Pre-judged case

[drake33]

I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my recently turned 2 daugher with my ex-wife.  She recently brought a second case for full custody in less than 2 years.  The first case resulted in the aforementioned agreement.  Now she is claiming that we cannot communicate well enought to parent our daughter together.  Our daughter is thriving!  I have a strong best interest of the child case because I am self-employed (flexible hours), work from home, have family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) in the immediate area, own my home (three bedrooms), etc.   My ex-wife, by contrast, works for a company, works outside the home, does not have any family nearby (they live in NC!), rents an apartment (1 bedroom).  She lives in Manhattan; I live in Westchester.  The public school where I live is vastly better than the one where she lives.

Nevertheless, the judge has signaled in an off the record conference with the attorneys (hers and mine) and the law guardian that he is giving full custody (legal and physical) to my ex-wife.  The reason stated is because our child is a girl and my ex is the mom.

The fact-finding hearing has begun and my ex-wife's attorney has called me as the first witness.  I've been on the stand for three 1/2 days.

I don't want to loose legal and physical custody of my daughter and I am being pressured to accept terms which have been dictated by the court.  They are: sole legal custody to the mother with the sharing of time with our daughter at almost 50%-50%.  Because my ex relocated to Manhattan from Westchester, in defiance of a cour order from the first case I might add, we live about 45 minutes apart without traffic.  Thus, in order to maintain the nearly 50-50, we would have to send her to a private school middway with a total cost of about $30,000 per year.  I cannot afford child support, which she is insisting on having, and half of the tuition.

What shall I do?  My attorney is pressuring me to settle.

[asof2005]

I know its tough, but I wouldn't settle.  Can you get another lawyer?

[gemini3]

It sounds like you need a new attorney.  What is your ex using as her change in circumstance?

[Davy]

It appears something in your case is out of whack.  Your attorney allows you to be questioned for 3.5  days  in a fact-finding change of custody hearing for one two year old.  Wow !  Especially when the complaint is a communication problem on her part. 

State District court ?  CPS Court ?  Kangaroo ?  U.S ?   What kind of court ?

[drake33]

I spoke to another lawyer today.  He provided me with the same advice.  Don't settle; it's way too early in the case

In the interest of fuller disclosure, I'm not entirely without fault.  My ex-wife and I were instructed by the forensic psychologist during the first custody matter, which began three weeks after our daughter was born, to use a web-based computer program called Our Family Wizard for communication purposes.  My ex-wife stopped using the program in October 2008, claiming that she could not afford it.  (The cost is a little over $7.00 per month!)  She wanted to communicate by e-mail instead.  I was adamantly opposed to this change so I communicated with her by facsimile instead and she reciprocated.  We would exchange basic information about our daughter during exchanges; but, any substantive communication was conducted in writing.  The law guardian has since faulted me for blocking her e-mails.

The law guardian also appointed a parenting coordinator to help us resolve issues - a parenting coordinator is essentially a mediator.  The problem with her first appointment was that our agreement specifically called for a child specialist, which she was not.  When I identified this issue with the parenting coordinator, she proceeded to report me to the law guardian for not providing adequate health care to my daughter, based on nothing more than an allegation made by my ex-wife.  Fortunately, my previous attorney was able to diffuse this situation, but she was unable to convince the law guardian to make another appointment.  My ex-wife and I were simply instructed by the law guardian to find someone on our own.

A few months later, my ex-wife made another allegation.  She claimed that I wasn't cleaning our daughter properly such that she was finding feces in her vaginal canal.  She even tried to show me how to clean it by scooping things out.  I refused to engage in this activity, fearing that it would lead to a charge of molestation or something like that.  So I asked my neighbor and child care provider, both moms with daughters, to check our daughter for any problems.  None were found.  I also asked the pediatrician and he said that if there were any problems, she would have an infection.  Again, nothing.

By this time, I was deeply suspicious of both my ex-wife, who was using any information that I would provide to her against me, and of the mediation process.  I conducted some research and identify a guy who might be able to assist us, nonetheless.  He, regrettably, dismissed my concerns about my ex-wife's allegations and seemed a little too cavalier.  I suggested that we apply elements of parallel parenting for my personal safety if my ex-wife continued to make allegations against me.  He refused to consider this option and declined to work with us in or around March 2009.

In or around April 2009, my ex-wife accused my then day-care provider of abusing our daughter.  Sensing, which was later confirmed, that I was about to loose my day care, I wrote a letter to my day care provider, instructing her not to communicate with my ex-wife.  I did not know what else to do to save my daughter's daycare.  Apparently, this letter was a big mistake because I didn't have the authority to do so.  Other transgressions on my part include not adding my ex-wife's name as an emergency contact.

Finally, back in September 2008, I had my daughter Baptized.  My ex-wife initially agreed and then changed her mind, claiming that she wanted our daughter Baptized in a non-denominational ceremony.  I had initially invited her and her family and friends, but she and her family declined and none of her friends responded save one.  Not quite sure what a non-denominational Baptism looks like.  Also, did I mention that my ex is an Atheist who suddenly found God within six weeks of relocating to Manhattan from Westchester


P.S.  Sorry about the spelling mistakes in my first post!

[MrCustodyCoach]

Don't settle!  Settling means NO chance of having a bad ruling overturned on appeal.

There are no provable grounds by which the judge should be making a change in the custodial arrangement.  Your attorney is giving you bad advice.

[snowrose]

Erm, finding feces in the vaginal canal?  What in the world is she doing wiping around in there, anyhow?  There's supposed to be a hymen at least partially covering that area and she should keep her fingers out of there.

If I were you, I would seriously keep that little discussion documented and also let my attorney know about it.

As for cleaning a baby girl - with poop you wipe from the front to the back.  Never wipe forward. 

[gemini3]

So what's the change of circumstance for this new request for a custody change?  If there is no change you can have the whole thing thrown out without even getting into the nitty-gritty.