Frustrated and emotionally drained- BM issues & false allegations

[redbabyblue70]

Hi All. 

Looking for some advice and also a place to vent.  Yesterday was another day from hell.  My fiance's children were returned to their BM yesterday (normal return day after his weekend) at 3:00 pm.  We proceeded to visit our local courthouse law library for info on filing modification of CO, contempt of court for CO, and general CS info.  While we are there, my fiance receives a voicemail message on his cell phone.  Once we are out of the courthouse and on our way for dinner, he listens to the message on speakerphone from his former wife.  She indicates he returned the children with bugs (aka) lice and because of this, she is taking away his normal Wednesdays with his children.  I proceed to tell him we are immediately going to her house to see these supposed bugs.  Understand the other week we just went through  yet another visit from C&Y stating children always have lice from our home and his ill treatment of daughter's bed wetting issues.  He calls her, questioning the lice issue and tells her he is on his way to see them, she says no he isn't, she won't let him see them and hangs up on him.  We get there, he goes to the door, and BM bf answers instead of BM.  Discussion goes on about lice, and bf brings out a white sheet of paper with supposed bugs.  His son comes to the door and bf orders him back in the house.  My fiance request to see BM is finally honored and she comes out yelling at him.  She claims children (there are three) have had lice throughout the summer.  This is the first time he is hearing of it. He reminds her, per CO, he is to be informed whenever there is a medical issue with the children, just like he is to inform her if there is an issue with the children when in his care. 

Background info- his children have been having issues with lice on and off since BM moved into her bf's home in June of 2008.  Prior to this, NO issues of lice. 

Unfortunately, until the current CO is modified, she is able to stop him from seeing the children on Wednesdays.  Sad part is his children requested to be with him that day. 

FYI- after looking at supposed bugs on white paper- we both agree there is no way it is lice bugs.  My first thought, is it looks like seeds, or some kind of seasoning.  Other thought that crossed my mind is it kinda looked like weed.  We have had experience in looking at lice because of all the issues with it for the past year.  We tried to see a social worker at C&Y- but this all happened around 5:00 pm- their office was closed. 

My fear- we will once again be harassed with another social worker visit.  Once again, she has tried to make him look bad not only in front of me, but in front of his own children.

She has recently submitted a request via DR for CS.  When she moved in with her bf, she agreed to 50/50 custody arrangement, since she was moving her three children in with her b/f's three children.  (Originally she was going to give him full custody, but changed her mind). She also agreed to stop CS (that was done in writing, after he petitioned for a modification in support due to having the children 50% of the time).  Unfortunately, this change was only done verbally.  This is why we were at the courthouse.  He realizes it needs to be in writing at this point.  I am sure she will fight it.  We can only hope that since this arrangement has been in place for a year and working, the courts will allow it to continue.  (We reside in PA). 

Has anyone else had to deal with constant harrassment from C&Y due to false allegations?  From all my research, it appears that nothing ever happens to the false accuser once the case is determined to be unfounded.

Any info/advice is appreciated- as long as I am not being slammed since I am a biological parent.

[Momfortwo]

The father needs to consult with an attorney about what is going on to see what he can do.   

If the mother is following the court order (and if she called you about the lice, then she is following the court order), you don't have a case for contempt.  Even if she changes the current time that the father has as long as the time he ends up with is what the court order says.   

[MixedBag]

You know -- I also encourage HIGHLY encourage you to get a copy of your state's statutes to see what it says when there are many reports to Child Services that turn out to be false.

THAT could work in your favor.

[tjk]

One thing you might consider doing is to check the kids when they arrive and have a 3rd party check the kids for lice just before going back to bm.  (If you know someone who is close by like a teacher or health care provider it would be even better.) Just have them sign and date a statement.  I am a big believer in documentation. 

IF the kids have lice and IF it has been an ongoing issue, it would be very possible for them to become reinfected at either home if the house has not been properly treated along with treatment for the kids.  I would definitely treat the house before they return even if the problem originates at the bm's house.   

Why does mom have the say over dad getting the Wednesday visit?

[redbabyblue70]

Actually- yesterday is the first time BM has ever said the children had lice coming from our home (directly to us).  When there, she stated it has been happening ALL summer and that the school released them early (summer school) because of it.  This makes no sense, since the final report for summer school indicated that they had perfect attendance and made no mention of issues for lice.  Our address and phone numbers are provided to the school because we live in the area of the school they are attending. We were also informed by the school, as long as the 50/50 split, it is ok for the children to still attend the same school.   BM elected to move across town and if she used her info, they would end up changing schools. Dad plans to contact the school to find out if BM statement is correct or not.  He is also requesting something in writing from the school about this allegation.

Mom has say on Wednesdays because she has primary physical custody according to the current CO.  There is a line in the CO requiring the custody schedule to be flexible and open for the benefit and best interests of the minor children.  Dad is in the process of filing a modification to the current CO to reflect the current verbal agreement of having the children 50% of the time.  Dad feels BM is using the lice as an excuse to deny a day and change time due to pending CS action. 

[rjmurdock]

I also live in Pa and as far as false allegations go with court BM will prolly only get a slap on the wrist and a don't do it again. For child services their is no recourse for false allegations. By law they are not even allowed to tell you who called no matter how many times. My mother was a case worker for human services and I also had a vindictive ex mother in law who thought she should be raising my daughter (even though my ex and I have two children she only wanted the one). The only thing they can do is what they did for me. Research everything in your life. It's kind of a pain but in the end it's worth it. Now when she calls complaining about something they simply state that they have already looked into that and her claim is unfounded. On her fifth time calling children services we had the case open for about six months so the case worker could document the kids day to day schedules, talk to their teachers, talk to their daycare, ect. but now she has nothing to go on and they don't bother us anymore. It also gives us written documentation of the enviroment that the kids live in which helped us out in court when ex MIL had my ex try to take me for full custody. I would suggest taking an offensive. Call C & Y and tell them to check out everything and document everything. Meanwhile file for a modification. I don't think you have a case for contempt since technically she is only violating a verbal agreement not the CO. Good Luck with your case I know how tiring and frustrating it can be from both sides as I am the CP of two daughters and a stepmother to a son and both ex's feel that the children are weapons to get what they want. Don't know what is wrong with ppl anymore how hard is it to put your child's need above your wants. 

[snowrose]

Regarding the lice, I would highly recommend that you get a Robi comb.  They're usually available at most pharmacies.  Robi comb the children's hair when they arrive.  Robi comb the children's hair when they leave.  It only takes a few minutes.  Also, scan the children's hair for nits and remove any nits that you find.

The Robi comb electrocutes the lice with a tiny electric pulse.  When it touchs a louse the comb stops humming.  Then you brush the dead lice from the comb.  This way you'll be able to see how many lice are or are not on your child and will be able to kill the lice at the same time.

Good luck with the changes you're making.  Make sure to continue to pay CS as in the written agreement until a new agreement is signed by both parties.

[redbabyblue70]

Thank you all for the advice, esp about the Robi comb.  I need to look into that.  Things have gotten much better since we petitioned the court for a modification to the custody order.  BM has dropped the child support request when she was informed she may have to pay child support to my husband (yes he is my husband now as of October 24th!) since her income is higher then his income.  The hearing for the modification to the CO is on November 19th.  I am hoping that goes well as well.  We had an hour and a half discussion with BM and her BF about the children and the lice situation, among other things.  Believe it or not, it was an eye opening experience.  I still don't trust her, but I am more then willing to work with her because it is what is in the BEST interest of the children. 

I also will look into going to C & Y and making the request to be totally investigated.  BM's stepsister seems to possibly be the source of complaints against us.  BM has an on again off again relationship with her stepsister and every time they are off again, we suffer for it with complaints to C & Y.  It just feels like harassment at this point.