Can't we say I'm sick?

[snowrose]

Background:  A week ago CPS was visiting, giving us a report on their latest visit with BM.  Turns out that for the second time in just months BM has again tried to file a complaint against me, saying I'm abusing SD9.  BM has been saying that she's getting low on money and I think the former child support DH was paying is looking pretty good right now, even though BM hates having SD with her and tries to get rid of her as quickly as possible.  Still, BM had SD lie to the CPS agent the very first day that SD came over for her 2 week summer visit.  SD is afraid of BM and will do what she's told to do.  This time the CPS agent saw through it immediately (really poor lying on their part) and never even opened an investigation.  The next day SD called us crying, asking to come home.  And a week later she called us again, crying to come home and even invoking a special password that was only supposed to be used if she was being abused at BM's.  (She said she wasn't being threatened, she just wanted to come home.)

So, tonight the talk started while DH and SD9 were doing the dishes this evening.  DH was telling SD that we were taking our puppy to the vet tomorrow.  SD said, "Can I go?"  DH answered that she'd be at BM's tomorrow.  "Awwww!!  Can't I stay home?"

Fast forward about an hour; DH is putting SD to bed and she says to him "I don't want to go to BM's tomorrow."  DH says she has to.  SD says, "But you have control."  (DH has all care and control of SD, BM only gets visits and information.)  DH says, not for this.  (The CO states the visitation schedule.)  "But you said you had control!"  Not of this.  SD says, "I could get sick."  You could go to BM's even if your sick.  "No, Mommy doesn't want me to come over when I'm sick."  DH says he can't do that.  "When is my next overnight?"  DH says not until September. (We have our vacation time with SD coming up.)  SD looks surprised, then says, "I don't want to stay overnight at Mommy's anymore."

And what's the only reason she'll give DH for going through all of this?  Because she won't be able to play with her friends.  Um, no.  This hasn't been an issue all summer.  Something else is going on there and I think it stems from her 2 weeks with BM, and maybe also with BM manipulating SD into lying about me to CPS.  And maybe something more happened on Sunday, with BM being angry that she's not allowed in our home anymore.  (I didn't want to see her anymore because she's telling all these lies and I can't maintain the false face when she shows up, so DH asked her to stay in her car from now on.)

Wed is SD's appt with her therapist.  I think maybe we'll see if she'll tell the therapist some of what's really going on.  And if necessary maybe shortly we'll see if we can cut back BM's visitation time.

[Giggles]

OMG...THANK YOU!!!

You just gave me a great idea!  My DH and I are having issues with my SS and at this point we are petrified.  We think SS has been and is being abused by his SF.  DH confronted BM about it and now we've been cut off from SS...the last we heard from SS is that he can't talk to us anymore because we're "manipulating" him.  We're manipulating him all right....because we told a 16 y/o that if he didn't feel safe or if he felt threatened that he could call my Mom and she will come get him....sooo manipulating!

We're going to call CPS today to report what we found.  SS told his grandparents that his SF had been hitting him and that his BM has a cell phone video of it that she wants to use to get a divorce from the guy...but that she needed to wait so she can take him for all he's worth.  Then my DH found some letters SS wrote to his friends talking about SF beating him, choking him...etc.

SS is a bright brilliant kid but he scared to death of his BM and SF.  He just wants to finish HS and get out of there....I told him that I have an uncle in that same town that he can stay with to finish up school (oh that was manipulating as well) and be away from the stress and worry.

The idea of having a secret "safe" word is great!  If we can some how get in touch with SS...without his BM knowing...I would feel a lot better!!

[Kitty C.]

School starts real soon, Giggles.....maybe you can get a message to him via a teacher??

[snowrose]

So, in the end when BM arrives SD happily runs up to BM's car.  Then she tries to get BFF to come over saying, "BM wants to see you."  BFF does.not.move.an.inch.  She was sitting on one of our patio chairs and had no intention of going over to BM's car.  SD says, "BM wants to know if you can come too.  Come on, BFF, go ask your dad!"  So at that point SD and BFF walk over to BFF's home.  I watch from the window.  A few minutes later SD runs out to BM's car - I believe by herself.

I'm thinking that BFF was told "Maybe next time" but given her reaction on seeing BM, I would say that BFF will tell her dad that she doesn't want to go.  (Not sure if it's because of things SD has said to BFF about BM or if BFF just didn't like BM's looks.  (BM scowls - a lot.))  But it was interesting to note that SD didn't appear to have a problem with going to visit BM.

Man, you work yourself up worrying and then you begin to wonder if the kid is just playing with you!

[Kitty C.]

'Man, you work yourself up worrying and then you begin to wonder if the kid is just playing with you!'

Sometimes they are, snowrose.........sometimes they are.......

JMO, but I think one of the biggest problems that arises with children having 2 homes to deal with is playing parents against each other.  My DS did it and my SS did it...sometimes he still tries, but it's not as blatant as it used to be.  Besides, DH cuts thru it pretty quickly and calls SS on it and it stops right there.  It's part of the collateral damage that comes with the territory and completely unavoidable.

[Giggles]

School starts real soon, Giggles.....maybe you can get a message to him via a teacher??

I wish that was the case...he's in a special program where he attends college in leiu of HS.  When he graduates next year...not only will he get his HS diploma...but he'll also have an associates degree!!  So since he's going to college....he doesn't start until mid Sept.

In DH's court order...BM has to allow weekly phone calls....so if we can't call him next week...then well...we'll see what we can do....ugh...

[Kitty C.]

Well then, contact the college he is attending.  There has to be someone, whether at the HS or the college, who is advising him and keeps in at least minimal contact with him.  I wouldn't rule out this route completely........

[snowrose]

JMO, but I think one of the biggest problems that arises with children having 2 homes to deal with is playing parents against each other.  My DS did it and my SS did it...sometimes he still tries, but it's not as blatant as it used to be.  Besides, DH cuts thru it pretty quickly and calls SS on it and it stops right there.  It's part of the collateral damage that comes with the territory and completely unavoidable.

The one good thing about this is that DH handles things levelly when SD says things like that, only being honest about what he can and cannot do legally.  And then he and I talk later after SD goes to bed, and if I start worrying about her at least she doesn't see it and it doesn't feed her.

I expend all my nervous energy and my concerns between DH and talking to you good folks, so I can appear calm and unconcerned.