Borderline personality Disorder (BPD) NCM

[pennyrwalker]

I need some input please! My 10y/o stepdaughter said her mom keeps asking when she is going to come live with her. 10y/o keeps saying"I don't know".  She doesn't want to live with mom but says she is afraid BPD mom will think she doesn't love her and will get "really mad."

How do we help 10y/o feel strong enough to tell BPD mom what she really wants? We are afraid she will give in and go live with mom just to keep her happy! Therapist just says to keep talking to 10y/o about mom's disorder and maybe she will be stronger in a year and a half when she can decide where to live.   HELP!

[onedaddy]

What is your custody agreement?  Why give her that choice? IMO she is just to young to be making the decision to choose between either parent.  Can't you make the decision for her and let that be her answer to her mother.

Your lucky your BM's disorder is out in the open in our case she was diagnosed by the forensics evaluator and noone is allowed to have his report except the lawyers and the judge.  BM is constantly twisting our words around to make DH look like a terrible father.  The lawyers and the GAL have pretty much caught on but the kids are confused.  Daddy's bad for signing her up for softball because mommy says girls don't do that and he shouldn't be pushing her to try new things etc., etc., etc. and their counselor is of little help.

[pennyrwalker]

Our custdy agreement says that my husband has primary domicile of child, visits with mom are every other week from Wed 3pm-Mon 8am. She live less than a mile from us!! The mom's BPD has only been "diagnosed" through the child's therapist based on conversations with the mother and statements from the child in therapy. No one has dared to say anything to the mom! We live in TX and at 12 the child can decide where to live unless we really fight and prove a reason it is not good.  We have the same problems with lawyers and others believing theBPD mom and making us especially me, the evil step-mom, look like we are non-cooperative. BPD mom never attends any sport event or cheer avtivities even made child feel guilty enought to sit out of cheer this year! She sends nasty letter saying she is quite capable of taking her to games, etc then doesn't. Doesn't show up, etc.  We are just happy when we get a call to come pick her up for the event because at least the child isn't missing it! Child told me the other day BPD mom asks her every visit when she  is coming to live ther and she says she doesn't think she is ever going to be strong enough to tell her she wants things to stay as they are!

[onedaddy]

Penny, I feel for you.  In our case, we are the NCP and in the middle of an UGLY custody battle where BM and SF makes both kids 5 and 8 tell everyone they are afraid of us and don't want to spend time with their father.  They say we punish them all the time, I starve them, etc. all lies. But when mom drives away after drop off they hug and kiss us

[pennyrwalker]

That sounds eerily familiar! BPDmom tells everyone that I am evil step-mom, mean to kids, they hate me, hate our home, etc.  Our home is happy(except for the h*ll she puts us through). Hopefully we will all survive this!

[patton]

I would also like to make comment on this.  My SIL's sister does not have custody of her son, the father has since he was about 3 years old. Both parties are similar in income, both married, etc. etc.  In other words they are about even....BUT Mom's home is rather "slack" in the rules area and father's home you obey the rules.  Child has petitioned the court and the Judge would NOT approve it.  

Another thing I've heard also, is that you should NEVER coach your child on what to say to the Judge if they are really adament about moving.  It should be in their own words, (not the parent).

Ultimately it is the decision of the Court or Judge. Not the parent or child's decision.



§ 153.008.  CHILD'S PREFERENCE OF PERSON TO DESIGNATE
RESIDENCE.  A child 12 years of age or older may file with the court
in writing the name of the person who is the child's preference to
have the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the
child, subject to the approval of the court.

Added by Acts 1995, 74th Leg., ch. 20, § 1, eff. April 20, 1995.  
Amended by Acts 1999, 76th Leg., ch. 1390, § 12, eff. Sept. 1,
1999;  Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 1289, § 1, eff. Sept. 1, 2001;  
Acts 2003, 78th Leg., ch. 1036, § 5, eff. Sept. 1, 2003.


   § 153.009.  INTERVIEW OF CHILD IN CHAMBERS.  (a)  In a
nonjury trial the court may interview the child in chambers to
determine the child's wishes as to conservatorship.
   (b)  When the issue of managing conservatorship is
contested, on the application of a party, the court shall interview
a child 12 years of age or older and may interview a child under 12
years of age.  Interviewing a child does not diminish the discretion
of the court.
   (c)  The court may permit the attorney for a party or the
attorney ad litem for the child to be present at the interview.
   (d)  On the motion of a party or on the court's own motion,
the court shall cause a record of the interview to be made when the
child is 12 years of age or older.  A record of the interview shall
be part of the record in the case.

Added by Acts 1995, 74th Leg., ch. 20, § 1, eff. April 20, 1995.  
Amended by Acts 1997, 75th Leg., ch. 781, § 1, eff. Sept. 1,
1997;  Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 1289, § 2, eff. Sept. 1, 2001.

[Troubledmom]

An affidavit of choice of managing conservator  has to be filed by or on behalf of the child through the court. Courts in Texas are not bound by this choice, and few courts will ratify the child's decision without undertaking some independent examination of the underlying facts of the case.

The parent in whose favor the affidavit is executed is likely to have put the child up to signing the document and the courts are aware of this. They take into consideration the fact that the child may not have done this of their own volition and if the Judge is worth anything (s)he will take the child into closed chambers to talk to the child about the situation.

Best Interest of the child standards are what are used in deciding the change in possesory conservator. Texas has some guidelines which are unoffically used:
1) the desires of the child;

2) the emotional and physical needs of the child now and in the future;

3) the emotional and physical danger to the child now and in the future;

4) the parental abilities of the individuals seeking custody;

5) the programs available to assist these individuals to promote the best interest of the child;

6) the plans for the child by these individuals or by the agency seeking custody;

7) the stability of the home or proposed placement;

8) the acts or omissions of the parent which may indicate that the existing parent-child relationship is not a proper one; and

9) any excuse for the acts or omissions of the parent.

I would, in your situation, ensure that the child's therapist goes on record stating the effect that Mom's untreated mental health issues have on the child. Although I would caution a specific diagnoses of a mental health condition, as most therapists lack the qualifications to make diagnoses. The determination that the emotional/psychological health of the child is at risk with mom as conservator is probably all you would need to stop a change.

TM

[pennyrwalker]

Thanks for the input. I feel certain the therapist will do whatever is needed. Hopefully we won't have to go to court. I just talked to my stepdaughter(she is at BPD mom's) and the mom had to go to ER because she was "dizzy and her face was numb" of course this has my stepdaughter upset , always something happening there.

[Lawmoe]

Children should never be put in the middle like that. You should file a Motion to make sure that the other parent's inquiries in that regard stop.