Help

[jcwarren4384]

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now(been together for over 2yrs) and he has 2 children (2 different mothers).  We are having some difficulty with both mothers.

First, there is my 5 year old stepson.  He has lived with my husband since he was born (except for about one month when he was 4 or 5 months old).  The mother refuses to give my husband custody and does not have him on the birth certificate.  She DOES NOT provide any type of support for my stepson.  She rarely sees or calls my stepson.  On the rare occassion that she does ask to see him, she doesn't keep him for long.  She is usually calling the next day for us to come pick him up.  My husband has asked her several times to come to family court with us to file the custody paperwork and she refuses.  She feels like that is giving up her rights as the mother.  As I have stated to her, that is not the case.  We have told her that we need this paperwork to be able to enroll my stepson in school and most importantly, to get him emergency medical treatment if necessary.  Without that paperwork, a hospital will only stablize him until his custodial parent or legal guardian gives authorization for anything else.  After hearing all of that, she still refuses and has the audacity to ask, "When are you going to enroll him in school? Because he needs to be in school."  She doesn't want to pay child support (because she doesn't have a job) and she just doesn't want the responsibility of raising this child.  She sends nothing for his birthday, Christmas or any other time.


Second, there is my 3 year old stepdaughter.  My husband did not know that this child was his until last year.  He knew that the mother was pregnant, but she told him that the baby was not his child.  When we found out, I devastated (I'm sure he was too), since this woman is his father's cousin's daughter (his 3rd cousin).  Nonetheless, the child is here and we have to deal with it.  The mother doesn't give my husband  the visitation that works for both parties.  She only wants him to see his daughter when it's suitable for her.  She makes EVERYTHING difficult.  She doesn't want to accept the amount of money that we can afford to send for child support.  We have also asked her to come to family court to file visitation and she refuses.


PLEASE, give me some advice on how to deal with these situations without things getting messy.

[Kitty C.]

'My husband has asked her several times to come to family court with us to file the custody paperwork and she refuses.'

' We have also asked her to come to family court to file visitation and she refuses.'

I have never heard of one parent 'asking' the other to come to court and that parent willingly go.  Your husband has to file against both BM's.  If he's never been to court to have an established custody order, he needs to file for it.

Since family court is not cheap, I would strongly recommend only working on the custody of the 5 y.o. for right now.  Especially so that you can get him medical care and enroll him in school.  If your husband has had him for the majority of his life, he needs to be able to show proof of that (pics, videos, purchases, etc.).  He will also need to petition to have his name added to the birth cert.....he may need to do a DNA test to prove that, but that would be the first hurdle.  But I wouldn't try this without an atty. so look for a father-friendly one.

[ocean]

5 year old- Go to family court and fill out emergency temporary custody papers. It is usually free or small fee. In those papers, state father has had custody since XX date. You can call the courts first and see how to deal with the paternity. You probably have to add paternity papers to the custody papers. The temporary papers will give you custody in case mom goes nuts when she sees you went to court without her.

Another way to do it, is have a lawyer draw up papers and give her a deadline to go and sign them or you will file without her.

3 year old- Go to family court, fill out custody and visitation papers. If you are on that birth certificate you go right to visitation plan on papers. If you live close you can ask for 50/50 and negotiate from there. Look on here for parenting plans. They should include the days, times during the week you get child, holiday schedule, birthdays, and summer long breaks. What happens when child gets to school, write it in there. What you sign or agree to NOW stays until child is 18 so make it good. Look on here on great plans that have no negotiating room on when you have child. This paperwork should also be free or near free. Child support- You should not be giving mother any money unless it is court ordered. Most times they will count it as a gift. So if you do not have court order now, put money aside and wait for judge to make ruling. Then pay the bill.

If at any point either mother starts a messy court case, you can always hire a lawyer at any point.

[Kitty C.]

ocean....if the father isn't even on the 5 y.o.'s birth cert., wouldn't that need to be changed first?  How could he even file for emerg. custody if he's not even viewed as a biological parent in the first place?

[ocean]

Not sure...def have to go through the process but wanted to try and protect him once mom found out what he was doing. He can tell judge that he is willing to get paternity testing or get the testing first and offer that to get temp custody until it can be straightened out (since child never lived with mother). May or may not work...

[Kitty C.]

You're right...that certainly could be a possibility.  I'm just not sure he should try it without an atty.  If the child were much younger, it might not be as difficult, but given how long he's had the child with him without even having the proof that he is the father seems to be a larger hurdle to me.

[jcwarren4384]

Thank you both for your input. We will definitely be pursuing those options.

Kitty C.- I have had friends that asked their bm/bd to go to down to the court and they went.  They got everything straight and haven't had any problems. I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part, that things would be that easy for us.

[Kitty C.]

Well, I figured that if the 5 y.o. has been with his dad for almost all his life...and the BM wouldn't even consider that Dad should be on the BC or that there be some kind of custody order in place for the sake and safety of the child....I seriously doubted that the BM would want to willingly do it now, even if asked.

Also, there is a big difference between just verbally asking someone to go to court and filing a petition telling them they have to go.  Filing a petition and opening a case with family court is basically you AND the court asking/telling the BM she has to show up.  Consider this:  if Dad files a petition for emergency custody, asking for his name to be put on the BC, and ask for primary physical custody...and BM just refuses to respond whatsoever....the court would consider her to default and would probably award Dad with everything he asks for.  I certainly wouldn't be telling BM that and giving her a heads-up...if she isn't smart enough to realize that a petition filed against her in court is something that must be addressed, she shouldn't be allowed to make any decisions about her child's life....JMO.  And from what you've already posted about her, it sounds like she might be that stupid.....

[Davy]

It is my understanding that establishing paternity varies by state and that you may want to first discover the rules for your state.

Then going forward I would use language that the child is in NEED of protection by naming the natural father (self defining paternity) as the only CUSTODIAL parent providing on-going nuturing care since birth  and it has become necessary to legally formalize as true and correct.

Any resistance should be met with criminal child neglect and abandment.  Possibly parental termination.  That's the reality of the circumstances and is likely to be what would be brought if a father acted like this mother. .