4 Year old step son wants to live with his father

[flewwellin]

Okay to give everyone a little history:
May 2004 BM decided to move herself and children (now 6 & 4yrs old)  500+ miles from everything they know (from NC to PA).  When asked what would she do IF one or both of the kids decide to move back down here with us will she stand in the way?  At that time she said that she wouldn't like it but she wouldn't stand in their way.

Well this year the week before Easter my 4 year old step son decides he wants to live with us.  When we call and talk to them he refuses to talk to his father because he didn't go up there to pick him up.  It is now June and hasn't changed his mind.  He still will not talk to his father.  At this age I'd originally think that he would have forgotten about it and it was probably just a bad day that he had.  3 months later and he still feels this way.  Coincidense?  I don't think so.  What should we do??
There is nothing more in this world that my husband and myself would prefer than to have primary custody of the kids.  My step son wants this as well.  Now my Step-daughter wants to stay with her mother which is fine.

My step-daughter is favored by their mother.  Reason is SD was in hospital for the first 2 months of her life.  They didn't think she was going to make it.  She had Pertussis.  So there is that bond there.  I had pointed out the favortism to my DH and since then he said he's noticed it too.  When they are disciplined SD is reprimanded with a firm "NO"
SS is grounded, sent to his room ,can't play with his toys ,and at dinner time allowed down to eat and if he doesn't want what is on the table then he goes back to his room.  Fair?  I don't think so.  This I feel is partially the reason he wants to move in with us.  on the 4th of july we get them both for our summer visitation and they don't go back until the 2nd week in august.  Any advice on how we should approach this?  We want to get custody if that is what SS wants and clearly it is.

Please give me some advice and opinions


UPDATE: Called kids last night again.  SD talked to her father for a long time last night and when DH asked to talk to his son, SD said while she was passing the phone to SS "HERE YOU TELL HIM YOU WANT TO LIVE IN NORTH CAROLINA!"  So apparently it's no secret up there either that he would prefer to live with his father.  

We plan on waiting till the kids come down for summer vaca. to see if it's just that SS misses is daddy or if its truly his wish to move.  With that determined we will approach it from there.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Sorry to be blunt, but I'm not sure what planet you live on if you believe that a 4 year old child has the authority and mental capacity to determine any serious decisions about his future.

"We want to get custody if that's what SS wants, and clearly it is."

You should be pursuing custody of this child if the FATHER truly believes it is in this child's best interest, regardless of how this preschooler feels about it.

My advice is to read some parenting books to understand and respond to any favoritism or discipline issues for the several weeks that the kids will be with you.

The situation you describe doesn't seem to warrant a change in custody, by the standards most states have.

Good luck.

[VaBeachStepmom]

You said that when the issue was discussed earlier, mom said she wouldn't stand in the way if the kids wanted to live with you.  What does mom have to say about this now?  Has she changed her mind?

[flewwellin]

First off I want to say it is my husband's idea he wants BOTH of his kids to move in with us however my SS is the only one who has voiced repeatedly that he wants this move.

And maybe i didn't make myself clear but this wouldn't be hitting the courts.  It will in the end be between their mother and father to decide.  I was just wondering out there if anyone has gone through something like this, where BM has said it would be okay and then flaked out or actually went through with it.  I know that a 4 year old doesnt' have the authority to decide where he or she wants to live.  In all actuallity unless the child is 18 they can't decide where they want to live anyway.  I have done my research.

[flewwellin]

The kids mom seems a little flaky to me.  And as of yet we haven't tried to approach the subject with her.  She is getting married on June 25th and we all are very happy for her, the kids begin their summer visitation with their father on the 4th of july.  Everyone is very excited.  She said she was going to be coming down sometime within the 5 wks that we will have the kids and will like to see them.  We agreed.  We also have thought that would be the best time to approach the subject with her.  

Do you have any opinions on how we should approach this with her??

[Sherry1]

you would have to prove blatant physical and emotional abuse.  Your chances are close to slim that you would be able to gain custody of your SS