Is the court system gender blind?

[txstepmom]

My husband and I would like to get custody of my stepson (his 6 year old son).  My husband and my stepson's mother were never married and soon after he was born, he settled on joint management conservatorship.  He didn't try to get custody because so many told him that in Texas-mothers will always prevail. 

My husband and I have been together for nearly 5 years.  We met when my stepson was 15 months.  We dated for 2 years before we got engaged and we waited another 2 years before we married.  Now we have been married for nearly 1 year.  We try our best to provide a stable environment for my stepson because we feel children deserve stability and consistency. 

In the past 5 years, my stepson's mother has moved him 9 times and has lived with 5 different men.  Only 3 of the 9 times did she actually tell us she moved.  The other times we have found out on our own.  We pay her $750 a month in child support and we cover medical, life insurance, and costs when we have him. 

Here is our issue.  We feel that she makes bad choices.  Recently she got pregnant from a guy whom she only dated less than a month.  She then married him the following month and we have found out from my stepson that they have moved to a new home together.  None of which she has shared with us. 

My husband and I visited with an attorney and we requested that she attend mediation with us in lieu of a costly court battle.  She refused.  Said that we can take her to court and if we do, she will try to get more child support from us.  Our lawyer requires a VERY large retainer, $5000 and an additional $10,000 to be put in trust.  We want to proceed so that my stepson can have more stability with us, but we fear going that far in to debt and losing the court battle.  The economy has taken a toll on both my job and my husband's and we simply do not have $15,000 in spare cash.  We keep hearing that TX is a mother's state and we fear that the system will not be gender blind. 

What do we do?  We want the best for my stepson....we want to try for him.....but I am scared.

[ocean]

Unless you have more on the mother, it will be VERY hard to change custody. You would need to prove neglect. How many schools has the child attended? How many absences? A lot of what you describe is poor parenting and not neglect. Now she can say she is "stable" and married so be I would lay it all out and see if you can prove neglect and if not, maybe instead go for more visitation time. Like you said, it is a lot of money and will take a year of your life with constant court dates. Family court does not move very fast.

[Giggles]

Don't do it...based on what you posted, there isn't a significant "change" to warrent a custody change.

Yes...she doesn't make the greatest of choices, but they are hers to make and you have no right to judge her.  Yes you could possibly provide a more stable environment, but a judge will not "upset" the apple cart unless you can prove severe detriment to the child, abuse of the child and a failure to thrive.  If the child is being fed, has clothing and a roof over it's head...the court probably will not rule in your favor.

SO...what can you do???  How close do you live to the BM?  Is it within the same school district?  If so, you may be able to get more time, maybe even 50/50, but even that would be difficult if BM is not cooperative.  I know it stinks...but that's family court!

[txstepmom]

What's interesting is that we live 2 miles apart.  We live in an established neighborhood with kids that my stepson has the chance to play with when he visits.  She just moved out of an apartment into a rental...but if trend continues..she will move again.

In regards to school, she doesn't share information with us.  Because she gets him during the week, she gets the newsletters, notices, etc.  We email his teacher weekly to make sure we get information from the school.  I hope that next year's teacher is as cooperative to our situation.  She has taken him tardy to school a few times.

I don't think that she would intentionally do anything to hurt him...but I feel that she makes very poor choices.  He visits with us and tells us that she won't study with him.  He said that at one point he was going to some bar with her and her ex boyfriend and riding in the front of his "lowrider" without a seatbelt.  At one house she was living at, he was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag.  When he visits us, she doesn't send any clothes for the weekend. 

This past Christmas she didn't get him any gifts.

As far as I am concerned, she seems very insecure about me being apart of my stepsons life.  He has come home to us saying that his mom said that he cannot kiss me anymore.  And she constantly reminds him that I am not his mother.

I feel she just makes poor choices.  Isn't it neglect to introduce man after man into his life?  And having them sleep over?  Now she is married and pregnant to a man whom she has known for 3 months.  Yes, she can now say she is married and stable...but I hardly feel that a marriage based on a bad choice to get pregnant to someone she doesn't know constitutes stability..rather...a result of a bad decision. 

Sorry to vent.  But we have battled with her for the 5 years I have been with my husband.  I am terrified that this will be our lives until he reaches adulthood.  I am also terrified for my stepson.  I am a product of divorced parents who didn't get along...it isn't easy on a child.

I understand your points that a court wants to see extreme neglect...but isn't it supposed to be "in the best interest of the child"?  Sometimes, I just FEEL that it is in the best interest of the mother.  My husband is just crushed.  I am crushed.  We want to have more of a role in my stepsons life.  We want to be around.   

[ocean]

How about asking for increased visits since child lives within 2 miles and you can take him to and from school. Maybe increase the weekend to thur after school to monday morning or something like that? At the same time I would ask for court ordered counseling so when things come up, the child has someone to talk to. The school stuff...just go through the school. Deal with the teacher and office for school pictures, field day, concerts. Keep checking the school calendar/website online. Here there is a spot where parents log in and get grades and attendance records. If they have that, get your own password from the school.

Most of what you said is very aggravating but really not abuse. You cant stop her from having boyfriends or more kids. Teach him how to cope with certain situations (and the therapist will help with that) and teach him your number and 911 if it is an emergency.

[Giggles]

I agree with ocean.  I KNOW it's frustrating not being able to provide a better life for that little boy, but in some ways you can.  Since you live so close, you may want to try for some more time.  I would also try to get the parenting plan changed so that in order for her to move more than say 20 miles, that she has to have court approval.  Unfortunately, you cannot stop her from moving, but can limit her distance.  Perhaps in the future it might be used as a change of circumstance if the constant moves are effecting his school performance.   As for the school, they MUST provide you with his information (grades, newsletters, etc), certainly keep on top of that!!

The BM does sound very insecure...and sadly that will effect your SS's life.  I too think counseling would be most benificial for not only your DH and you, but for SS as well.  I don't understand why some BM's are "hateful" towards the Stepmother's in their childrens lives?  My philosophy has always been "the more people there are to love a child, the better off that child is!"  My Daughter's Stepmom is WONDERFUL and believe it or not, I trust my daughter more with HER than I do my DD's FATHER!! hehehe  When making the arrangements for my DD to go visit them for the summer, I got frustrated talking with her Father so I told him to put SM on the phone!! hehehe

Another thing you want to start doing is documenting everything.  You have no case if you don't have any proof!

As for the clothing....this is one of those "pick your battles" type deals.  Yes, you do pay Child support and that provides his clothing....but it's not worth arguing about!  What I would suggest is to KEEP some clothing for him at your home.  When he comes, wash the outfit he comes in and have him wear that same outfit when he goes back.  That way, you keep the items you've purchased at YOUR house.

Remember, your SS is only 6 y/o, you still have another 12 YEARS to deal with this BM.  I would suggest to try and find some way to get along with her.  Stop judging her and the things she does, you cannot control that....focus on the child!

[txstepmom]

Just wanted to say thanks for responding to my post...I appreciate your responses and advice.  It is really helpful to have fresh perspectives.