new here, need advice

[good_dad]

In september 2010, i filed for divorce after my wife came home from work, packed her bags, took our kids, and left.  no abuse, nothing like that.  i called police after she said she was leaving with the kids, and they allowed her to take them as there was nothing yet filed.  The next day i filed for divorce, and requested temporary custody of my kids. 

a few days later, a rule 11 agreement was filed that gave me the kids for the weekend.  Nothing else was stated in the agreement.  Our attorneys were thinking we'd come to a temporary agreement by the following monday, which didn't happen. 
She began refusing me time to see the kids stating that "the rule 11 agreement only gave you that weekend with the kids, nothing else... i have full custody".   long story short, with no agreement in place, nothing could be done.  so, reluctantly, about a week later i signed a temporary agreement.  it split time about 60/40 in her favor, and i'm paying support, she is primary. 

been waiting for 5 months for ANYTHING to happen.  Ended up firing my lawyer for not doing his job, and hired a new one.  mediation is now set for the end of this month.  old lawyer never even requested it, even after my REPEATED requests.

I'm trying to establish ANYTHING i can use in my favor to get me noted as primary, and try to get 50/50 time with my kids.  I would like primary as i have been the primary caretaker of my kids, and I live in their school district.  she moved to another district, and the district will make them change schools based on our decree.  if she won't agree to that, i'd like to reverse the temporary orders in my favor.  NOTHING to do with child support.  i have no problem continuing to pay her what we agreed to.

I have a list of some items, including her failure to notify me of things, consulting about extracurricular activities that are on MY parenting time, notifying me of counseling sessions going on with the kids, etc.  not much to stand on right now, besides her unwilingness to co-parent with me. 

Just now I tried to contact the kid's counselor for an update on their sessions, which i had been included in on in the past.  we were rotating bringing the kids to their sessions.  all of a sudden it stopped, so i called the counselor for an update.  She stated that she had received a letter from my stbx's attorney stating that i am not to be included in their sessions anymore.  I informed her of my court order stating i have the right to consult doctors, etc, and she finally agreed to let me "see their folders", but said i was "blowing this out of proportion".  REALLY???  my kids are seeing a counselor and i want to know why.   

anyways, i'm just wanting any input on things that i should be noting, or bringing into the mediation setting that may help me out.

[RoosterC]

any way you can demand, via your lawyer, a copy of that letter stating youre not to be included in counseling?
...lawyers have a funny way of asking that gets results we cant seem to obtain.
and, since Im in a similar boat, I hope youre mistaken about tangible refusals to co-parent, my lawyer certainly thinks they are not small things. Document ANY way you can.
Also, from all Ive been told here in PA, judges hate to change school districts, a definite plus!

[ocean]

School will be a big one. At next court hearing, make sure you lawyer tried to get a court answer to that...offer her 3 weekends a month and a day or two after school but the kids will remain in CURRENT school district. Is she close enough you can do the 50/50 (either one week on, one week off...or give her longer weekends...Fri after-school until MOnday morning ..drop off at school)? Offer her same child support ...(for now...you can get downward modification later if it really goes to 50/50.

Did you get a letter from the school stating they will remove children after end of this year? Lawyer may be able to file something on that as an emergency basis since the school is asking for documentation of a parent living in their school district lines.

Send a letter to counselor in writing and try to do things in writing/email to counselor. Ask to set up your own appointment while kids are in your care. Have the counselor either do it under children OR do it under YOU.

"After talking to you on XXX, I am requesting in writing all records from my children X and Y. Please include a copy of letter you received from lawyer denying my access to these records. I am enclosing and highlighting the court order allowing me as their father full access to their medical records. I would also like to set up an appointment for you to do a few sessions on family counseling with the kids and I to make sure we are all on the same page. I have parenting time with them and can bring them on XXX(tuesday). Please let me know when we can schedule an appointment."

Where is she living? DO they have their own beds/rooms?

[good_dad]

thanks for the response.

She moved out and for the first 2-3 months after i filed for divorce she was living with her grandparents in town.  In november she purchased a house that is literally 2-3 miles from me.  I live within 500 yds of their school, but she is in a different district now.

yes, they have their own bedrooms, but the house is tiny.  not in the greatest neighborhood either. 

my big worry is that since the status quo has already been established, that the judge will not change anything if it goes that far.  we are scheduled for mediation in a couple weeks, but i have no idea what to expect.  from what i've found out, she's already filed a proposed division of assets and liabilities with the courts and it appears that she doesn't want ANYTHING else.  she got a bunch of stuff a couple months ago, but really not much. 

at first she didn't want to go to mediation, and we were scheduled to go to court on a mediation hearing.  (basically to tell us to go to mediation) and then a couple weeks later i find out her lawyer accepted it. 

all i want is 50/50 with me as the primary.  i'll keep paying her what we already have agreed upon... i have no problem with that. 
i just want to see my kids an equal amount of time.  they keep asking "when do we get to stay with you 6 days daddy?" and they get reall yupset.  This morning was my last day of the weekend with them, and when i dropped them off at school my daughter was crying.  I asked what was wrong and she said "i'm going to miss you daddy and i want to stay one more day at your house". 

The kids are seeing it...  I do whatever i can to avoid conversations with them about time split, but they ask ALL the time.

[ocean]

Maybe see how the mediation goes....and then file for emergency hearing on the school issue, that mom can not pull children from school district (emergency restraining order in some places to keep kids in current school district...this will stop the school from kicking them out...).

Have you wrote that all out and see if she agrees to some of it?
Maybe send her an email:

EX,
I know we have mediation scheduled for XXX. I was thinking maybe we can agree to some of the things below and then talk the rest out in mediation. Here is what I am looking for in the order. Please tell me which numbered lines you agree with and which ones you do not with possible changes.

(Then list...and start with a few you know she will allow, and put a few inbetween the big issues)

Number them.

1. Joint custody with me paying you XX child support in the amount of XX per month.

2. Split custody but we will use my address so kids to not change schools/friends next year.
(Detail this...every other week?)

3. Mother will have mother's day weekend from Fri after school until Monday morning, Father, same for father's day weekend.

4. Summers- What happens

5. Holidays- Even years- Mother gets following : list them
            Odd years- Mother gets:....

6. Mothers birthday- Be with mother after school (or 9am on non-school days) until the following day 9am or to school in am (same for father's birthday)

7. Kids birthday- ?

8...keep going...or maybe just go to 10 right now...and see what that does...

[sillystring]

I think you should stop focusing on the 'primary' aspect so much. My husband was caught up on that too. We just had mediation (after a year and a half of therapy, custody evaluation and forensic evaluation) and our lawyer told him that with 50/50 custody, neither parent can be 'primary' since primary only states who has the child more of the time - which neither parent does. So what my husband got instead was joint legal and physical custody with final say over education decisions, medical decisions, and extracurricular activities (mother was given final say over religious decisions due to her inability to coparent in the other three areas). Since he has final say over education, DSD gets to go to school in our school district.

I like what ocean wrote up - obviously it probably needs to go through the attorneys. I would definitely make sure that your attorney gets this in front of the judge before school starts.