Father making false accusations to gain custody

[valencourt]

After going through a pregnancy by myself and trying to get my son's dad to be involved, paternity and child support/custody was finally established when my son was 9 months old.  Since then, he was so mad about having to pay the amount of child support he has to pay, he has been trying to get custody.  He has even called CPS and told them that my house is  not fit to live in.  CPS decided that was not the case and after our last court date for the final order his dad said that he was going to keep calling CPS until he got custody.  My house is virtually spotless and it is obvious he is doing it for spite.  Is there anything I can do?  I called him Saturday to ask if he wanted to see him Easter morning.  I ended up talking to his girlfriend, which by the way is the 3rd woman he has lived with since we broke up in August of '03.  She said they couldn't because they were going out of town and I just wanted to let them know they could see him for a bit if they wanted to.  I told them I know how I would feel if I didn't have custody, I would want to see him so I thought I would offer.  He called me back yelling at me wanting to know why I called and said that.  Anytime I try to be nice, he turns it back on me like I am bad.  Then he sent me a text message saying "That's ok, you have custody temporarily"  I saved the message because now anything he does, I have proof that it is not because he has our son's best interest at heart.  Do you have any advice on what I can do to stop the false accusations with CPS and to stop the constant threats about custody?

[MYSONSDAD]

Have you thought of working up a parenting plan that would work for both of you? Making a genuine effort to work on what is best for your son may stop alot of hostility.

If you should decide to try this, write it as though you were the NCP.

There are several parenting plans in the archives, just go into the search engine. I took the best of three different plans and combined them to what I felt was very fair. Total 50/50.

"Children learn what they live"

[Lawmoe]

You cannot prevent false allegations. All you can do is prove them woronmg. Enough false allegations have a way of backfiring on the person making them, particularly in family court.

Document the threats as you have been

[valencourt]

Actually I have suggested things like that but he says that I won't have custody long enough so it doesn't matter.  I tell him that it needs to be about our son, not about us.  I invited him to his birthday party and even offered to let him see him Easter morning.  Both times he refused and found something about both offers to yell at me about.  I have told him repeatedly that he can have our son anytime he wants and that the standard visitation is only a safety net for him.  He doesn't take advantage of that though... he sends his girlfriend to pick him up and then I have to go and get him on Sunday.  We say about 3 words to each other and I leave, then he usually calls when I am on my way home trying to start another argument.

[CustodyIQ]

You mentioned that you have a "final order" that was determined at the last court hearing.

It's going to take quite a bit of evidence to modify those final orders.

I strongly suggest to you that you NOT play Ms. Niceguy until the time that the father can act in a civil manner.

Until that happens, it is to your benefit to follow the court orders precisely.  This will reduce opportunities for conflict and chaos.

If what you're saying is true, the father is a bully.  Trying to placate bullies is not what resolves the bullying... it only rewards them.

I would recommend that you maintain minimal contact with the father (i.e., only as needed per court orders), and you develop an often repeated phrase of, "When you're able to act in a civil and cooperative manner, we can likely discuss an arrangement that's different from court orders.  However, I won't tolerate nor deal with inappropriate behavior."

In my own case, I had something like that sentence that I often used in correspondence.  On the phone, it was more like, "If you're not able to talk in a civil tone with me, I'll need to hang up."

On the phone, at first that would only enrage her more.  So I'd hang up as soon as she started ranting again.  Later on, whenever I said that, she'd calm down a bit.

In terms of the false allegations (but it sounds like it's only happened once so far, right?), just document them.  If he keeps doing it, and if the allegations are repeated concluded as unfounded, it will likely eliminate any chance of him getting custody.

If you face a specific allegation of abuse or molestation, you may want to immediately take a polygraph and give results (i.e., of passing a polygraph) to the investigating agency, which may shorten or end an investigation.

Good luck.  Just stay focused on your son, do what's best for him, and let the father dig his own hole.

[valencourt]

Thank you so much... you put things in perspective for me again.  That is the way things were with my older two son's dad.  Usually when my youngests father yells at me, I tell him that I don't have to listen to that and he can call when he wants to "talk" about things and I hang up.  You are so right though... by me being that nice, he thinks he can run over me.  I need to stop and stick to the order only and do everything by that order.

As for the allegations... he called CPS once and they found nothing.  Now his new thing is he is saying that my son is always sick when he picks him up.  My son has allergies and will often have an ear infection or a runny nose.  I offered to let him go to the next doctor appointment with me so he could hear it from the horses mouth, but of course he doesn't have time to.  He is also trying to do something about my boyfriend moving in with me.  He tried to say that the order states that I am not to live with anyone.... I asked him to show me where it said that but he could produce nothing.  I have the same order and know exactly what it says... the court does not expect you to stay single the rest of your life or until the kids turn 18.  He is a good man and is very good to me and my children.  He also says that he has a private investigator watching us... so I'm not sure how long this can or will go on, but it feels like something straight out of a Lifetime movie.

[valencourt]

Thank you... I plan on keeping all messages.  I am going to start keeping a journal too.  I had one that I started when I was pregnant, I will just keep adding to it.  I have a question though... your screen name is "law"moe.... are you an attorney?

[Lawmoe]

Yes.

[valencourt]

I know you probably don't like being approached with questions.  That would be like someone finding out that I'm in IT and just asking me to fix their computer for free.  If you don't mind just hearing the history with this issue, please email me at [email protected], if not I completely understand and I appreciate your input so far.

[Lawmoe]

I am afraid that I am licensed only in Minnesota and Wisconsin. As a result, I cannot assist you outside of those states. If you are in one of those states, you can visit my web sites:

For Wisconsin http://www.wisconsindivorcelawyers.com
For Minnesota http://www.divorceprofessionals.com

For anywhere else, we are slowly developing http://www.divorceinstitute.com