i want my equal time back

[wanttimeback]

i am trying to modify the current custody arrangement with my ex-husband.  we have joint legal and physical custody but he is the primary residential custodian.  this arrangment has been this way for 3 years.  i was ill 3 years ago and he swooped in and stole her away from me.  i am completely recovered now and my daughter and i deserve my time back together.  i only get to see her now 10-11 days per month and that just isn't enough.  she misses me so much.  she doesn't understand why she can't stay with me half the time like she use to.  she is afraid to tell her dad how she feels because she thinks she'll get punished.  my ex-husband is remarried now and my daughter spends so much time with her step-mother.  that just kills me and breaks my heart that she has to stay with her when she could be with me.   when my ex got remarried he got an instant babysitter.  i work hard and 50-60 hr/per week just to make ends meet.  i'm not even able to claim my daughter on taxes because of the current arrangement.  i want to change that as well.  if i could claim my daughter ever other year i would have some extra money and take her on trips or buy her nice things.  currently the custody decree states that we have to half the cost of after school cost but he hasn't helped pay for anything since may 04.  he says that he doesn't use afterschool so why should he have to pay for half of mine.  he also doesn't help me pay for half of her summer daycare either.  he says the decree says afterschool and not daycare.  what's the difference?  i get so frustrated and my wonderful daughter is stuck in the middle of things.  she knows i want her back at my home and her father won't let her.  she's so smart.  i want to take her to counseling so she can talk to someone about all these issues but her father won't consent and then talked her out of wanting to go and made her think it was bad to talk to a counselor.  i want to be told when he takes her out of town on trips and they go all the time.  my ex-husband has a dream job and only has to work 36hr/per week and he make twice the money i do.  i want my daughter to be able to stay with me if my ex isn't going to be home and she has to be with the stepmother.  i want to be the first option if she isn't going to be with my ex.  she should be with me over her stepmother or her step-grandparents.  my family is not available because they live in tx but they call and see her as much as possible.  are there any other mothers or father out there who have gone through even some of these things? any advice?  any suggestions?  how can i get my daughter back with her real mother?  help!!!

[ocean]

What does your parenting plan say now and how old is she? I am a little confused. Why do you have to pay any childcare if you only have her the 11 days? You could go back to court and ask for a modification of visitation based on your medical condition getting better. Will he agree to extra days on your weekends? I do have to say that the SM has taken care of her on a daily basis for the past 3 years while you were sick. Could you sit down with them and say that you would like some more time and come up with a solution together rather than going to court? I would try that first, but you need to say it nicely..."I know you both have taken care of her while I was sick but now that I am back on my feet, I would like to start to have more time with her. Could we try  XXX?"
As for the taxes, the law is whoever the child resides with most often during the year. Some people get it in their court order to alternate years.
Good luck!

[wanttimeback]

she is 11 y/o.  i have to use afterschool during the school year for the days i get her otherwise she would get to spend even more time with her father and stepmother.  then i would have to go to their home and pick her up.  i don't mind doing that but they don't want me at their home because of some instances we've had in the past that were unfriendly.  they requested a neutral drop off/pick up so i can't see their NEW home.  I have to use daycare during the summer because of the visitation i get now.  i have her every other f,sat,sun, mon. and then alternating wednesdays.  i don't use daycare much but i think he should pay half of it even if it's not afterschool.  i can't help it if my job doesn't allow me to stay home all the time like him and his new wife.  as far as us sitting down and talking it just cant be done.  i've tried because i really cant afford court.  we've even done mediation but that was a joke.  i really wasn't physically sick but just going through some very stressfull times.  i thought everything in life and everybody was against me.  i was a single mom, my ex was moving on with his life, my job was terrible, my family wasn't available to support me emotionally and i felt like there was nothing to live for.  i did in a split second what most of us feel like doing from time to time but at the last second i turned the wheel and didn't crash and got the help i needed.  i've been on antidepressants and go to counseling regularly.  i am 100% better now.  i just want the chance to prove it.  i hate that there is another woman TRYING to take my place.  she cant of coarse because i am the one who gave birth to her not her.  he won't agree to any extra weekends or days.  he won't agree to anything that changes his and his new wifes perfect little life.  but the problem is they are trying to live it with my daughter.  she isn't her daughter.  my daughter wants to come back to me on 50/50 basis but he doesn't care.  he thinks i'm coaching her and i'm not.  she's changing and growing up and she needs me.  i appreciate her step mother stepping in when i wasn't there but enough is enough.