Help with seperation and my rights as a father please!

[dwallin82]

My wife and I are seperating in a few days.  We have talked about divorce but for now she is saying that it is just a seperation and "we will see what happens".  She claims to have lost her feelings for me and says she has feelings for another man.  I live in Iowa and she is leaving and moving in with her parents in Illinois.  My question to you all is do you think that I need to go with my wife to a lawyer to have a temporary custody agreement writen up so that I don't lose out on any of my parental rights by allowing her to move my child out of state.  I know that if we were not married that this would be the cource of action that I would have to take but I was wondering if it was any different because we are married and not going through the divorce proceedings at this point.  Right now we are handeling everything very agreeingly but I know those things can change and I don't want her to be able to have the upper hand because I didn't cross my t's and dot my i's.

Thank you very much for your informed advice!

[Kitty C.]

First of all, how old is the child and, more importantly, is the child in school?  Because if the child is in school, you really need to file a petition with the court (possibly for an emergency hearing to at least keep her from taking the child out of the school district) for custody.  I know you said that it's been 'agreeable' so far, but it's also ONLY verbal, which doesn't mean squat and she can go back on that at any time.

This is an old trick to lull you.....make you think there's a possibility that there's a chance to get back together, but once she takes the child to IL and is there for 6 months, she can petition for custody there and force YOU to go there for court because she's established the residency requirement for the child.

You've got to file NOW to keep her from taking the child out of state, even if it's only across the river.  BTW, what part of IA are you in?  And do you know specifically where she's going in IL?  I am in eastern IA and might have some atty. contacts if you need them.

[dwallin82]

I'm in Dubuque Ia and she is going to Elmhurst (Chicago) IL.  I don't want to get in a big custody fight and I am agreeable to her having him live with her, I just want to make sure that she doesn't screw me down the road and keep him from me.  I want to be able to see my child at least every other weekend and switching holidays.  My son is 2.5 years old so school isn't an issue yet.  Would we be alight with just a writen agreement getting everything down on paper for now and having it noterized?

[ocean]

You can do a legal separation and define the time you get child... A notorized letter is not going to do you any good in court..it is not enforceable. Once child is there 6 months you will be dealing with her state. Look on this site for visitation schedules and do not let her leave until you have one in place. What will happen when child is in school? vacations? birthdays? summers? Once you agree to something in court , that is it. Very hard to change so you need to get this done now. Once she is gone you will be on her terms unless you have court documents. You can file by you tomorrow and then have her come back to get it in writing? Or legal separate can be done in a day if you are both willing to sign? Or let her leave and you are at her will and mood of when you see the child. You have the upper hand now because she would not be allowed to leave with child if you fought it so you that to have her agree to something with a lawyer that can be filed with the courts...(if you both agree ...you may not even need a court date just the two of you go this week and have them draw up papers and sign..)
Good luck

[Davy]

The very best you can do for your child and yourself at this very moment is to get your wife to submit to the Ia jurisdiction with a legal filing even if it is has to be a divorce petition.  Once in the out of state jurisdiction (especially Illinois and more particularly northern Illinois) your wife can cause you serious financial expenses over and above the normal costs of divorce and custody issues.  Do not expect compliance with visitation orders or any court order.   

It is crystal clear that Iowa currently has jurisdiction over ALL family members and will remain/maintain jurisdiction as long as you remain a resident of Iowa AND/OR you have a legal filing before your wife and child has established residency in another state jurisdiction for six months.  Refer to the UCCJA and PKPA on this site; etc.

DO NOT SUBMIT YOURSELF to the jurisdiction of the Illinois courts on any issue.

You and your child will do much better if you are being viewed as the left-behind parent by the Iowa courts rather than an out-of-state parent by the Illinois courts.

Illinois is not known for following the written legal statues which means there may be attempts to gain immediate jurisdiction over you and your child.  Also, Illinois legally allows bifurication which means they may/will deal issues separately over a period of time (ie divorce, custody, support, property, etc.)  Iowa like Texas may not allow bifurcation.

Moreover, you may want to give serious consideration to raising this child rather than the mother.

Hope this helps !!