what to do now....????

[fatherof2]

So my ex had a change of heart and did a big turn around. now she wants to be friends, and I think that's great. Here's my new issue. My GF was really supportive and was the one to push me to be friends with my ex for our daughters sake (she was right). However, I encouraged my GF to call my ex - to assure my ex that my GF wasn't trying to step on any toes etc. So she did, they talked and now, my ex is jealous. I made the mistake of telling my GF that I wished the two of them never talked b/c my ex is now jealous and the GF thinks I care way too much about what my ex thinks. I'm told my GF over and over again, that I have no feelings left for my ex, but she doesn't believe me. SHe thinks that my ex is still inlove with me (), and b/c she's admitted that she's jealous will start causing problems for us, regardless of the the turn around that my ex has had deciding to be friends. My GF thinks that this "big" turn around (as she calls it) is my ex's way of keeping me close to her to try and get back in, when according to my GF my ex had no interest in me except hatred, but as soon as my ex found out I was inlove with my GF...well you can figure out the rest. Needless to say, I have been on the phone with my ex a lot, trying to get things figured out with our daughter (visitations etc), long story short, my GF is now my ex....says she's not going to compete with my ex for my attention, and that when I have my life figured out, call. (There is so much more to this story), what the hell do I do??? I love my GF so much. I've explained to her that my ex will always be in my life - she said she understands that (she's bestfriends with her ex and father to her son - but they've also been bestfriends for 18 years), that's why she encouraged us to be friends, but she didn't expect me to be on the phone 24/7, or putting her off for my ex. I really didn't think I was doing that. WTF do I do?!?!

[Kitty C.]

It's better that you know now than to let this situation fester too long and the collateral damage it would have created.  I understand that you may love your GF, but it actually sounds like she is just as jealous as your ex.  One thing to ALWAYS keep in mind as a single father:  you and your daughter are a package deal.  And if your GF can't deal with that and all the consequences that can entail, then you don't need that complication in your life, sad to say. 

I'm glad that you were brutally honest with her..........yes, you will be in continuous contact with your ex for many years, probably even after your daughter becomes an adult.  If your GF, or any other woman you choose to welcome into your and your daughter's life, cannot deal with that, then she is not worthy of having a lasting relationship with you.  The bottom line should always be your daughter and if any significant other you might be involved with cannot deal with the relationship you must maintain with her mother, it would eventually have a detrimental effect on your daughter. 

[Davy]

Dude !!!  You're screwed !!   Now you've got 2 manipulative controlling ex-lovers flaunting the prize to over-power you. 

You might consider kicking back for a while and find some female companions that will do what they're told like show up naked, bring beer, and don't stand in front of the TV.   

[fatherof2]

Kitty,

I thuoght she was jealous too, but she's not the jealous type. She's told me that she doesn't think I'm able to combine all the relationships into one life (like she's been able too - friends with her ex, there for her children, and able to maintain a relationship with a significant other). She's narrowed it down, by telling me that as soon as I get my life straightened out, call her. However I don't want to let her go. She loves my kids, and they love her. She knows it's a package deal, as I know she is as well. I guess what it all comes down too, she erally has her s%^t together, and I don't. I want too though, so bad! She's been such a big help getting me this far! SHe's even got me into councilling (BIG help). And the bottom line....if it wasn't for my GF (ex now), my daughters mother and I wouldn't be becoming friends. The GF wasn't the detrimental one by far - quite the opposite, it was my daughter's mother. The GF doesn't understand how for a very long time I was calling my ex every name in the book, and the over night I was singing her praises. She tried to explain to me that things like that don't just happen over night and friendships with your ex take a while to build on, and I shouldn't be too trusting of my ex (considering the stunts she's pulled) immediately. Give ehr a chance to prove herself. However - and I know I do this - I have a habit of jumping too fast. Jumping too fast this time made me lose the one woman I even considered marrying. She's sooo hurt, she'll barely talk to me (as I've said - there is much more to this story - the GF has been there for me and with me through a lot and VERY supportive each and everytime, but now feels as though I've shut her out), says to give her time. I've always got my children, and my ex (good or bad), but the woman I've been looking for, the last piece of the puzzle, I know I've hurt her (many times - if truth be known), how do I help her get past this, help us get past this?

[Kitty C.]

Oh, there's IS a lot more to this than I originally thought.  You're right, she isn't jealous, but apparently she's having a difficult time understanding and/or dealing with how you deal with your ex.  So if you can see all the ways and places where you need to make changes (like you mentioned you jump too fast into situations), then make the changes you need to get her back.  Just don't make the mistake of hounding her, because the harder you push, the more she will resist and you will end up pushing her away for good. 

She's right about the 'about face' in your ex's attitude.  BT, DT, with both DS's dad and DH's ex.  And your GF has apparently been there, too.  Listen to those who have gone through it.  Change in attitude with an ex must come slowly, only for the simple issue of trust.  Your ex can sweet talk you enough to get you over a barrel and pull a power trip on you.  That may be what your GF is seeing and she obviously cares about you and your kids enough that she can't stand the thought of having to deal with the fallout of what she perceives is coming and the pain it would put you and your kids through.

She's already told you what she has a problem with, but don't confuse this:  it may sound like she's telling you what you have to do in order to continue the relationship, but that's not quite right.  What she's telling you is what she will and will not put up with and she's made a choice.  But she's given you a window, meaning there is still the possibility of a relationship if you can turn this around.

Years ago, DH and I had some serious problems, mainly his alcoholism.  It was tearing me apart.  But I knew better than to give him an ultimatum, because it had to be HIS choice whether he changed or not.  So I told him I could not live like that anymore and no one could force me to......that was MY choice.  I even moved out for 3 weeks and filed for divorce.  But he made the choice to change himself.  It hasn't been peaches and cream but it's certainly a lot better than it was and he understands now where I draw the line of what I will and will not tolerate.  He understands that it's all about choices.

So you now have a choice, too.  You can choose to learn how to deal with these issues appropriately (if you are in counseling, that's a great place to start), or you can choose do nothing and continue on as you have been.  If continuing the way you have been means that your GF is gone forever and learning new ways of dealing with your ex means there's a possibility she would come back, what will you choose?