Help in custody battle... this isn't a normal case.

[JustADaddy]

Sorry this is so long... I'll put a summary at the bottom.

I separated with my cheating ex in 2008. She moved back in with her parents and took our then one-year-old daughter with her, but about a month later moved out and left our daughter there. At that point I couldn't afford to take care of her solely on my income, so I had no choice but to let that continue, and they put me on child support. In 2009 I was making more money and (as long as I wasn't paying support) I would be financially able to take care of her, but my daughter had just been diagnosed with epilepsy, so I decided not to pursue a custody suit and instead focus on her health until she was more stable.

In the summer of 2010, when she was 2-and-a-half, her seizures went out of control (she was having one every 30 seconds or so) and they had to put her in a coma. Then they operated to remove the part of her brain where the seizures were coming from. When they brought her out of the coma, she couldn't walk due to the atrophy in her legs from having been immobile for so long, but she was otherwise normal. But suddenly a few weeks later she stopped talking, and had mentally regressed to maybe a 6-month-old baby (we still have no idea why this happened; that mystery is a completely separate issue). Today she has very few seizures and is stable, but mentally 10-11 months old, still can't walk, and can only say a few words.

During this entire time my ex has never been there. She doesn't care at all. She sees our daughter (who doesn't even recognize her) once every other week when she comes to pick up my child support checks, which still go to her parents' address (as well as the child support for her son from a previous relationship, who also lives with her parents) along with her paycheck and all of her mail. Her parents are the ones enabling this situation to continue, and they're too old and incapable to take care of a special needs child; they can't continue her physical therapy at home (if they could she would probably be walking by now) or do any of the things needed to facilitate her recovery.

My fiancé, on the other hand, is a wonderful mother and takes care of my daughter as though she were her own (my daughter even calls her 'mommy'- it's one of the few words she can say other than daddy, and she has NEVER called my ex that). We want so badly to have full custody of my daughter. My lawyer is in the process of filing a petition to have the custody arrangement changed, and I'm meeting with the Department of Children and Families in a few days to report my ex's lack of contact with our daughter and that she's basically stealing child support. But my lawyer says that, despite our mountain of evidence, it could still go either way because all it would take is a sympathetic judge or DCF agent that wants to give my ex another chance at being a parent (even though she neglects both of her kids). FL courts are very biased toward the moms.

What do I do? Are there any advocacy groups I can contact? Additional evidence I might need? My fiancé and I are terrified of losing our daughter.

To sum it up: I'm trying to get custody of my mentally and physically disabled daughter, who is in the custody of my deadbeat, defrauding ex but actually lives with her (the ex's) parents. I have a lawyer but he says this may not be the open-and-shut case it seems because the courts in FL are very biased toward the mom. What else can I do?

[ocean]

Just keep getting proof that mom is not there a lot. Does she sleep at her parents every night? If mom is there every night it might be tough getting her out unless her parents will tell the truth on the stand. Some fathers instead go for joint custody with half time in each house. Try to prove that mom is not there and with daughter's medical conditions, you can make sure she is getting therapy every day. Is the therapist inside the house now? DO you live in same school district? The school district should be getting you services inside the home or in a special ed pre-school starting at age 3. Before that, the county you live in may provide in house therapy along with child's medical insurance. The school therapy is free to you.

Be careful how much you want to use your fiance. Try to say YOU will be able to do the therapy and make appointments. Even when you are married, she will not have any legal rights. Also, it may be wise (ask your lawyer) if you are married or at least have a date you will be married to tell the courts. Many judges are still old school.

Bio parents have the rights before grandparents and most states will not give grandparents any rights over the bio parent.

Thinking outside the box, what if you offered to take child more to mom, and keep child support the same (for a while). Then you can prove that you have child more...and after a while go back and modify support?

Who has actual custody in the court papers now? Mom or grandparents?

Not sure if turning in mom to cps now is the best thing either, might look like you are doing it on purpose to get custody...what does your lawyer think about that? You would have to prove that she is taking money and grandparents are using their money for food, shelter, clothes. If child is getting the medical care in the house, going to be hard to prove medical neglect too... just depends on the cps worker but they are so overloaded with cases....

[JustADaddy]

The mom doesn't live there, only pops in to pick up support checks... She's absent so much of the time that my daughter (while mentally very young, still active and aware) actually doesn't recognize her anymore.

We live in the same school district and my daughter has been going to a special ed school free of charge since shortly after she turned 3. Because she is now legally disabled, all of her therapy is provided free of charge so that's never been a problem, thankfully.

There has never been any formal custody arrangement, as far as actual court documentation goes... When we split up she applied for child support, and because we weren't married, they gave it to her. But even though there's nothing that says she's the primary custodial parent, I can't just take my daughter. They'd definitely call the police and I don't want that kind of situation to arise.

Going to DCF was actually my lawyer's idea. I know she has things (such as cable TV accounts) registered at other addresses, and she deposits my support checks (in their entirety) into an account under my daughter's name.

Thank you so much for your quick reply, by the way.

[tigger]

I don't have any advice but can give you a bit of encouragement.  I helped a friend (K) type up a statement to give to the father of a handicapped child (mentally and physically) to attest to his involvement and the behavior and socialization of the child while in his care.  He was single and not in a relationship, the child was living with the mother.  He got full custody of the child and she got visitation.  I'm not sure what all was going on (there wasn't abuse but maybe some neglect in that the mom wasn't doing ALL that could be done (and money was not an issue)).  Anyway, it broke my friend's heart to do it because she had been childhood friends with the mom but as she told me, "I can't let the child not get every opportunity she can while the mom figures out that she can survive the divorce."  (It was a few years after the divorce, the mom wanted it and discovered that the single life wasn't all it was cracked up to be.)  In this case while the mom wasn't BAD, the dad was the BEST for the child.  Maybe that'll give you some encouragement that you can succeed in getting the child and improving her environment and future.

And when I say I helped her, all I did was make it business-like and take the emotion out of the letter.

[JustADaddy]

That's very encouraging to read. From what I've heard, fathers getting sole custody is very rare because of the bias toward mothers, but in cases like mine and your friend's, it NEEDS to happen. I have the time, resources, and physical capabilities to care for my disabled child, and the other party doesn't.

[ocean]

If mom does not live there and there is not a custody order to change, then you "should" have a good shot at getting child. What has been the visitation schedule now?
Do you have proof of mom's bills at another address or any other way to prove she is not there on a daily basis? Are you involved in her daily schooling, do the teachers know you? have they met mom? YOu can ask that the teachers be at court (your lawyer can) and have them testify that YOU are there and never mom. That would he BIG, especially with a disabled child. Also, have you gone to dr appts? Have the dr write or give copies of records with it stating dad was at appt.

[JustADaddy]

There's no formal visitation schedule, but it usually goes like this- we visit her at grandparents' house every evening and take her for the day on the weekends. However, because this schedule isn't set in stone, the grandparents often modify it wheneve they feel like. That's always been a big issue; the grandparents feel as though THEY are my daughter's parents, not me, and act as such.

II don't have any documentation of the bills at other address; Can those be subpeaned (probably didn't spell that right)? My daughter has had many doctors and therapists over the past few years, and only one (the neurologist) has actually met mom. All of the others assume that my fiance is her mother, because we both attend all of her appointments.

[ocean]

Make a nice chart with the last 3-6 months, and color coordinate it, color the dates you had her for dinner at grandma's in one color, and days you took her away from grandma's in another color. Give to your lawyer.

If you are there every night and mom is not, you can call your finance to the stand and have your lawyer ask her that question and you that question (how often if ever is mom there when you go their each night? Does mom go to any dr appt? Does mom see the teachers at school?).

Is mom fighting you having custody? What is her say in all this? Does she have a lawyer? Is Grandparents fighting it or trying to ask for anything?

[JustADaddy]

That's a great idea. I'm going to start working on that.

No one is fighting for custody; as of right now, they have no idea I'm doing this. I imagine they will once I make my report with family services on Monday. The grandparents are under the false assumption that they have rights and power over my child (ex: "we LET you see her whenever you want"); grandma has threatened more then once to take me to court when I "get on her nerves" (i.e. try to spend more time with my daughter). I think they're going to try to fight me for custody, either through their daughter or on their own.