Won't let me see daughter

[ktjerard]

Recently broke up with my girlfriend. We have a two month old daughter. She will not allow me to see her and am looking for advice on where to begin the process to resolve this situation in an amicable way. Any advice, websites, steps, guidelines etc would be much appreciated. Thanks

[ocean]

You need to go to family court and have paternity established and custody/parenting plans made. You can file yourself for paternity and joint custody of the child. Then the courts will decided on a schedule of when the baby is with who. Read this website and ask questions. There are many parenting plans and schedules. Since this mother is not allowing you to see child, your plan needs to be as detailed as possible so no one is confused as to who has baby when.

At the same time she will probably ask for child support to start. Each state is different but it goes by a formula. Most states have it online plus if you take child more or 50/50 you may be able to have that reduced. Any money you give her now is considered a gift so be careful if you start before court.

Take a parenting and infant CPR course. It will be good for you and look good at court. Many libraries offer the classes at reduced rates...(local hospitals too).

Is she not talking to you at all? Do you have her email? You can try an email or letter to the house that states you want a relationship with child and want to work together to make a parenting plan that you both like. But if you dont hear from her by XX you will have the courts decide.

[NYParent]

Welcome ktjerar!

Sorry about the situation you're going through.....we've all been there at one point or another and some of us are still going through it one way or another.


Given that BM (birth mom) is keeping the child away from you it sounds like there's no amicable way for you to solve this.  In her mind, because you are no longer with her (for whatever reason) you do not deserve to be in your daughter's life.  Another thing is she's probably using your DD (darling daughter) as a way to ensure you come back to her.  There's no way to be reasonable with a person like that.

In my opinion you should not even send her a letter stating that if you don't hear from her by a certain date you're going to take her to court.  I think she'll just turn around and go file herself.  It is important that you file first as the courts will see that you are serious about having a relationship with your daughter.  Also that way you'll always be the petitioner and she'll be the respondent in all legal paperwork.  So I would suggest that you go on Monday if possible and file something with the courts.  The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll have access to DD.  I don't know where you live, but here in NY there are no filing fees.  You can even represent yourself as long as you're willing to do the research.  The first time around when I got my parenting plan set I didn't spend a dime.

She will file for child support, but that's good.  Any money you send to her should be court ordered.  Plus this will ensure that your baby has what she needs to be taken care of properly.  Also, by doing it early the back-pay will not be astronomical.

I would also suggest your try to limit all contact with BM to written now....e-mail is great.  This way there's always a paper trail of what was said.  Watch what you say over the phone as she may be recording you.  You might want to look at your state laws about recording and use that option when talking on the phone.

Do you live near BM?  If so you should file for joint legal and physical custody.  It's very likely that they will not give you joint physical because she's a baby and she needs BM, but maybe you can work something out with the court stating that you get frequent visitation and then by a certain age both parents will share joint physical custody of DD.

I would also make sure that your living situation is one that the courts will find favorable for you to take your daughter to.  Buy your own supplies (car seat, clothing, a place for her to sleep, some clothing, bottles, etc.)  This will cut down on having to ask BM to borrow things (which brings problems) and will look favorable to you in court.  You don't have to go crazy right now....just go little by little.  There are going to be a lot of sales going on right now, take advantage of them.

Go here http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php and read out sample parenting agreements.  Most importantly make sure that the plan is detailed (very detailed).  Has exact dates and times for visitation.  Where will the exchange take place.  Document everything that's been going on.....since now.  This is going to be very valuable to you in court.  Make a journal, write your attempts to see DD (date and time) and what the outcome.

Read old and new posts here.....they help tremendously and don't be afraid to reach out for help here.  We're all here to get help and to help as much as you can.  Also know that this take a big toll emotionally....you'll have good days and you'll have bad days....but always stay focus on your daughter.

[ktjerard]

Thank you those who responded very much. Already know twice as much as i did. Some of those steps i have already taken. For instance i won't talk to her on the phone instead send text messages which i can upload to my online phone account and print/save etc. And i do not give her any cash, instead ask what she needs and buy it myself saving the receipts. Already have most items needed to support my daughter at my place of residence. Until two weeks ago when our relationship dissolved completely i could see her and have her almost any time that i wanted to. Again tho, any information or advice is still very appreciated. Thank you all. 

[ocean]

Receipts wont matter...it will be considered gifts you have her. If she really needs the money, then give her money orders with the word child support written on it (or checks) and see if she will sign something when she receives it , "I, xxx,  accept this money as child support for xxx  for the week of XXX" and have her sign it. If she wont sign, no money until court order.
Better to put into an account and wait for them to tell you how much and set up an account.

[NYParent]

I was told by the child support office that even if you give BM a check and write child support for xxx, it still doesn't count.  My attorney told me the same thing.  The best thing is to do is open a separate account and put the money there so that when there's a court ordered support, then you have the money there.

However, if in the meantime she need formula or something like that, by all means buy it.

[asof2005]

yeah, money/check/money order with a receipt does not count where we are at either.  i agree with the others, buy things, like formula and diapers and maybe put some money away for when they do take support.  try for at least 50/50 because if you go in there and just accept everyother weekend, it will be very hard to change it down the road.

[ktjerard]

Yes i never hesitate to get whatever she needs for my DD. And honestly It really doesnt matter if counts toward future child support or not. My concern with saving receipts or just giving her money without record is for the courts. If she tries to say i have not contributed any assistance since our breakup, i want a paper trail that proves otherwise.