Is it possible... How do I?

[superdad01]

1. How do I enforce first right of refusal?  For quite a while now mom is not home when I drop child off. They live with the grand parents... I have first right of refusal however is has always proven to blow up in my face when I have tried to enforce it. I will always encounter some sort of crazy accusation after it's all said and done. Why file and complaint, when the foc says.... "well If it happens again"  I have just gotten tired of all the bs and I don't even write it down anymore... I know I should but what's the point.  If I return home with the child, I will just have to bring her back to her moms when she does get home. Mom will refuse to come get her and threaten to file kidnapping charges again... lol   <------ I have to laugh because I am long past frustrated.

2. Mom is planning on moving next year sometime. Can I or how should I ask the court to keep child in her same school district? Due to the fact that I have daily parenting time and any move of any significant distance would distrupt that and not be beneficial to the child.

3. Since mom is moving by her own choice, will she be ordered to do any of the transportation, since she moved... Is it likely to go in my favor for a split in the transportation.

4. Since mom has never revealed her place of work and work schedule, can I get it ordered or how would I so that I get a copy of her work schedule so I know when she is not avaible to be with the child

[Kitty C.]

'If I return home with the child, I will just have to bring her back to her moms when she does get home. Mom will refuse to come get her and threaten to file kidnapping charges again...'

Threatening and doing are two different things.  Let's say you do take the child back with you because no one is home.  She calls and threatens kidnapping charges if you don't bring her back and you tell her you've already made one trip...if she wants the child, she should either have been home and the appointed time or come get her.  She'll blow a gasket and tell you she's calling the cops.  Let her........make her put her money where her mouth is.  The cops will come to your home, you show them the CO and that you had no idea when anyone would be home and would not leave the child there alone.  They canNOT fault you for that.  And if you want to back up your statement with proof, buy something cheap at the nearest conv. store, get the receipt, and show it to the cops.  It will have the time on the receipt to show that you really were there when you say you were.  As long as YOU know you have done nothing illegal, there's not a damn thing she can do about it except be at home in the future or come get her.

Years ago, I used to be thoroughly intimidated by any verbal threats made against me.  All it took was one instance of realizing that it was nothing but hot air and, even if they followed up on it, it made them look like a fool.  So anyone stupid enough to try it now with me gets it thrown right back into their court.  I make them put their money where their mouth is...and it usually ends up deflating them faster than popping a balloon.

As for her moving, definitely ask to keep the child in the same school district.  Gather documentation on her grades and everything positive she's done in school and be prepared to bring that up in court.  As for the transportation issue, definitely insist in court that the BM must pay for any added trans. costs, since SHE is the one moving.  I'm not sure on the work schedule, but if you're willing to provide yours to her, do so in court and see if the court makes her reciprocate.

[pcdad]

RE:  Kidnapping Charges - we went through this with hubby's ex - she wasn't home when we were to drop SD off - so we didn't.  She called cops, she has also called when we were 10-15 minutes late (we called and left messages that we would be but she doesn't answer our calls) the cops laughed and said technically we have 12 hours from the time on the CO before anything legal can be done.


RE:  TRANSPORTATION - also went through this with his ex - she moved yet we had to do all the driving, she refused to do any.  We filed and went to court, Judge stated it will be split 1/2 - this IS in the best interest of all parties.  Even though your ex moves - it would be best to split it - either meeting half way or as in our case the "receiving" parent picks up.  Better to keep the peace in some instances than trying to be pig-headed (I am in NO way infering that is your intent). As the Judge stated in our case that situations change and someday it might be you that will make the move and you would like to have as much cooperation in the matter of transportation.  Remember when the transportation CO is set up to be VERY specific in some areas but less restrictive on others.  Also remember that anything on the CO stands, so don't be so restrictive as to specify who may pick-up, where the drop-off/pick-up is etc unless your situation demands it.  This one blew up in his ex's face as she had specified that when she picked up SD she HAD to be at our residence address - well ... on Sunday's we usually went to visit family members that lived approximately 15 miles from BM instead of our residence being 55 miles.  There were several times she followed us all the way home just to pick up SD - bitching at us when we got home why we didn't stop - well SHE was the one adament that the only place she could pick up her daughter was at our residence.  I would not be restrictive about who can pick up either as YOU might run into a situation where it necessitates someone else getting your child/ren and she could refuse to allow that person to pick them up based on the restrictions of the CO.   

[CuriousMom]

My CO has a lateness clause in it - if either party is more than 20 minutes late and does not contact the other parent within this timeframe, the parent who is suppose to obtain custody forfeits their time until the next exchange.

[MixedBag]

great ideas!

[Kitty C.]

In other words, don't let her intimidate you and let her have all the control over the situation.  YOU are a parent to this child, too.

Just remember....as long as YOU know you have done nothing illegal (and if you're not sure, call your local LE agency and ask), she can threaten till the cows come home.....but it will be nothing but a lot of hot air.

[superdad01]

 She might not be home but her grand parents are. I suppose she would say that it would be disruptive to the child's schedule. but she is not there. So how do I enforce that? By the time the foc sees it, it is already done and over. Then If I have the child and she will not come and get her then I would have to take the next day off of work to take her to school and it would be just a huge hassle... Not to mention the payback.

I have called her bluff a few times... and what happens is she usually breaks down and does what she is supposed to do.... However the payback from that incident will usually be worse. (like calling the cops saying I attempted to run her over with my vehicle. Or her calling CPS. Both have happened.

Are judges up to letting both parties know eachother's schedules She knows mine, but I have no clue what she does or where she works.

[ocean]

Are you in the same school district? If not, you wont be able to keep child there when mom moves. If you are, set up busing from your house if/when you have child with you. Or call school and ask about morning care...here it is $3 a day to drop child off early. You dont have to tell them the exact days so if you need to, you can bring her in and not miss work.

Send her a certified letter stating if she is not home, you will take child home with you as per the court order. When you drop off, call and ask her to come to door to let child out. If she is not there, then you keep her. She will blow smoke first time..who cares...Im sure it wont happen again. You can even call the local police when it happens and state you have child if a call comes in but mother is not home to release child to that your order gives you the right to first refusal. I like the idea of buying something at the local gas station to prove you were in the area.
Keep you letter civil and to the point. Quote your order exactly and the page it is on and that first right of refusal you get child before all others including grandparents.

[Kitty C.]

I think by now you have come to the conclusion that you will be dealing with a pbfh for many years.  That being said, let her dig her own grave.  You say she's called the cops and CPS on you in the past........obviously nothing adverse happened to you in these instances, right?  And it wouldn't make any difference if you call her bluff or not, she WILL find something to attack you with.  BUT...if you do call her bluff more often, and the authorities (LE, CPS, or whomever) get involved, sooner or later they will get tired of her crap.

I'm in EMS and we have a name for people like her....frequent flyers.  They call over and over complaining of something.  It's like 'crying wolf', if you know what I mean.  The big difference in cases like this is that there is a child involved, so no matter how much they would like to ignore her because she's wasted their resources so often, they can't.  But the documentation in all this is invaluable in court.  I've even heard instances where the authorites were so fed up with a parent pulling this crap, they actually suggest to the other parent they might want to consider going to court with it and let the judge decide if this is truly to the benefit of the child.  And we all know the answer to that one.

In all this, there's two issues going on, she throwing her weight around to maintain control over you and you attempting to keep her honest regarding the CO.  And one has a direct effect on the other........her toeing the line with the CO lessens her control.  Just remember, you have many years to deal with this and what happens now dictates how the rest of the years go.  So it's up to you as to how much you're willing to put up with.

She's a bully...pure and simple.  Once you start standing up for yourself and your child, she will probably pitch a fit even more.  But once she realizes that you won't roll over and play dead for her, it takes all the fun out of her game.  It's a matter of perspective........

[MrCustodyCoach]

You enforce it, every single time, by filing a petition for contempt when she violates it.  It may not get her in trouble the first, or second, or third time... but eventually, once you've established a pattern of behavior, someone is going to have to sit up and take notice or end up in trouble for their inaction.

You would be surprised how quickly threats diminish when you stand up to an abusive, bullying ex-partner.  Their power is gone when you realize there isn't anything she can do when you've done nothing wrong.  You don't appear to have established that reality for her yet.