Need Advise

[oneaddress]

Hello group,

I am temporary primary residential parent of my five yr old son. BM used drugs and abused alcohol DUI. Final hearing three months away. I did not ask for mom to pay any child support. BM taking prescribed "nerve" medicines. History of violent behavior. BM admitted that she smokes weed and had done cocaine, but she did pass 48 hr. notice drug test.

BM went to my girlfriend's job to confront her because she did not like girlfriend's attitude. BM took our five year old son with her. BM has been married and is in new relationship. Girlfriend diffused situation by telling her to stop arguing in front of child. BM called to argue with me, but I calmed her down by telling her that my girlfriend would never try to replace her as our son's mother.

BM and her family are trying to do everything they can to get custody changed. They are telling my son that I lied to get him. My son has been in my home over 50 percent since he was 6 months old. I expect more irratic behavior. I have to look over my shoulder everyday for drama. What should I do? I am trying to be a good dad to our son.

Thanks

[Gestalt]

I hate to suggest this because I don't like options that throw fuel on the fire, but you might want to talk to your attorney about getting a no contact order against mom.

[oneaddress]

Thanks for reading my post. What is a no contact order?

[oneaddress]

I have been researching no contact order. I have heard of TRO. Does girlfriend need to file for one or do I need to file for one?Also, is there something that I can do about mom saying bad things (alienation) about me and my family. After he comes home from a weekend with her he has bad behavior. This is so frustrating. It seems that BM would want what is best for our son, but she just wants to get back in control.

I have jumped through her hoops every since he was born and tried to do everything her way, but when I found out that she was putting our son in harms way I had to step in. I know how vindictive she is and live in fear of her next plot. I do not want my son to be confused about who he should love and who he should not love. I always try to be positive about his mom when talking to him. Parents, how do you keep strong when you have to battle everyday?

[ocean]

It is prob too late for a RO now but if ex shows up at your GF job/house again, have her call police and make a report for harassment. Once you get that (and it would be better if they charge her with it too so have her remember what she said or keep a tape recorder with her for proof) then you can get a RO on her for coming near you, calling the house or jobs.

You cant really do anything about her talking about you. Next time you are in court you can file a motion that neither party will talk badly about the other but will that really make her stop? Teach your son that both parents love him equally. That there are different rules at different houses but when he comes back to you, he needs to behave (give him some time to rewind BUT he always needs to be respectful in your house).

You can start with a child counsleor/ family counselor. Go find one you like first that will help you deal with the situation and also will talk to your child and help them deal with his mother. A good therapist may even ask mom to come in to discuss things and help the child tell mom that they dont like it when she talks bad about dad. Ask around and see if anyone is willing to do this, if not , keep looking. Once you have one for a while and mom doesnt want to attend, you can get it court ordered.

Good luck and dont let it get to you everyday. Talk it as it comes....take deep breaths...

[MomofTwo]

A TRO would have had to been filed by your gf, or whoever felt they were in harms way. It is not a tactic to gain custody and keep Mom away.  Being the parent with the child,  you have to sometimes walk a fine line between dealing with the crazy ex but yet showing you will be the one to foster the relationship of the other parent and child.   Since you are trying to obtan permanent custody, you have to honestly be careful.  Having a TRO filed can sometimes been seen by a judge as a tactic and not necessary and shows you are trying to keep the other parent out.  Right or wrong, there is an onus  on the CP to foster the relationship (meaning you will prove you will not intentionally try to keep the child from that parent.) of that relationship.   

The best way to gain permanent custody is to be the parent who provides stability and routine.  Keep not discussing it with the child.  You can't do anything about Mom saying whatever she is going to say.  If your child asks you something, be diplomatic.  You can ask for an order speaking to that (can't be allowed to be negative about the other), but those are really useless orders that can't be enforced.  You need to be the one that takes the high road and doesn't do speak unkindly.   

Regarding the drugs, be aware that your allegations regarding drug use are now just that - your allegations,  since she passed the drug test.  Be mentally aware since that was the reason you have temporary custody, that that may possibly be a reason to give Mom custody/partial custody.   

Dealing with a crazy ex -- try your hardest to limit her influence in YOUR life.  She is the child's mother and that isn't going to change.    If she calls incessantly, turn the ringer off or let it go to voicemail.  If she writes emails, only respond to emails regarding the child.  Keep it short and pointed to the child.   Do not engage her.  I know it can be difficult, but anything she does or says not pertaining to the child, don't get into it with her. Being crazy is trying to be in control.  I am divorced 4 years from a man who was abusive and controlling and to this day, he is crazy. It is emotionally and physically draining, but focus on the positive from that relationship - your child.  Holding that in your heart can get you through just about anything.

[oneaddress]

Thanks for the encouragement. I will seek a counselor for my son and me. It is good for our son that she is not abusing illegal drugs. I try to stay positive, but sometimes it gets hard when BM throws negativity and hate at me. The negativity started when I decided that I would stand up in court.

BM said that mothers always get custody and what they want in court. She is angry, because I let the court know that she had 2 DV reports, 5 arrest records, and DUI. BM told me that she would never let me keep her from getting government aid because she needed to keep her "benefits."

Before our court case, she enrolled son in one of the most expensive daycares in the city. As a matter of fact the daycare lost its good rating last month. Her plan was to get the payment rolled over into child support then pull him out and enroll him in free headstart. There are least expensive daycares. I am struggling to pay it every week, because I am afraid to stir BM up.

Thanks for advise and most important to me right now-a support system.