New here... Need direction desperately

[jackson1]

Hi,
I hope I am doing this correctly. I am at the breaking point. For almost 4 years, I have stayed with (undiagnosed, but positively,) Borderline Personality Disorder wife. We have an almost 4 yr. old daughter, who is a miracle and gift from heaven. Long story, received a brain trauma in auto accident, and was not expected to live, (at 3 weeks old.) Daughter is so wonderful and doing normal at this point.

I absolutely see huge and more and more frequent signs of mental child abuse, with some physical abuse. It has been ever so subtle and not something that can be documented. I am in Ca and secret recording is illegal. My 3 yr. old has been slapping all of us across the face very hard, breaking down and saying,"Mom hit me so hard, so hard...",  Her speech is not clear always, but it's clear enough. We have all been aware of not asking her questions which could possibly plant false memories.

All that she says, just comes out at different times. Last night I pick her up from my moms house. She only wants to go over there and play with grandma, aunties, and all the animals. As usual, my wife called, (she does this for "show") in public she is "mother of the year." I have gone on doing anything to prevent conflict. I'm sure I need therapy too. I just can't stand to listen to the yelling, crying, and rages 24/7. Will not constantly expose daughter to it either. She called, and asks to speak to daughter, (she is at work,) can stay at home, but always wants more money.

Daughter gets on phone, walks around like she does, talking; gives me the phone back, and proceeds to break down into the most heartwrenching, to the soul, sobbing that you can imagine. Wife starts yelling at me as to why? I say that I don't know why. Nobody here has said or suggested anything about wife. Nobody here is out to "get" wife. We all want daughter to be able to have a mother.

We have tried EVERYTHING. It's not to be. So, my daughter chokes out, "My tummy hurts, I need to go poo-poo..." My mom takes her to the BR. My mom asks her why she is so sad. She drops her little head and points to her chest. My mom asks again and she points to her own chest again. (?) She passes a little diarrhea and then we try desperately to cheer her up, to no avail. Wife then again, demands to talk to her. We give her the phone, she does not cry and answers questions. Then as soon as she gives the phone back to me, she breaks down into heaving sobs again.

My mom again asks her what's wrong. She just says "Mommy". Then she takes forever to come out of it, which is unlike her. My sisters and mom don't want her to not have a mother, (even not a great mother would be ok). There is no hope. We have been through so much, and I cannot leave the marriage and end up leaving daughter with a joint custody order. I don't know where to turn. I honestly fear for my daughter's life at times. I seem to be wife's obsession and "property" and if I leave, she will quite possibly take her rage out on daughter.

I feel that she is mentally ill for sure, but so was Jeffery Dahmer. I can't "fix" my wife because she (according to her,) she has no problems. My thought and question is: Can I hire an evaluator to evaluate all 3 of us? If I tell her that I am leaving, no discussion, unless we all get evaluations, I believe she will agree. Once the evaluator sees our daughter for 2 min., I am sure she/he will see big signs of abuse. That way, I will have some leverage when I get to court later. My family and I are not educated in psychology whatsoever, but these signs of abuse seem so textbook.

I apologize for the length of this. I could write a book. I've never seen this situation in a horror movie or talk show.

We are heartbroken that this has gone on too long already. I just started out needing to be sure that she (daughter,) would not lose a mother because of me. I was willing to stay in the insanity for many years and be loving, if it meant that my wife would love her own daughter. Now, I believe, she most likely hates her own daughter. She only uses her for attention and as a pawn.

Can I just hire an evaluator? An impartial evaluator that will do a true and honest evaluation? Or, what can my next move be to insure that my daughter will not be a whipping post? Should I call CPS and say that my wife is abusive and I can't document it but we need help and an evaluation? She will without a doubt, accuse me of everything under the sun, but I have read that the "pros" have ways of seeing the truth.

Any suggestions would be deeply appreciated. Again, I'm sorry about the length. I know that we all have very important issues. I will try to help others as much as possible, when possible.

I am on my parents computer, needless to say. I am watched (without reason) and checked on every minute of every day. I am VERY abused, but will deal with all that after daughter is safe. I have lost good, decent friends, and any normal life. She has brought slime people into our lives. She only can keep a couple of "friends" that she feels superior to. They are horrible mothers and she actually counsels them! She is so poisonous and evil.

An attorney is too expensive right now, (I did that 2 yrs ago and it was well over 2000.00.) I actually felt sorry for her, and went back like a fool. She was ordered to take parenting classes which was a joke. I went back for our daughter and felt sorry for wife, and it's the biggest mistake of my life. I am now 25 and feel 90.

[snowrose]

I'm guessing but I think the reason the child was pointing to her chest was because Mom said things that made her heart ache.  Could be that she was saying something like "I'm not with you.  Don't you miss me?  I miss you so much it hurts" or something like that.  Bparents who use PAS do this sort of thing all the time to tie the child to them.

Any chance that you could go for counseling with your wife, and then quietly talk to the counselor and ask for help with a diagnosis of your wife?

Hmmm...  Just throwing various things out there for you to think about and way versus your situation.

CPS is there to help you when you can't help yourself.  Perhaps you could go into the local office and ask for help?  They might be able to suggest resources and a way that you can begin to insulate your daughter from what BM has been doing.

Seriously though, the very best thing you can do for the child is to file for divorce and custody before BM suspects what you're doing.  Statistics have shown that in a divorce situation, as long as one of a child's two homes is normal that the child will turn out normal.

I mean, think about it.  If the child were being beaten by BM, wouldn't you get her out of there?  Well, believe me.  The emotional beating that child is taking is just as bad as any physical beating she could receive that still left her alive.

[ocean]

The next time you suspect "abuse" or when daughter is with you, I would call the police and file charges. Then file a restraining order and custody.
Find out the law about taping phone calls. Some states you can, others you have to tell her. So tell her, child is upset when she talks to you so all future phone calls will be taped.  I would even tape the first one just to see what is going on. I would also limit the time the child is available to talk since it is upsetting to her. Stop answering the phone. Let it go to voicemail. One phone call after dinner would be good (not before bed since it seems to upset her) and that is it. If she keeps upsetting her, then pull that too.

Do you have visitation schedule set up now? Is it through the courts?
This will be very hard to win since it is "emotional" abuse so that is why a counselor would be good. Start taking child on your time for the first few visits. Interview some people first and see if they are willing to do this for you child. Tell the situation and that you want help for you and your child. If this goes to court, ask for counseling for child (and family).

[Kitty C.]

You said:

'We all want daughter to be able to have a mother.'

'My sisters and mom don't want her to not have a mother, (even not a great mother would be ok).'

'I just started out needing to be sure that she (daughter,) would not lose a mother because of me.  I was willing to stay in the insanity for many years and be loving, if it meant that my wife would love her own daughter.'

But you also said:

'I absolutely see huge and more and more frequent signs of mental child abuse, with some physical abuse.'

'I honestly fear for my daughter's life at times.'

'She has brought slime people into our lives. She only can keep a couple of "friends" that she feels superior to. They are horrible mothers and she actually counsels them! She is so poisonous and evil.'

So I ask you this:  is it SO important that your child have a mother as to risk her very physical and emotional wellbeing??  I believe the answer is no.  I agree with ocean.....call the police, get a temp. restraining order, and protect your child at all costs.  You can tape conversations in ANY state that only allows 2 person notification as long as you tell her ALL calls will be recorded in the future.  After that, it's up to her and if she continues to call, she is giving 'implied consent' to being recorded without ever outright saying so.  Even if she says you can't, tell her you can and if she still chooses to call, she is accepting that risk.   Beg, borrow, or plead if you have to, but money should be no object compared to saving the life of your child.

[snowrose]

The next time you suspect "abuse" or when daughter is with you, I would call the police and file charges. Then file a restraining order and custody.
Find out the law about taping phone calls. Some states you can, others you have to tell her. So tell her, child is upset when she talks to you so all future phone calls will be taped.  I would even tape the first one just to see what is going on. I would also limit the time the child is available to talk since it is upsetting to her. Stop answering the phone. Let it go to voicemail. One phone call after dinner would be good (not before bed since it seems to upset her) and that is it. If she keeps upsetting her, then pull that too.

Ocean, I think the OP was saying that he is still living with and married to the child's mother.

BTW, CA does require that all parties must be informed of taped phone calls.  (OTOH, there's no reason you can't listen in on the phone calls on another phone.  A judge would at least listen to what you report about phone calls from the mother and what she says that disturbs the child.)

[Kitty C.]

'BTW, CA does require that all parties must be informed of taped phone calls.'

The operative words here are 'must be informed', meaning all you have to do is SAY you will be recording....if the other party says they choose not to be, then I guess they also choose to NOT call.  BUT.......if they call after being told they will be recorded, they are giving 'implied consent' to being recorded.

If she is 'informed' that all future calls will be recorded and she still chooses to call after that, it is her choice...no one is twisting her arm or holding a gun to her head to call.  And I would think that recording calls would be more beneficial than just listening in, because only listening is your word against the BM, whereas with recordings there is no doubt.  Just make sure you get them legally transcribed by an objective third party or have the ability to replay them in court, depending on how the court allows you to present it.  In this case, I would push for replaying, because it's hard to convey emotion in a transcription.

[Davy]

Jackson .... your little girl may have suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and if so may react wildly to the slightest emotional abuse.  According to my brain surgeon's nurse TBI is a silent injury since it can not be seen and told me "she would put a bandaid on my forehead if I needed to be reminded".  The brain contols all bodily functions.   Common sense  may dictate an injury to a three week old would be more severe than say a 23 year old. 

TBI medical research indicates that TBI impacts other family members so both you and mom could be directly affected.

IMHO, you may CONSIDER seeking medical and/or mental health assistance/resolution by ONLY focusing on your daughter needs. If mommy dearest has separate problems they will surely be brought forwar especially when you and others (ie your mom & sisters) are honest with relevant facts.  The professionals should know what to do if mommy dearest needs to be restricted with other authorities.

BTW, if you think tape recordings are necessary then RECORD away privately.  The recordings may be prohibited for submission to a court but can be used to present to others in order to substantiate .. first hand ... your daughter's need for assistance.  This is the critical need.

Your mindset and the mindset of all family members should be to protect this child no matter what.  Whatever, do not leave home without her.

[Kitty C.]

VERY GOOD advice, Davy.......definitely something to consider.  I would also strongly recommend researching this.........

[gemini3]

Excellent advice Davy!  I was thinking the exact same thing regarding TBI.

As far as BPD... you should get in touch with MrCustodyCoach.  He has an excellent blog detailing his journey through divorce with a BPD, and you can get lots of information there.  His blog is www.thepsychoexwife.com (http://www.thepsychoexwife.com).  He is also on this board.

You can also get a set of CD's from BPD central called "You Are My World", which is a discussion by several experts about how a BPD reacts when faced with divorce/custody litigation.  If your wife is BPD (and we can only guess without formal diagnosis), fear of abandonment is their primary motivator, and they will do anything to stop it.  "Anything" usually manifests in the form of false allegations and alienation.  So you need to be prepared to handle this when it comes.

As far as a psych eval, it is unlikely that you'll get a good diagnosis from a counselor.  Many LCSW's and LPC's are not trained to diagnose or treat BPD, and many of them will not recgnize it when it's sitting on their couch.  You will need a Clinical Psychologist for the diagnosis of a personality disorder, and most of them don't to family or marital counseling.  You can ask for a psych eval as part of your custody hearing.

You mentioned that you are being abused, and I want to address that.  Your well being is critical to the well being of your child.  You must take care of yourself and protect yourself in order to be able to do the same for your child.  I commend you for taking the brave step of admitting that you are suffering abuse, because I know how difficult that is.  I urge you to seek help for yourself through counseling.  The better you are the better you will be able to help your daughter.  Look around and see if there are any DV shelters in your area for men, or that accept men.  If you don't want to go to a shelter you can still take advantage of any group counseling that is offered.

I am hesitant to suggest going to the police or asking for a restraining order because the sad reality is that it can backfire when your the man.  Better to take steps to get out.

Start keeping a journal.  In it you should note things that you do to parent your child - such as taking her to the doctor, dentists, babysitter, rehab specialist, etc.  Note when you take her to visit your family.  Note when you take her to school or meet with her teachers.  Note whether or not your wife is present.  Note the kinds of incidents you describe in your post.  Also note any abuse that you witness, or that you suffer.  Try to keep your tone as neutral as possible.  You will use this when you meet with the custody evaluator.

Does your wife work?  Do you?  Does she have family nearby?