Forgotten Father

[DonHall72]

I need advice.  In 1990 I lived in Seattle and dated this girl, after awhile I had decided to move back to Ohio. We made plans to move back together. I was going first to find us a place to live and then she was going to come. Right before I left, she said she was pregnant but that didn't change our plans. I came back to Ohio and we talked on the phone then I found us a place and when it came time for her to come, she had problems and didn't come.  Next thing, she was gone, I had no idea where she was. I never heard from her again, until 1999 when I received a phone call from her. We started talking and I started to talk to my daughter. We started a relationship and even started mailing videos to each other. She was a single mother of 4 kids now and I was married with children. Everything was fine, we all got along great. My wife and my ex would even talk on the phone just as friends. One day she called and said she was having problems and had to file for support but it was fine because we worked it all out to help her and to be affordable for me.  When I got the papers, she wanted a paternity test so there would never be questions.  We each did the test and the results came back that she was my child.  The order was done and she worked out a visitation schedule that was extremely unfair. Things like, I had to fly there and could see her supervised for 1 hour a day for so many days so many times a year. Calculated, it was going to cost me $8000 a year just to see her. Remember, I would have to fly from Ohio to the state of Washington for a day or 2 and then come back twice a month. My wife and I are not doctors or lawyers, we are middle class family with children. I was not happy about it at all but she kept telling me that the visitation was just on paper, that we could work it all out. Then came the day, the papers were all delivered. The papers consisted of the support and visitation and the paternity tests which included pictures of all of us. Just my theory but the picture of her was nothing how she said she looked. She said she was 115 pounds and blond hair and worked out but the picture I got that the agency took at the time of the test was a girl of about 200 pounds, brown hair and someone that did not take care of themselves. I honestly believe that she was embarrassed because once again she disappeared. That was in 2000. I still pay support for my daughter but I have no contact. This week, I found out that the mom left my daughter about 19 months ago and gave custody to her mom in Hawaii. I am being robbed!! This little girl is being given to anyone the mom wants and I don't even get a say so. I have called places in Hawaii and they tell me that I have no right to know anything. I am paying child support to Hawaii and they won't tell me anything. This is so unfair, I have a home, a job, a wife, kids but no rights when it comes to this child? I am her father so if the mom didn't want her, why wasn't I given a chance to take her?  Does anyone have any advice for me? Do remember this however, I have a family in my home to support. The atorneys I have called said I would have to hire an attorney in Ohio to hire one in Hawaii. I honestly don't have that kind of money- plus I would have to hire an investigator to find out where this little girl lives. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know, I am so lost.

[Peanutsdad]

Don,

you are caught in the same trap I've seen so many parents in.

Yes, you are being robbed,,, of being a little girls daddy when its obvious she needs at least ONE parent to give a shit.

This is no consolation, but if you are going to do the right thing by your daughter, you are going to HAVE to file in the state where jurisdiction currently is. You are going to HAVE to pony up the bread for an attorney.

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.

[DMcD]

If the support and visitation orders came from WA state, you need to contact a lawyer or legal aid clinic in that state. If she disappeared without giving you the opportunity to exercise your time with your daughter, she is in contempt of court. Read and re-read your court order to deterimine if there were any provisions such as she was responsible for notifying you of address changes, phone number changes, etc. Also, try to find out if she was barred from moving from the state, county, city, etc. for purposes of relocating the child. Many court orders have provisions like that.

You are in for a long, rocky road if you truely want to be a part of your child's life. Many men have been in similar or worse situations, fought the good fight and are now custodial father's or have joint physical custody of their children. It is no easy task, but it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding that you are responsible for your child and that she needs you. Now more than ever. You have come to the right place to find resources, help and emotional support. My DH fought six years before I found this site. Less than a year after I started the research from the information I was able to find here, he was granted primary physical custody of his children. It wasn't easy and it certainly wasn't cheap, but it was done.

Take heart and come back often. You are with friends here. Each and every one of us has a story to tell and help to offer. Best of luck to you.