at my last straw

[eeastridge]

I am 28 years old with a 9 year old daughter. A year after my high school graduation I got pregnant. Her father and I stayed together for 4 years but never married. 2 years into the relationship he became physically and mentally abusive to me. I filed an injunction for domestic violence, went to court and represented myself. Scared to death, I dropped all charges and ended up back with him. 2 years later, the violence got worse. He tried to kill me by strangulation and tried to kill himself with shards of glass. He was baker acted and I finally left him. He never was abusive to our daughter so we verbally agreed on joint custody, she stayed with him on the weekends and he paid for child care. Until last year he started dropping her off more and stopped paying child care. This was fine with me until she started telling me many disturbing things. First she said that an adult couple was moving into her bedroom and is sharing her bunk bed. Next she was left unsupervised in the back yard trying to break up a pit-bull dog fight and was covered in blood. Then she told me he leaves her with strangers to go to his friend's house to drop off "smoke". Finally she told me her dad made her urinate in a cup. Come to find out he just got arrested for marijuana, burglary and driving on a suspended license. I assumed he was using her urine to pass a drug test!! I was livid! I confronted him he said she is lying. After some time I got it out of him that his girlfriend took her urine and he didn't know anything about it until now. His girlfriend had just been arrested for cocaine and prostitution. But my daughter said nothing about the girl she said "My dad took my pee and told me not to tell you" I had no money to hire an attorney so I called abuse hotlines, the police, DCF, child protective services and everyone said they had never heard of such a thing and didn't know if anything is illegal about it. And being that we were never married and never filed for custody I was left with unanswered questions. I refused to let him see her until he could admit what he has done and until he could provide a safe environment for her. His sister told me he has a $300 a day drug addition, so I continue to avoid his harassing calls, calling sometimes 30 times a day. He came to my home without my permission and harassed me. I filed another domestic violence injunction. I represented myself again and the judge ordered a No Trespassing Warrant and ordered a drug test. He passed!! Then his attorney ordered paternity and the case was dismissed. I didn't think to ask for temporary custody because I figured I'm the mother I have the rights. But sadly I don't. Days after, he takes her out of school. I explained the situation to the school and they said with out a court order he can take her whenever he wants to. I called the police and they said he has done nothing illegal. I finally got lucky and ran into an old friend that is an attorney. We got some paperwork drawn up and countered several times until we finally agreed to standard visitation and he'd pay minimum child support. I followed the agreement assuming it was active. A couple of months go by and I never received a signed agreement from him. Shortly after a different girlfriend of his (with a rap sheet of cocaine and prostitution) came by my house unannounced asking if she could take my daughter to dinner the next day. I was cordial to her only because I was caught off guard. I called her father and said she can go to dinner only of he signs the paperwork. He said he will never sign it until he gets her every weekend like he used to. I called my attorney and found out his attorney dropped the case and has turned it into the BAR and couldn't say why. Now I am waiting and hoping nothing happens. In the mean time I'm worried he will take her again and if I keep her from him I'm scared of what he may do. He is very verbally abusive to me and threatens me to watch my back. I feel he is a sociopath and I know he's on drugs and sells them. I can't do anything to protect my daughter without documentation of custody. I have been to women's resource centers and am only left with brochures and numbers to call that I've called before. I am at my last straw.

[wendl]

Do you have any family that you two can stay with. If he is truely into drugs I wouldn't allow my child around him without supervision.

How come your attorney never filed the court papers for the visitaiton with the courts, sounds kind of fishy to me.

Usually you file, the papers, serve the other parent and show for court for the hearing then the judge decides, sometimes a little more complicated than that but that is the jist of how it usually goes.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[eeastridge]

Thank you for your response. My family lives far from me and since all this has happened it has been hard for met to open up and trust anyone. Your opinions are very much appreciated.

My attorney isn't local so he doesn't know all the laws here. I have to do most of the research. Where he's from an unwed mother is the primary residential custodian.

When I filed for the injunction his attorney filed paternity and set a court date for custody.  I didn't allow him to see her until the judge dismissed the injunction. We tried meditation and the attorneys drew up the paperwork, we went back and forth. I finally signed an agreement (standard visitation – minimum support). I just wanted something in writing and then we would go from there. 3 months went by and I never received the signed paperwork. But we have followed through during the 3 months as if the paperwork was signed. (He has had her every other weekend, but has not paid child support.)

He denies everything and will not sign until I agree to joint custody. And now that his attorney dropped his case, I am waiting for a hearing. This weekend is his turn to have her. I'm afraid if I keep her from him again something bad will happen.

[VAStepmom]

If there is no custody order on file with the courts, then he is just as entitled to your daughter as you are.  Therefore, if he gets her, he can take her.  If I were you, he would not see her until there was a reasonable order in place with consequences for contempt.  You have a responsibility to keep her safe and she doesn't sound safe with him as the situation stands.    

[VAStepmom]

I would go to court and file motions to determine custody, support and visitation.  You don't have to have him with you to do this.  This shows that you are attempting to do the right thing, not just keeping your daughter from her dad to be difficult.  He will get served and will be made aware of a court date of when this is all to be set up.  Once you have specific orders in place stating WHO has what kind of custody, WHEN visitation is, and HOW much support is to be paid, then you'll have something to work with as well as something to hold him to.  I would do this, like yesterday. =)