Child doesn't want to return from summer visitation.

[Zuntzu]

My former spouse and I agreed nine years ago to her having summer visitation, alternating major holidays.  Court ordered decree, up until this visit, relatively smooth sailing.

A week before my 12 yr old child is to come home, she is telling me she doesn't want to.  This is not the first time she has flip-flopped as to where she wants to live, and I am allready in contact with an attorney...making sure jusrisdiction is in our home state (interstate-visitation, not fun), that the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act is accepted and ready to roll...

But I am absolutely sick in my heart.  I've been this little girls Daddy for 12 years, and 9 of those years it's been me taking care of her, while Mom has been "disneyland".

Soc is giving some excellent advise as to court motions and enforcement ideas...but oh my god this hurts.  Please someone throw me a bone that things are not as bleak as they feel right now.

There is no way, short of false accusations of abuse/neglect/etc..., that I won't be able to bring her home with the help of local law enforcement in the town she is visiting at.  Atleast thats what I think, but please correct me if I'm wrong.  And once she's home, in a while, and with some family counseling to get to the bottom of all this, I really think a way can be found that makes everyone more or less happy.

But while courts take a kids opinion on the matter, when my daughters opinion shifts like the wind, I hate to say it, but is she so unreliable that they would discount what she expresses as her wishes?  Does what a kid says really have that much weight?  Only to have it change in a month or so?  I know in my heart of hearts I'm a better parent and able to provide for my daughter's emotional/prepubescent needs...but I've been fighting the predjudice against custodial fathers for 9 years, and now that my daughter is going into her teens, she says she doesn't want to come home.  

Any ideas or encouragement folks?

[joni]

Not to be stereotypical but your DD is embarking on some major hormonal changes as she enters womanhood.  I'm sure she's sad about leaving mom, of course, part of her would be, you have to admit this.  I'm sure her mom is also in crazy mode about her leaving and this is how it's culminated.

Don't drive yourself crazy over what you don't know.  Try not to take this personally, you'll only drive her away and confirm any confusion that she may have.

She can't not come home.  When she does and she settles down, talk to her.  Your DD needs to know NOW more than ever, that you're patient, understanding and open minded.  If you jump all over her over this, it'll be the beginning of her shutting you out.

[Zuntzu]

Amen to that.
I reassured her by telephone, and would never come down on her for feeling sad and vulnerable, this situation is not hers, and I don't blame her for this mess.

Responsibility for this mess lies squarely on the shoulders of her non-custodial parent for manipulating her, and the situation to further her ends.  Unless my poor kid is railroaded into agreeing to some crazy abuse allegation, which I cannot imagine her doing, while very serious and problematic, going to where her visitation is occuring and getting local law enforcement to step in shouldn't be hard.

It's picking up the pieces of our lives after yet another attempt to shatter our family by my X.  I just want to help my kid through this, and get counseling for us all to see what can be done to help her understand these feelings she is having.

I can't help wondering if my always promoting contact and never bad-mouthing my former spouse is now backfiring.  They say nice guys finish last, but in the long run my daughter will always be my child, and nothing, not even crazy schemes and more time in court is going to take that away from our lives.  It's just a kick to the groin, but I'm not losing sight of whose foot it really is.

[joni]

Don't ever regret taking the higher road.  As parents, we pray we provide our children with good moral standards and ethics so they can make good judgments about their own lives.  Some decisions will be good, some will be bad.  We can only hope and pray for the best.

This is very confusing for your daughter.  Even if she does have a temporary lapse in judgment, because of the way you've raised her and been there for her, she'll never forget who you are and what you've done....even though she may not always remind you of this.  

Look at your Ex with empathy.  Her situation is really pathetic when you think about it.  Part of what motivating your Ex either directly or indirectly is the jealous and envy she has of you and the family that you've built.

[nosonew]

I think a great way to handle this would be to tell her that when she comes home, you and she will talk. And when you talk, tell her you DO respect her wishes, and if she wants to live with her mom NEXT MAY...prior to summer visit, you will agree.

If next May she wants to do that, then allow it. Most kids will change their mind pretty quickly, and if she decides while NOT on a visit, that is quite another thing.

It's a thought anyway... good luck!

[Zuntzu]

Thats in idea that has merit.
It's hard to get my head around, I'll admit, due to my raising this child from the day my ex walked out on us, up to now...9 years and counting.

And it sure wouldn't be the first time there has been a flipflop.
I want whats best for my kid, but I can't look at this objectively.
Thanks for the idea.