Can I get Custody

[dtebeau]

I am in a real dilemma.  My wife has told me that after 18 years she no longer loves me and is filing for divorce.  We have been through counseling, in which, I felt that I have been the reason for all the trouble and her feelings.  Last month, however, I finally found out that my wife was having a 2.5 year affair with a previous best friend, and current neighbor.  I was completely devastated and shocked.  As I return to my senses, I started to think about what will happen as we have 3 wonderful kids.   During the ordeal, I found out that my wife went away with this man, while the three kids were at sleepovers ( I was furious as they were, 5, 7, and 9, and known to come home during these).  My wife is going through some emotional turmoil as well as my perceived mid-life crisis(she just turned 40).  She has started to go out with a new set of friends to the bar and socialize about 2-3 times a week.  My dilemma is that I don't think that this is a good situation for my three kids to experience, and I would like to get custody.  With the rules of "no-fault" and the court systems on parenting, what/how do I go about trying to make this happen, or am I living a pipe dream, here in Michigan.  Any comments would be greatly appreciated..

[4honor]

It looks as if your STBX and yourself are essentially equal fit parents. The judge is not going to care as much about the affair as he will the active social life... which is to say not much at all. If your state allows filing on the basis of adultery then do it, otherwise it should be mentioned briefly and dispassionately -- if you ignore it completely you will be seen as uncaring.

Filing first gives the nudge in your direction that you as a father will need. When you file, you are seeking a temporary order. The longer the temporary order stays in place, the less likely that the temp order will be changed.

When you file, file a parenting plan that gives set time periods of residential time/visitation to your ex. Also have a plan of any necessary child care and a phrase for first right of refusal.

in my opinion, just because a parent has been unfaithful in the marriage relationship, does not make them unfaithful in the parent-child relationship. Each parent should maximize their time with the child with an eye to 50/50 and no CS to/from either parent.

I would also suggest you have a paternity test done on all 3 kids... Cheaters generally cheat more than once. If any of the kids are not yours, you could file as their psychological parent and maintain a relationship with the child.  This will likely obligate you for child support if you do not have custody, so a private test would be best. If none of them are yours get some immediate counseling.

On a personal note, get yourself tested for STD's and for goodness sake, DONT SLEEP WITH HER anymore! You don't know how many men are trapped into MORE SUPPORT for an OOpppps baby in the pre-divorce stage.

Read the emergency articles on this site. They have hundreds of tips for surviving this with your mind and your relationship with your kids intact.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Sorry for what you're going through, how devastating it must feel to have found out about a 2 year affair.

4honor gives you all good advice.  

The paternity test isn't necessary, in my opinion, in that you're presumed to be the father of all three kids born of the marriage.  It would be idiotic of your wife to assert otherwise, since it would only hurt her, not help her.

If you have the funds, I'd encourage you to hire a private investigator immediately, perhaps even before attorney shopping.  Have the PI follow your wife.

There is no telling what sort of evidence the PI will discover:

A) nice photos of your wife and your neighbor?
B) testimony of your wife frequently drinking and driving?
C) testimony of your wife seeming to take narcotics?

Even though the affair is largely irrelevant in the child custody proceedings-- unless it resulted in child neglect-- any photos may be embarrassing enough as to encourage a quick settlement rather than having them come up in court (and be known to her family, etc).

Also, though it's emphasized in the materials on this website, do not leave the home.  It will put you at a huge disadvantage.

Spend every available minute reading about how to best approach your sitution.