How would you handle it?

[gemini3]

I have several friends who are divorced women with children.  Most of them are really good about working with their ex regarding the kids, but a few of them are not, and two of them are very vocal about what a loser they think their ex is - especially on facebook.  Recently one of my friends, who I have known since childhood, but I don't see regularly anymore because we lives states away from each other, posted the following:  "
Dear ex husband.... never call me to tell me how sorry you are and that you miss MY children everyday as you are full of s**t."

Then one of her friends posted this:  "Just remember Dawn he was just the sperm donor and you got the best parts of him! I need to remind my ex from time to time about that."

and another one said this:  "
you are all so much better off without him you are doing a great job with the kids"
I don't think I need to explain why that thread would get my blood pressure up.

Just wondering how you all handle it when someone you know is alienating their children from the other parent, or when you see alienating behavior.  Do you call them out?  Do you call them out, but do it anonymously?  Do you try to give them material?  Or do you just stop dealing with them?


I have lost more than one friend over this stuff.  I think a lot of women feel that, by virtue of my gender, I should be on "their" side.  I try to explain that I am on the side of the children, and that they suffer when they don't have the benefit of a healthy relationship with both of their parents.  But, of course, that falls on deaf ears.  Once someone has decided they are right and the other one is wrong, and that they kids "belong" to them, there is little one person can do to change their mind.   

[Kitty C.]

'I have lost more than one friend over this stuff.  I think a lot of women feel that, by virtue of my gender, I should be on "their" side.  I try to explain that I am on the side of the children, and that they suffer when they don't have the benefit of a healthy relationship with both of their parents.  But, of course, that falls on deaf ears.  Once someone has decided they are right and the other one is wrong, and that they kids "belong" to them, there is little one person can do to change their mind.'

I haven't lost friends yet.....but I know I have had friends and co-workers who wonder 'who's side am I on.'   I also get the deaf ears when I explain I'm on the side of the child.  And I hate to 'fight fire with fire', but I'm always sorely tempted to say if they were willing enough to have the children with these guys in the first place, they can't be that bad.  And if these women knew before they had kids that the father-to-be was less than desireable, then they only have themselves to blame.

But I have told a couple that what they are doing is telling their kids that half of them (the father half) is 'bad' and they are seriously effecting the kids' self-esteem............at least I make them stop and think on that one.

[MixedBag]

I think that as a result of sites like this place that "we" are on a different level than mainstream folks.

I've shut a few people up when they make a similar "standard" comment like "Well, mom will get custody of course."  And I ask "Why?"  And get the company line from them.....and then I ask "Well, does that make me a bad mom because I don't/didn't have custody of my son?"  and they usually don't know WHAT to say because they know I'm a good mom, they like me, and just threw that stereotype right back out there.

It's really hard to bite your tongue when stuff like this happens and you see it, and one by one, bit by bit you can make a difference, a positive difference.

Most of my facebook friends don't say stuff like that -- because facebook is not the place for that.

I wonder what they would say if you clue'd them in that someone could hit "PRINT" and use their words against them down the road -- even if they have dad blocked, who knows WHO would be po'd enough to share what's going on.  (yea, sometimes EX#2 and Camilla would pi$$ on someone so bad, they'd pick up the phone and call me to let me know what's going on.)

Maybe a private message would get that Mom to start thinking -- like don't call her out on her words where everyone can see, but privately....and then banter or debate her back and forth with constructive criticism and feedback.

Maybe she's still in a spot in her life where she hasn't learned to heal from the divorce and simply refuses to move forward.....and you can help nudge her butt in the right direction.

[Apple]

Dear ex husband.... never call me to tell me how sorry you are and that you miss MY children everyday as you are full of s**t."

I hate when BM's use the phrase "MY children" when communicating to the BD.  My DH's ex does it all the time.  She feels entitled because she's the CP.  It shows the mindset of the BM and that she doesn't consider the BD an equal parent.  Only hurts the kids...