Our life- the soap opera- confused

[redbabyblue70]

Today's events- BM picks children up from our house, her weekend.  My fiance checks the children's heads before they go back to Mom (supposedly mom found/treated lice this Monday)- does find nits (eggs) in oldest daughter only- oldest daughter was away at camp approx two weeks ago and treated for lice on Monday by BM- We keep the children away from the conversation (inside our place) and Dad explains to BM the possibility that lice (in this case) is not coming from either home- it happened at camp.  She acknowledges she let her bf interfere and get her all upset about it, and had she thought it through, she would of come to a different conclusion.  Based on this discussion, Dad requested to have day that was taken away from him (she called and said she was taking away a day because of the lice, this would also end the 50/50 split, and understand under the current CO, she has primary custody).  She seemed to agree to it, but we won't know for sure until that day actually happens. 

She was a totally different person today- but I have to say, I just don't trust her.  My fiance and I agree that he should still file for modification of the current CO, 'cause she has just now shown to us, on a whim, she will makes changes what has been verbally agreed upon because she can. 

Here is where my confusion comes in, we also wanted to file contempt charges against her, for several issues.  I know it sounds like we are being vindictive, but we have tried communicating with her, and I am tired of her Dr. Jeykll/Mr. Hyde personality.  She has not been honoring the right of first refusal for almost a year now, her actions for the past year have poisioned the minds of her children against their father, and she has her b/f communicating with my fiance instead of speaking to him directly.  We don't know whether we want to follow through with the contempt petition or not.  I'm afraid if we don't, her actions will continue and now we are allowing her to walk all over us.

I know this is just a small bit of information, but if you are able to review my other posts, you will see what we have been experiencing for the past two to three weeks.  Any thoughts/suggestions?

[armycoppertop]

I would file contempt for not obeying the ROFR order, ask for a modification in the court order stating that ALL communications will be between bio parents (this cuts out the boyfriend's interference, but you can't have a double standard, either) and a modification stating that BM can NOT withhold visitation for ANY reason, that if for any reason they agree visitation should not happen on a specific date, a make-up day is court ordered to occur within 30 days of the missed visitation day, and whenever possible, communications should happen via email (to minimize the abuse when Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde trades places and give you documentation as to if DH had actually agreed to reschedule a visitation, etc.). I don't see how she got away with not letting DH have them just because she CLAIMED the lice was his fault. If she was witholding visitation just so she could treat the lice, then it should have been in writing BEFOREHAND when the make-up visitation would be.

[CuriousMom]

redbabyblue - what county are you in?

[ocean]

When the boyfriend calls, have your Dh state that he will only speak to BM and HANG UP. Dont do ANY communication with the boyfriend. At the next exchange have your DH say "BM, since there always seems to be miscommunication I will no longer be speaking to xxx , this is between you and me. My wife doesnt call you and I would appreciate the same respect".

If it happens again, send a certified letter stating the same thing and always hang up on him. He will get the picture pretty fast. You will have to deal with him (or others) and if this was the only issue I would not go to court with it.

File contempt for the missed day and ask for make-up time. Also put in there that children will come even if sick unless a dr states they should remain at BM home only. Both parents can take care of a sick child (including lice...)

[redbabyblue70]

CuriousMom- we are in Lehigh County.

Thank you all for the suggestions.  I agree there should not be a double standard, if my fiance does not want to deal with her b/f, neither should BM communicate thru me.  I am going to share the posts with my fiance and see how he feels about it as well.

Our main issue for contempt is not honoring the right of first refusal. She works on the weekends that are her weekends for the children, therefore she should be offering them to their father FIRST- not using b/f as "babysitter".  If Dad is not available, then she has the right to decide who watches the children. 

In the first year of their separation, honestly, we had the children more then she did, because of the right of first refusal.  All changed when she moved in with her boyfriend.

[armycoppertop]

CuriousMom- we are in Lehigh County.


Our main issue for contempt is not honoring the right of first refusal. She works on the weekends that are her weekends for the children, therefore she should be offering them to their father FIRST- not using b/f as "babysitter".  If Dad is not available, then she has the right to decide who watches the children. 

In the first year of their separation, honestly, we had the children more then she did, because of the right of first refusal.  All changed when she moved in with her boyfriend.

Court orders say ROFR for the father when she can't watch them, not offer them to her BOYFRIEND, THEN the father.  Time for a smackdown on her!

[ocean]

My only question would be : do YOU ever watch the children? If dad goes out?  Just asking because then BM can state she does not want you with them alone. Maybe have it state after a certain number of hours, BM must use you.  ex "If mom or dad will be away more than 3 hours, father will have parenting time with children. Father supersedes ALL other people including spouses"

[redbabyblue70]

My only question would be : do YOU ever watch the children? If dad goes out?  Just asking because then BM can state she does not want you with them alone. Maybe have it state after a certain number of hours, BM must use you.  ex "If mom or dad will be away more than 3 hours, father will have parenting time with children. Father supersedes ALL other people including spouses"

Yes, when my fiance is working- he makes BM aware he is scheduled to work, offering the children to her FIRST- she indicates she is not available.  At that point, he has the right to designate who will watch the children for him.  They are then with me.  He does not go "out" for the sake of going out, it is because he has to work.  He does not have a 9 to 5 job, nor is he off on weekends.  He is able to make sure he is off one of the days the children are with him on his designated weekend.  BM has not done this since they separated/divorced over three years ago.

You are correct, she could make a request not allowing me to watch the children.  Not sure how that would work out in her best interest though, since my fiance will insist on the same request in regards to her b/f.  My mom did that to my father.  In their custody arrangement, I was only allowed to visit with him when he was home, not when he was working.  She felt my visitation was with my father, not my father's g/f (at the time, now his wife, I was 10 when he left my mother for his current wife).

I agree with armycoppertop- my mate's former wife has been getting away with a lot, for way to long.  It is time to get this situation under control, through the courts.