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[everydayson]

I have a 18 mo. old son. I am not married to mom. I paid an atty to help me est. parentage when he was 3 mo old. I pay support and insurance. We have not finalized the papers. I have not rushed him because I do not feel good about what he said I should settle for.

Atty says don't ask for shared custody because his mother did not want it.  My son is at my home M-F 8am-5pm and every other weekend (my mom helps me with him).

I know that my son's mom is drinking and drugging. Plus, she has left the baby with her mom and moved out. Her mom is covering for her. Her mom talks like she wants to keep my son.  

I don't want to mess up my chances of getting joint or full custody of my son. My atty has my money. What will help me the most? What move should I make.

[Stepmom0418]

The best advise I recieved when DH was going through this was.........ask for the moon and the stars and settle for less later down the line. So my advise is to ask for full custody based on all of what you said in your posts and settle for less if it comes to that.



You said that BM is drinking and using drugs, do you have solid proof of this? You can in some situations get the courts to order random drug testing and this might help. But you would have to be willing to submit to the testing as well.

What about a criminal record? Either you or BM? Also you may want to invest some money in a private detective so that you can prove BM is not taking care of the baby and has moved out and left baby in her moms care. Trust me BM and her mom will continue to cover for each other even down to telling lies in court unless you have solid proof.

If you are not happy with your attorney this early in the process I would also suggest looking for another attorney!

You didnt say much about your situation other than your mom helps you and that you have the baby m-f 8-5 and every other weekend. Just beware that the advsie I have given here is based on you being clean cut and not having "skeletons" in your closet that the courts or opposing attorney may have knowledge of. Also my advise is not legal advise because I am not an attorney!

If you post more specifics i am sure that others here have dealt with alot of the things that you are about to deal with. It doesn't seem to get easier with time either. It's not any diffent than an out and out war when you start fighting for the right to see your child!

Keep posting here and read as much info as you can to get familiar with the laws in your area! Education has been helpful with our case! Also you need to be documenting all the time you are with the child.

Good Luck!!

[MYSONSDAD]

My bro had this same situation, only mommy did not do drugs.

This is what I told him to do. KISS HER A$$. Estabish yourself as the nurturing, responsible parent. Use the time tracker here at SPARC and document the time you now have with your son. Take him when ever she offers, weekends, overnights etc.  What you need to do is establish yourself in the courts eye, you are a primary caregiver. Offer to take the child to doctor appointments. Set up a bedroom in your home, just for son, if you haven't already. Take plenty of pictures showing son in your home, pictures of the two of you together. If you have a digital camera, and can burn CD or DVD, you can back click on pictures to show time and date pictures were taken. There are judges that will accept this into evidence.

Stay quiet about your intentions. Do nothing until you have enough for the courts. 6 months of this will be worth the wait. Hire  a PI or get other proof of her hitting the bars. You can do alot of your own leg work. Check out Public records at the local courthouse. Bring paper and pencil. They usually will not let you print the info out, but you can write it down. If you have someone who is willing to go to court and testify in your behalf, ask them to also document.

Become a very active, involved father.

After a few months, my bro had his daughter with his surname and has established himself as a caregiver. They worked together on a parenting plan and kept the child out of the court system.

The one best thing you can do is document everything, keep good records, go for 3rd party documentation. ORGANIZE, FOCUS. Prepare for battle and do your homework. Just in case, it gets messy, you will have your t's crossed and i's dotted.

What state are you in? Learn your statutes, documenting and education is the key.

Child support paid thru courts or personal checks to her? Make sure your putting child support on any money given to her.

If she has moved out of her mothers house, it might not hurt to check with the post office for a forwarding address.

Good luck!

[everydayson]

Thanks for the reply and the Pi suggestion. I do not do drugs and I do not have a criminal record. She is 19. Someone told me that she drives drunk with the baby. I have been documenting when she brings the baby but I need to get more detailed.  This site is a blessing.

[everydayson]

This site is great. I appreciate the information in your reply. I know that I have work to do. Her mom says that BM will probably move back because her apt. is too small for a baby. Sounds funny to me.

[janM]

You say your mom helps out. Do you live with her? How much "help" does she give you?

Would you be able to parent him living on your own? BM could raise the argument that without your Mom you couldn't manage (like she should talk).

I would enroll in a parenting course and CPR. They are useful and show you are interested in bettering your skills.

[everydayson]

I have taken a parenting class, but not CPR.  Mom helps out a lot when I go to school and work.  I live 1/2 mi from mom.  Would it be better if I move home? I can't believe that I found real people on this site who are willing to give me such good info.

[MYSONSDAD]

Contact the Amercan Red Cross, they have several classes offered. One that would be helpful is first aid.

You might also want to do a child safety inspection in regard to the carseat. Studies found, most children are not properly secured in their carseat. You will need to bring your child for this. Call a local hospital or county Sheriff for the person who is qualified.

As for your mom, it will be an asset to have a good support system in a clinch, but the courts will also look at how you will work with the BM. Don't slam her or appear you are attacking her. Third party documents, witnesses will speak for themselves. You want to keep the BM involved with your child, might even consider a shared parenting plan with her, you having residential.

Keep your home, moving back in with your mother will show you are relying too heavily on your mothers support with care for your child. Stability is a very important factor. You need to show you can handle raising your child.
 
"Children learn what they live"