Infidelity and now I am struggling

[prenticect]

I found out via facebook messages that my very slight suspicions were correct.  Turns out the wife has slept around at least once, but is also sexting with a couple of guys I used to know who just make me sick.

So basically, this so-called marriage is over for me at least.  Worst news, there are 2 kids and 1 on the way.  I now have to figure out is the new one is mine or not.  Her messages on Facebook said "I was careful".

So.. despite the fact that getting a divorce and all that I will see my existing 2 boys way less and I will have to pay her a fortune in child support..  I did the math and I am allowed to eat, have a place and a small beater vehicle, and that is about it...  with 3 kids they will take home close to 1/2 my net.  The kids will have to a new school district because the mom will get the main custody deal as with a new baby and standard rules.  I got a new\different job where I do not travel much at all but I still work and she does not so obviously she does more with them no matter how you spin it.

But despite all that I will deal with, here is the the thing that is going to get me the most..  I have not confronted her yet with all this simply because I am trying to think a little before reacting..  When we do talk about it.. she will blame me for it.  It will be all my fault.  We have been going to consoling as this thing has not been all that great from the start.  There are reasons on both sides, obviously.  So I am trying to prep my mind and responses to handle the deal of...  You did something really bad, but you are attacking me.  In fact you are not addressing anything you did, almost to the point of saying it is ok, but the whole issue is me.

That is what I will be dealing with.  On top of it all, I stopped a friendship because he cheated on his wife..  I could not do it.  So she knows the deal and she even agrees with me.  Well at the time.  She gives out all kinds of advise on cheating, how she would never do it and all that.  I mean she was on facebook taking to one of those guys saying how if she cheated that I would leave, in the context of this guy trying to get with her and then a few messages later there is explicit sex talk between them.

With all that... the initial struggle is with her attacking me with her wrong doing.  FYI, logic in any capacity means nothing to her.  Math is even wrong.  So have to be very creative in how to handle it.

Thanks all. 

[Giggles]

Before you confront her...give this website a try:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp)

Go to the Just found out forum...there are a lot of folks there that have gone through exactly what you're facing and have some awesome advice.  Check out a thread by Chopping Onions...it's masterful!!

Check out the infidelity rules for your state.  If you're in a no-fault state it won't help you much, but there are a few "fault" states still left...where if you're in one of those states the infidelity could have a bearing on custody issues.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...

[Kitty C.]

Wow........

Giggles, just out of curiosity, I checked out that site and that thread on the forum.....I was spellbound!  The guy was incredibly articulate, patient, and cool-headed!  FORTY PAGES for one thread??  Amazing!

[ocean]

I did not read the other page that was recommended but you need to get your ducks in a row.
Do not leave the marital home until a court orders you to. Fight it hard, she can leave but kids stay in house.
Go see a few lawyers, you should be able to file something either before or with the divorce that the children will remain at the house and can not be removed until the courts decision. If the children are school aged, they can not switch schools.
Ask for custody, or at least 50/50 for older two. The last one, ask for a paternity test right away. Have papers ready to go to file as soon as baby is born.

Start paying off your bills and taking your name off of joint bills except for house bills.