When is brainwashing not PAS

[backwardsbike]

Hi,

I had a custody evaluation last summer. Judge granted it becuase I said I suspected PAS.  The ex told the eval. that my kids were scared to death of DH and that there were numerous times the kids told him they found empty beer bottles around our home.  

My Dh is a recovering alcoholic and has bi ploar disorder.  He did relapse the January before the eval.  He was hospitlized for five days and has been fine ever since.  On the day of his relapse and hospitalization I called my attorney for advice as he was refusing to leave the home and as we have two small children I ddin't want him around but wanted him to be safe.  Atorney suggested I get a PFA.  I called the police for assistance as I didn't know what DH might do if I tried to leave our home with the kids as he had tried to hang up the phone while I was talking on it that morning.I called the police and got the PFA because my DH was obviously impaired and I was taking no chances.  The police report states the DH was cooperative and left the home with them without any violence whatso ever.  The children were completely unaware of this incident.

DH spent the five days in the hospital.  We had a hearing and on DH's own suggestion we kept the PFA in force for 18 months with a clause that if he drank again he would be sent to jail for six months.

He has been doing well since this time.  And is emotionally stable.  He participates in weekly therapy and this therapist spoke to the evaluator.  What she said did not appear in the report.  Nothing that our family therapist said appeared in the report either.  Both therapists had only positive things to say.  Both admitted Dh struggled with very adverse things in his history but currently is doing very well.  He has a postive relationship with the kids who are NC and our own two children who live with us full time.  He was the care taker for these kids ( Son 5 and Daughter 2) while I worked with no difficulties.  I am apsychiatric nurse and am considered to be very knowledgable about DH's condition adnthe therapists feel I am capable of analyzing and handleing any situation which may arise.

Kids lied to the evaluator about the beer bottles they saw around our home.  They lied to eval about being afraid of Dh.  Evaluator did a home study and said in report that these kids are NOT afraid of DH.  But he also said he didn't think they are alienated.

Evaluation wrapped up in August with eval. recommending kids stay where they were( with dad except for EOW and half of summer).  In Novemeber son was diagnosed with depression due to parents relaionship by MD.  No meds perscribed.  In school grade are falling.  Had been an A-B student last year.  Now getting mostly C's and failing one course each semester at the mid term then pulling grade up to "c".  Nothing in Algebra for past two weeks but F's.  Not doing homework which never happened before.

Since ex found out we were having the eval PAS stuff has increased.  Kids will not talk to me on the phone while not in my custody. They claim  they dislike the fact that I send them cards when it isn't a holiday. In short I am to have no contact with them unless it is my weekend of custody.  If we all go somewhere they ignore me.  Yet when they are here everything is fine.  

We went thru a period of time when dd was stealing things here over the summer.  It has since stopped and the siblings who always got along well went through their own upheaval over the summer but that stopped as soon as the eval was over.

Kids admitted they withheld info from the evaluator that was about PAS.  They kept back the fact that sm dumps their dresser drawers out on the floor if she feels like it.  They say they get in trouble if they talk about their sibs too much or too often( in a positive way).  They can't talk on the phone to me because it gives SM a migraine.  SM and dad question them about visits and then frame every detail for them so it looks like we are horrible people.  This is all still continuing according to the kids.

Father supposedly knew about the beer bottles found around my property for months before the eval but never told me.  The kids never told the family counselor either.  Father and I had mediation no fewer than four times but he never brought it up there either.  Evaluator bought the whole story because " these kids would never lie".

Father always attempts to get school to not communicate with me.  He succeeds an overwhelming amount of the time.  He told a clinic that I was not entitled to my kids medical info. I had to take a copy of the court order down to the clinic and they still had to check with their legal dept for me to find out the name of the medication my daughter was allergic to and the new med they put her on.

Father brings kids to custody confreneces all the time.  They have never spoken to the judge! He let them read the custody eval.  He lets them read court papers and then  "interprets" for them .  When we've been in court which is all the time he askes them, " DO you want to know what happened in court today?"  Son admits he doesn't want to kn ow but cannot tell dad to let him out of it.

Father informs me of nothing.  He neglects to get the children routine medical care and when they need special care he ordered me to get it even thought the condition had been present for five days on his time.  He actually called me at 11:45pm the night before I was to get custody to tell me about it and order me to make doctor appointments and inform him of when they were as he didn't trust me to handle it or to give him the information!  He knew we had scheduled our vacation and were planning to leave that next morning.  Daughter is two years over due for visit with her allergist.  Doc called in a refill and called me saying they needed to see her.  This was six weeks ago.  I refered the doc to Cp and the appoinment still has not been made.  We were told in Novemeber that DD neeeds braces we went to the orthododnist and found out the cost now ex refuses to start the treament or to discuss it with me.  I have emailed twice and the orthodonisdt called me and I refered him to CP.  Orthodontist called CP but he didn't give them an answer either.

What on earth can I do?  I feel my kids are suffering.  PAS or not I feel my relationship with the kids is suffereing.  I am being kept out of their lives in every possible way.  The only reason is that my DH has a mental illness, a five year old criminal record and was hospitalized a year ago.  So that justifies my ex cutting me out of the kids lives?

I would apprecaite any input anyone has.  My attorney tells me it is useless to do anything because the judge "doesn't like people like" my Dh.  Do I loose all rights because the judge doesn't like my DH?  

[MixedBag]

PAS is when the kids are totally disrespectful towards you (cussing at you) IF they even talk to you at all.

As long as they are talking and coming.....it's not PAS, it's just plain and simple mind games.  Doesn't make it right though....

[backwardsbike]

I guess the point I'm trying badly to make is that the mnd games may lead to PAS.  And my kids are being hurt by it.  Surely they must think it is easier to just walk away from mom than to endure all this stuff.  They have already said that they lied to the eval because it is easier to hurt mom than dad.  And that they were sure mom would still love them even if they lied.

Isn't that the person who should be raising the kids?