year (I am going to put him back a grade--I may embellish later) and because he needs a male influence.  Neither one of us ever want to go to court again--it was traumatic to say the least.  She has agreed to send back all the child support and to sign a statement saying so.  When I pick him up tomorrow we will have a notary witness it.  While I don't have a legal leg to stand on, if I pushed the issue any further she would definitely back out.  Of course if (when) she doesn't follow through I'll have to follow another course of action, but for now I just need to get him here.  

That said, I have a dilemma.  My wife and I are making a big change in our lives--at least temporarily.  We desperately needed to make some investments--and so tomorrow (same day I pick up my son) she is closing on a house and she and my step-children are moving out for at least 6 months (necessary due to the loan).  It is a sacrifice we are making for the long run.  It is amazing sometimes how Murphy screws with timing.  In essence I'll be a "single" parent in 24 hours.  While I have no doubt in my ability to be such, I have the nagging voice in my mind telling me something's not right.  

I have not told my ex of this situation because frankly, it was none of her business.  I fear that if I tell her this now she may view it as instability and my son will not be here--and he desperately NEEDS to be here for HIS sake.  He has a vision disability (I hate that word) that my ex has not taken care of whatsoever and it has affected his schooling.  His reading and math skills are way below par and I so want him to succeed in life.  That and many other reasons left out in the interest of brevity necessitate his move.

I'll stop there for now--any comments or suggestion?


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On a completely different note--I seem to recall having read/heard somewhere about states getting matching federal funds for child support collected.  Does anyone have that information or a link that supports this--or do I remember incorrectly?

[Kitty C.]

It is absolutely NONE of her business.  I don't know what that nagging voice is actually telling you, but I certainly wouldn't sweat the situation.  Get things done tomorrow and if she eventually happens to find out, there won't be a damn thing she can do about it.

As for the CS, even with a notarized statement, she might renig on the agreement.  Don't sweat that one either.  Pay if you have to, but when six months have passed, start thinking of filing for custody on a significant change of circumstance of changed residences.  Even better, if you can also get her to state specifically WHY she is sending your son to live with you, it can be used against her when you do file for mod.  If you need a reason, tell her it will make it easier for you to get things done for your son, like school, medical, and whatnot.  Buffalo her if you have to.

As for your son's vision, what specifically is wrong?  I worked for 6 years in one of the top university ophthalmology depts. in the country and they have a well known pediatric dept.  Have you taken him to a pediatric ophthalmologist for evaluation?  

[FatherTime]

You are right...the state that collects child support does receive matching funds.  

I would take this change of circumstances and think of it in a positive light.  Go into it with positive energy and happiness for your son.  You will now have quality one on one time to work with him and a chance to improve his perception of schooling and how fun and important it is to him as a person.  You have a once in a lifetime chance to focus on him and show him what it is to be a dad...he's watching you and learning how it's done.  Also, it is a good way to gradually incorporate him into his new family.

As for the nagging voice in your head telling you that something isn't right....keep your eyes open.  Don't dismiss it.  Be cautious on all fronts.

You have my congratulations and my condolences.
congrats on your son...
condolences on your wife and step-children leaving for awhile.

[Astro]

I caught my son's vision problem about a year and a half ago.  I will kick myself for the rest of my life for not catching it sooner because I noticed some behaviors that make sense now.  My only (bad) excuse is that I only get to see him 3 days a month and the doctor's office is not open on weekends.  

When I had questioned my ex on it she had the school nurse check his eyes--she said they were OK so therefore that was good enough in my ex's eyes.  The summer before last I took him to an eye doctor here and it was determined that he was farsighted and had bad astiSLURPism.  I bought him glasses and we saw an improvement.

As luck would have it, he broke his glasses and to her benefit, she took him to an opthalmologist where she lives.  They did a battery of tests and determined that it was a much bigger problem.

He has significant to severe deficits in the following areas:  eye movement, convergence, focus, far eye teaming, near eye teaming, far resilience, near resilience (he does not even measure on the chart), near clarity and overall ability.  The only thing that was normal was his far clarity.  This was determined last Spring and so when I had him for part of the Summer I started taking him to eye therapy here where I live.  When he returned to his mother he went twice to therapy and never returned.

You would never know that he has any eye problems except for his problems with reading, writing and attention span.  He's very bright and I'm impressed that he has done as well as he has and tried so hard to the point of exhaustion.  Easily passed off as some attention deficit or other problem it would be easy to see why so many children could be misdiagnosed and fed some medication to further screw things up.

I will be taking him to therapy here starting next week.  There is a lot of homework involved with this--so I do the exercises too.  On a side note, I improved my vision from 20/20 to 20/15 by doing these (and some of my own contriving) exercises.  As a working pilot--this is a good thing!  I just hope that we can get on top of this so that he can have all the tools to succeed....

[Kitty C.]

Well, having him living with you will only improve his chances, since it's obvious that you will be taking him regularly to therapy.  But DO NOT berate yourself for not catching it sooner!  There's no way you could, what with the limited time you spent with him then!  My DS was struggling a year ago (in hindsight there were also problems with the teacher), but we told her we never saw much of what was being described, because we only saw him 4 days a month.

As a pilot, you definitely know how important eyesight is and it is apparent that you are on top of the situation.  Regardless of what has happened in the past, what's important now is what happens in his future.  One recommendation I would make is that he NEVER be seen by anything less than an ophthalmologist, preferably pediatric.  Optometrists just aren't trained enough or equipped with the right testing tools to handle a problem like his.  Are they saying anything as to what the cause might be, possibly congenital or genetic?

I am highly myopic with astiSLURPisms, also with weak spots in my retinas (making me susceptible to tearing), hypothyroidism (left untreated, the muscles around the optic nerves can swell and cut off vision completely), and have had eye muscle surgery to correct severe strabismus.  I certainly feel for your son!  And I think what you're doing for him is wonderful.  The added benefit of the better acuity for you is proof that you take this seriously and working hard with him.

Another couple questions:  do you have your instructor's license and live anywhere near Iowa???  One of my lifelong dreams is to get my pilot's license!

[patton]

 Federal funding to states for the administration of child suport enforecement activites is contingent on teh approval of state plan for child lsupport.  As a condition for having their plans approved states must establish quidelines for determining child support award amounts.

To receive federal funds for child support enforcement activities, states must have an approved state plan for child support, including quidelines governing awards (45 C.F.R.  301.10, 15, 302.56) Enforcement activities include but are not limited to locating non-custodial parents, establishng paternity, and enforcing the suport obligations determined by a court.

FEDERAL FUNDING INVOLVED:
1. The amount of federal funding a state receives varies by year, depending in part on the state's child support collections and expenditures for program administrtion.
2. Were the state to be out of compliance with federal requirements regarding chld support enforcement, a period of appeal and review could ensue.  Ultimately, partial or complete loss of federal child support enforecement funding could result.

Federal law also requires the state to operate a child support enforcement program under an approved state plan in order to be eligible for federal funding for Tamporary Assistance for Needy Families (42 U.S.C. 602. (a) (2)_  

This is all I could find on the subject

[patton]

A state's share of the incentive pool will be based in each fiscal year on its performance for the five measures. The performance pool for FY 2000-FY 2008 is as follows:
FY 2000--$422 million
FY 2001--$429 million
FY 2002--$450 million
FY 2003--$461 million
FY 2004--$454 million
FY 2005--$446 million
FY 2006--$458 million
FY 2007--$471 million
FY 2008--$483 million

[Astro]

Thanks for the advice--I will definitely keep it in mind!  As of tonight I'm officially a "single" dad--a big change in mindset from yesterday.

And--yes I have my instructor's license--in fact I have my ATP, CFI, CFII, and MEI --  BUT  -- I am in Wyoming.  If, however, you ever pass through these parts I just might be able to arrange a ride. :)

[Astro]

lol--Thanks again!