So What Is Enough?

[Wishing]

Short background which is sadly similar to many Dads - nasty divorce and custody situation. I get the obligatory every other weekend and Wednesday dinners.  We have a family mediator that is ongoing.

Our oldest son has ADHD and Executive Disorder and was failing out of school (10yrs old). I had pleaded for more time and to help with homework which Mom finally agreed to. Our son goes from 2-Fs, 3-Ds and the rest Cs to current grades just released Wednesday of 4-As, 4-Bs and 2-Cs. I have held my tongue and emails to my ex despite constant lies and BS about her not helping with homework in efforts to improve upon our communications - so they mediator says.

We meet last Thursday after mediator meets with children and has said we need to re-consider. Nuts and bolts of it - things have improved greatly for our sons and our communications and we should leave things as they are. All I was asking for was for 4 more nights a month.

I don't expect any give from my ex, but the mediator to me seems incredibly biased. I ask what is it I have to do and she says things need to improve and since the boys are doing better, let's leave it alone. Two and 1/3 years of of this social engineering BS and despite improvement, nothing.

Yes my sons are healthy and doing better and I am profoundly grateful for that. But where and when is there any recognition that our sons are doing better because of the work I'm doing? When do the children get to be with their Father more? How much of their lives do I get to be pushed out of just because my ex wants it? WHAT IS ENOUGH! I am so sick of this system and the blatent bias that not only happens in the courts but with the mediators who hide behind the "best interest of the children" BS. What is in the best interest of the children to be kept away from their Dad just because Mom wants it. I am so fed up and sick of this. God help our male children if these laws persist and they get to deal with this in their lives. Sorry for the rant. I am just so fed up and sick.

[StPaulieGirl]

Wow, the improvement on the grades should be enough proof.  I'm having some trouble with my youngest's schoolwork.  It's a different situation, though.  It sounds like you and the kids live pretty close, so I don't see why more time should be a problem.  Your ex should be grateful that their grades are improving.

School is getting pretty nutty these days.  My ex is going to have to sit with our daughter on his weekends and help her with her homework.  There isn't enough time on Sunday night to do it all.

I don't have a suggestion to your problem, but I understand your frustration.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

I so feel for you. Only...I'm the NCP mom.

For 2 years I fought to get my son help which his dad refused to give consent on. Finally, he was diagnosed ADHD amongst other things. He very much mimics his dad in regards to disrespect for women, not only me, but teachers etc, as well. With med  and dose adjustments, my son was doing great. Dad said, "He doesn't need professional help, he needs to come live with ME!"

Well he got his wish. Because Dad could better CONTROL my son and (cough cough choke) had NO problems with my son either at home or at school, he got custody. The minute he did, he was off his meds, and no more Mobile Therapist. In 3 months, I've received reports of failing grades and 3 detentions, with another write-up having been received just Saturday. The next write up results in suspension. (9 years old)

(My son had not been in ANY trouble at school this year prior to having been taken off his meds.  Is this enough to get 50/50 custody back? Probably not.  Am I going to fight for it? YOU BET I AM!!! DON'T GIVE UP!!!

[Davy]

and you say "I am just so fed up and sick".

I suppose all the good parenting books might say that parenting is hard (audience is intact families) because it requires things that most of us are not good at ... Patience, Persistence and Perserverance.  The nature of your post is that you have outperformed in these parenting endeavors and I congratulate you....

... but my congratulations are NOT ENOUGH because you are understandably fed up and sick of all the gender bias BS that is NOT in the best interest of your children.  At times all we have is wishing and hoping but that is NOT ENOUGH.

Every circumstance is unique and you know all the circumstances.  I encourage you to develope and execute a plan (without ranting and raving) because THE BOYS DESERVE FOUR MORE DAYS A MONTH WITH THEIR FATHER.   Consider that the GAL is simply an employee of an  institution that is broken.  The GAL will not be anywhere around when these boys are young men but you will be.  You are far more important now and in the future than she will ever be.  I say this to encourage you
to be politely outspoken ...tell them they are bias ... no you are not leaving it alone because you are the parent (not them).  You know the best.

The bias is wide spread..the school, the churches and is never ending even with grandchildren.  I thought the bias would be tempered once I recovered the boys but in many ways it escalated among the die-hards.
As just one example, on the night of the first day of my youngest son junior year in high school his (A student) English teacher phoned demanding to only talk to his mother because he is failing (after 1 day).  When I informed her that his mother was not there but that I was his father she then wanted to know when the mother would return.  (I was polite she was snippy).  I said NEVER (5 years; different state) and asked if he would be able to bring his grade up before the end of the semester.  If she didn't calm down the next words out of my mouth would have been "I think I have a solution for this problem ... gently lay down the phone ...grab both ears ... jerk real hard ... if you're lucky your head will come right out of your a$$.  The next day I would have called (or gone to the school)  and demand this teacher be terminated for being gender bias ... and my son would not attend this teacher's class because he clearly understood that the teacher was there for the students not the students for the teacher.

Sorry so long... best of luck to you.