Thinking about moving

[stressedoutmom]

Hi All,
I am hoping that you guys can do what you do best and help me see things from all sides and bringing up things that I haven't thought of.  Here's the situation:
My father passed away unexpectedly about 3 weeks ago.  I'm working through my own grief issues, trying to help DD work through hers and trying to make sure my mom is ok all at the same time.  My parents live about 45 minutes away from where I live so I've been doing a lot of back and forth.  Not only do I worry about my mom emotionally I worry she will not be able to make it on her own financially.  My parents were together for over 30 years but were never legally married so she does not get any of his railroad retirement.  Nebraska does not recognize common law marriage.  I don't get it either since I am too old to be his dependent.  My mom has a $10/hr job and I worry about her being able to make ends meet.  So I have been thinking about DD and I moving back home to help out.  My entire family lives there so it would also give DD a chance to see her cousins and extended family more.  My issue is that BF lives in the city I currently live in and I'm not sure moving DD 45 mins away from BF is the right thing to do.  Right now DD and I live 6 blocks away from BF.  Our decree says that I can move anywhere with in the state and he can't do anything about it.  Just because he can't stop me doesn't mean its the right thing to do.  He has really been wonderful through the past few weeks with cancelling and rescheduling visits sometimes at the last minute.  He and I seem to be working together really well right now.  Now that my dad is gone BF is the positive male role model in DD's life and I hate to take her 45 minutes away from that.  I know that 45 minutes is nothing compared to the distances some of you travel to see your kids.  And its not far just far enough to make things inconvenient.  I think that in order for us to make it work, BF and I would both have to be committed.  I question how committed he would be when it would require more of an effort.  I would like to think that we could make it work but he didn't want to put in the effort at Thanksgiving so I'm a little skeptical.  Our decree says that we split Thanksgiving day.  So I suggested that since DD and I were going to be at my parents house that BF and I meet half way in between for pick up/drop off.  BF said he didn't want to do that because by the time he picked BF up and took her to his mom's and then had to leave to meet me to drop off they wouldn't have much time together.  I wasn't sure what that was about because I suggested we meet at 2 in the afternoon plus DD didn't have school the next day so I was leaving the drop off time totally up to him.  So I'm hesitant in thinking that we could make it work.  I really want to do what's best for everyone.  DD will be starting school in the fall so she will have to make new friends anyway since none of the kids at her preschool will be going to her kindergarten.  I'm not making any decisions now but its definately something I am thinking about.  And I would never do it without talkiing to BF first.  But I'm sure there is something I am not thinking about and you all will help me to see it. 
What are your thoughts??
Being in the sandwish generation where you have to take care of your kids and your parents sure isn't fun.

[ocean]

45 minutes is not bad at all...

Offer to meet half way and give a little more time on weekends...maybe a little earlier on pick up if you can do it (or offer he can get her at the new school if he can...and then drop off on Sunday can be a little later...8pm?)

Most of the other things can stay the same...holiday schedule, summer schedule...(what do you have for summer on paper? You can do every other week or half the summer, he should be getting at the very least three weeks...and keep the every other weekend unless you change it to summer weeks.)

Does he have mid week visits now? Go through the rest of the school days off and offer him the three day weekends instead...offer any day he wants to make the trip after school for dinner, library, park visit? Depending on the age and how early he gets off of work, he can even take her home and bring her back.

If it goes to court, you will have to do most of the driving or at the very least a half way point....

Is there a reason mom can not move in with you instead or another family member? Sounds like he is involved and very close so it wont influentially go over well.

[stressedoutmom]

I haven't talked to him about it yet.  I haven't even decided yet for sure if we are going to move.  Its just something that I'm thinking about.  My mom doesn't know anyone in my town except for DD and I.  So in that aspect I would hate to have mom move away from part of her support system.  I have friends in both places and DD is going to have to make new friends when she goes to kindergarten anyway.  So I just want to make sure if we decide to move that we do it before DD starts kindergarten so she doesn't have to start school and then switch schools.  Plus we could just move in to my parents house which is mostly paid for so it would be financially beneficial both ways.  Our decree says 1 evening per week and e/o weekend or equivalent days dependent on his work schedule.  He has a rotating schedule so he can't always have the same night each week and his schedule is that he works 24 hr shifts so sometimes he is only off 1 day of the weekend depending on how his set falls.  Decree also says he gets 2 weeks in the summer.  He usually will email me at the beginning of the month with days that he is available and we work out the schedule from there on a monthly basis.  Right now he is not having overnight visits.  I am not opposed to overnight visits at all and have told him on numerous occasions to let me know when he is ready for overnights and we will put them on the schedule.  So right now DD usually sees him at least one night during the week and usually at least 1 day on the weekend and sometimes its 2 nights during the week or both weekend days.  It just depends on his schedule but I think it works out to be 4 days in a 2 week period which is what it would be if he did 1 night a week plus e/o weekend.  Its just that sometimes its 2 nights instead of some of the weekend time.  He hasn't taken her for 2 weeks in the summer since he hasn't done any overnights.  I would have no problem meeting 1/2 way.  The days that he sees DD he doesn't have to work so he would probably be able to pick her up from school earlier than I would be able to pick her up and meet him half way.  So if he picked her up from school and brought her to his house I would have no problem picking her up from there.  I recognize that she needs him and I would want to do what I can to make it work.  I think that maybe I just need to sit down with him and let him know that moving is something that I'm thinking about and get his input and opinions.  I'm sure he doesn't want us to move.  I admit we are spoiled living only 6 blocks from one another because its so easy and convenient.  I want to make the decision with a clear head so I don't want to do anything spur of the moment without thinking it all the way through.  Dad did have some life insurance and some other things that mom is the beneficiary for so she is ok financially for a while.  So I want to look at all angles. 

[sillystring]

It sounds like you are being very reasonable. I would talk about it with him and get a feel for how he feels about it.

One night a week and EOWE is still very do-able with a 45 minute drive.