Questions about mediation and things to come

[shawneetears]

Hi all,

I am not exactly a newbie but it's been so long I was deleated :o...lol  anyway, I have some questions.  BF is heading into the custody arena (ok ok no lectures on waiting till all the dust has settled...besides too late now).  
 
Well, 2 wks ago BF got papers for custody....all it says is BM is a fit parent and wants custody and child support....that's all...the totality of the complaint.  A lawyer is out of the question with all wanting a retainer of 2500 to even write an answer (does no one work by the hour any more?)  He also got notice of mediation orientation...held the day before thanksgiving no less.
So he has to take off for that day...but because of his work, he won't get paid for thanksgiving or that friday  so he has ended up missing 3 days from work...Yikes!.... ok fine...we all deal with BS from time to time right..  Only he gets there and she doesn't show...and then he finds out that they have rescheduled it anyway and she has known this for almost 2 weeks...and neither did he get word from her(not that that was expected) nor the court.
In the mean time, she will not answer the phone, nor let him see the children.... her attorney is directing her to do this..  
A new mediation orientation has been set for Dec 8...meaning another missed day and the answer has to be filed by the following Monday.

So, what is this mediation about....is it binding? I just dont' know alot about it as our county just started doing this last year. (yeah seriously behind the times)

It really stinks, origionally he wasn't going to fight custody nor the support stated by the guidelines... he wanted to save the children any grief of ending up in court (she's the type that would want them there)  But he's a good dad and has as much right to care for his children as she does and it is becoming obvious that unless he fights she will work to destroy their relationship.

So please, opinions, suggestions, anything......  I want him to have the best chance he can have and unless some kind soul wants to do some probono work (sure) I need all the advise I can get.

Wish you all the best that life has to offer.    :)

[wendl]

IN many cases mediation will not work unless both parents are willing to work together and agree on new visitation etc. So basically if the two of them cannot decided anything then they will still end up going to court.

Your dh does NOT have to agree to anything he doesn't want to during mediation. Don't let her attorney (if she has one) make dh feel he must settle for less than what he wants, dh should try to meet in the middle, if bm still won't agree then have dh stand his ground. HE doesn't have to sign anything that day if he doesn't want to.

This is what I have heard from others, I know my dh had gone thru mediation a few time and it was a waste of time and money and him and bm could never agree on anything.

Good luck.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[lookinnomore]

I don't see where your from, I am in Virginia, and got very much the same court order, she started her home was more suitable and requested custody and modify support.

My BF went to mediation, it went no where.  How do you mediate custody when you both want it?    Actually if I remember correctly after talking to the kids mother she (mediation lady)  cancelled his appointment, and he never went at all.  I would call the mediation person and ask about why no one notified that it was cancelled and be sure when the next appointment is.  

As for NO attorney, I would call around and try to beg borrow or steal that retainer, hate to say it, but if she has one you NEED one.  

If Dad has custody, the way I understand it,  unless something bad is going on in your home, the kids will stay with who ever has them.  Has to be a change of circumstances to warrant a change of custody.  Now that is in my state, so yours could be different.

Try NOT to panick YET, one thing is for certain, custody battles are a LONG HARD road on EVERYONE involved.

GOOD LUCK!

[shawneetears]

Wendl,

That is pretty much what I had thought.  He is to talk to an attorney Mon.  It is getting apparent that she is going to try to be spiteful and basically give him a hard time.
It is really sad, he is reasonable and wants what is best for the kids (obviously with two loving parents what is best is both parents) but if she is playing games alread then it bodes ill for the harmony of the immediate future.
But maybe she will have a sudden epiphany and ....lol yeah I'm dreaming again (sigh)
Have spend a good deal of time today making up a master list for the property settlement and also so attorney can get her to stop giving things away or selling them.... so I'm a little brain fried right now.
Thanks again.

Wish you the very best life has to offer! :)

[shawneetears]

We are in NC (howdy neighbor)!
Unfortunately this is going to be from the top....  he left (automatically makes him the bad guy)  and at first things had been amicable, he could see the kids pretty much when he wanted.  He wasn't in any kind of position for overnights as he lived with another guy and has two little (then 2 & 5) girls.....  Bm got wind there was someone new in the picture and guess she kinda wigged out.
I won't defend or acuse anyone....every one has their part to play in the whole thing...I was a late commer to the picture and got in deeper than I had planned before I realized it....so what is done is done....  The marraige was over long ago he just hadn't left....(these words came straight from BM's mouth) but something about adding new players seems to rile folks up -been trying to prepare him for when the shoe is on the other foot.
Anyway, I would be surprised of the mediation is successful. BF is willing to work with her...but doubtful of the reverse..so we are preparing for the worst.
As for the attorney...we are working on that.... begging failed, borrowing is out of the question and we wont' discuss the other (smiling) but he's going to sacrifice somethings that are very important to him (which is I am sure what she wanted all along-and that is not simply being snide or bitter)  the question is going to be whether or not we can pull it off in time.  BF says this attorney will agree to work by the hour as long as he gets biweekly installments....but at 200/hr (gulp)  still, may be our only chance at present.

Thanks for the imput!

Wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

First off, Good Luck to you guys.  I am into my sixth year of a custody battle.  I have been involved with mediation twice.  First mediator was an MFT and saw the kids as well as us.  This was right after separation then for three years until first custody eval.  It was helpful that she a) also saw and talked to the kids and b) was a mental health professional.  The latter added awhole different dimention to the experience.  At first DH would not agree to anything but with some therapeutic techniques during the mediation we had reached a very good agreement and the kids were able to voice their concerns and get what they wanted and needed a fair amount to the time.

The second experience was not as fruitful.  I caught this mediator in a lie right at the first session.  So trust was never established.  Second of all, I was the more willing party to negotiate.  Her sole technique was to get me to bend even more than I was willing to bend.  Fortunately for me by this point in the game I had become pretty savy about both BD's tricks and the way the system works so I really didn't get sucked into anything but nothing was accomplished either.  I was able to accomplish one of my big goals but I still had to go to court to get it.

Here in PA a mediator can only say that the parties could not reach an agreement.  Other than that anything that goes on is private.  IMHO I think this is wrong.  I think if one party fail to compromise or is found to be lying or not acting in the children's best interest I think there should be a report by the mediaor and a penalty.  More medaition would be successful if it had some teeth.  This would result in fewer issues going to court.

Your BF should go in knowing eaxctly what he wants and what compromises he is willing to make.  Then he needs to stick to his guns.  The main advantages to mediation is that it gives the parties some control over the outvome.  We all know going in front of a judge is a crap shoot at best. And it is way cheaper than a court hearing.  However, it is stressful.  And there is no gaurantee of getting an agreement.  Make sure any thing that is areed upon is made a court order otherwise your mediation is not worth the paper it is printed on.

[lookinnomore]

Wow, seem to be living parrell lives lol-- he left too, things seemed amicable until another party became involved.  Their were four kids,  when the new party came on the scene.  The extra money (aside from the agreed child support stopped!)  Then it got UGLY, she wanted to drag him back to court at which time it became known 2 of the 4 children she was seeking support for weren't his.  OUCH, when it came out in court that they were NOT his, she gave us his two, as she couldn't afford to support all four off 900 bucks in child support.

Four years later, with little interest in their lives, she is married and now wants them back....... OUCH, moms are grand in the courts eyes, in some cases can do NO wrong which is really hard on fathers.

I agree with the next posting, when/if you go to mediation, go in with a list of what you want in the way of visitation, what your prepared to give in the way of child support.  You should be able to look online at a childsupport guideline and know about what he is obligated too off both their incomes.  It could actually work out.  

I take it mom has custody, so ask for the standard every other weekend, maybe even one night a week for dinner, use that as the bargining chip, the one night a week.  Most states standard order is every other weekend.  

One bad thing, if you two aren't married, you can't go with him, which sucks cause behind every good man is yep a woman lol.  

I wish you luck, one thing I have found is talking here helps take some of the stress and pressure off.  Keep writting.

Where in NC?  Used to live in Greensboro.

[shawneetears]

Yes, unfortunately, when another party enters the picture things seem to get  more complicated.... and it doesn't seem to have much bearing on when that happens.  There is no way for me to let her know and no way she would believe my views on the children....  I am not their mother and they have two good parents so let them be the parents.  Teacher, friend, advisor, mentor...those things I can be.  I dont' want to take her place and am not encouraging him to take the children when I know that (at least for now) it is in their best interests to be with her most of the time.  I just don't want to see him (and in the long run, US) screwed over. Most of all, I want what is best for the children.
Actually I think we are right on track...have a full list of things, tried to address all issues we could think of that we want address and a seperate list of things she might address and how to respond.
No, we aren't married (yet) and wont' be when it's time for court but we have made arrangements that I won't be there at night when the kids are there....it's one of those things that if she doesn't mention it we wont' either.  He really isn't asking for anything extraordinary, just standard visitation and a say in the children's lives.  
Child support will likely be based on the quidelines which comes to about 400 a month.  She should do quite well as she make half again more than he does and has no child care costs.   A quick estimate is about 40% of pretax income and they have to leave you with about 800 to live off of each month. (that is according to the guidelines) and at 400 he'll barely have that.
I have another question....who goes to the mediation? Is she going to have her lawyer there?  I am certain I can't be there and I don't really want to be; this is something they must work out, all I can do is support him from the side lines and offer advise and comfort. Besides....I made all the notes so I'll be there with him in spirit.
He is going to be going back to school beginning in January so standard visitation EOWE and half of holidays and summer is fine.  There really isn't any quarrel but from what I have seen out of her so far, she might well pick a fight just to fight, if you know what I mean.  He won't budge on the joint legal custody but if she argues for sole then perhaps he should initially counter with shared ...then they can both compromise.
We are south of Wilmington on the coast :)


wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[lookinnomore]

I did not get to go into mediation either as we are not married.  But from what I have gathered its simple a third party trying to help you reach some sort of compromise to make everyone happy without wasting the courts time.  Sounds like it could work for you guys!

Id ask for joint can't hurt to ask.