Family Evaluation??? I don't think so...

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am a NCM.  My current Dh has bipolar disorder.  As many people with bipolar who have not been correctly diagnossed, he has had many brushes with the law before we met.

My X has used my spouse's past to gain custody and maintain it.  My kids are laienated.  They tell me openly that they will tell the judge adn evalautors exactly what thier father tells them to say.

I have continued the fight.  This has been so hard on my Dh.  he has so much guilt for the situation.  Everything he does or doesn't do is magnified adn broughtt o the court's attentetion.

We have beent thru two home studies or custody evals as we call them here. The first evlautor told out right llies.  The second just omited any alllegations I made against my X and refused to cite in his report any of the evidence I showed him of how my X doesn't parent the children.

But in 9th grade my son nearly failed out of school.  I was the paretn who stepped up tot he plate adn emailed teachers and had the schools backing in insisting son attened after school tutoring.  I had all those emails as evidence.

My children, as promised, told the judge they didn't want extra time with me at my last hearing for custody mod.  But they also told the judge many wonderful things we had done with them.  And my son couldn't bering himself NOT to tell the judge that it was his mom who helped him pass 9th grade.

The judge still refused to cahnge the order becasue by that time my son was getting A's and B's.  I guess I could have let him fail and then I'd have had custody.  But tio me "best interests of the child" is more than just a phrase.

I asked the judge to order the counseling my X had refused to undergo with me.  He refuses to sit in the same room with me.  After a behind closed door meeting with the counselor the coulnselor refused to see us toghter.  Needless to say, nothing is getting accomplished in counseling.

So I flied a contemtp motion on six counts.  i won on every count.  X never turned up for the hearing.  he was fined adn now the counseling must be "meaningful with the purpose of ensuring that no more comtept of ocurt orders occur.".

Please rething the evaluation you are being asked ot undergo.  if your wife loves you she will stick by you thru it.  My husband has had his good name draged thru the mud.  Every psychiatirst who ever treated him.  Every brush with the law he has ever had has been fodder for the court in our case.  yet he still stands beside me.  he does it becasue he knows it would break my heart not to beable to see my children and that is my X's ultimate goal.

My Dh has many more skeletons i nhis closet that the average person. Although none of them really have to do with custody and my kids enjoy my Dh's company. I am sure that your wife and kids don't have a thing to worry about with regard tot he process.  They don't expect you to be a saint.  Please don't give up.

This is a game won by inches, not yards.  Not sure who said it, but it is true!

[Cookiemomma4]

I don't understand how you are giving up your dignity if you follow through with this evaluation.  Maybe you can explain it to me.  Do you have something to hide?  
We are going through this now for my hubby's daughter.  We don't care what kind of evaluation we are facing, we do it without question.  We don't feel the need to hide from anything since we have the truth on our side and we can proove every last point or counterpoint that has been brought into the case.  This young lady that we are fighting for has told some duzy lies herself.  To hear her tell we are evil people who make her do hours of slave labor and punish her all the time for no reason.  Why wouldn't she think that since she has no chores or responsibilities at her mother's home?  And there seem to be no consequences for her actions there either (not that she is there very often as she is in day care it seems between 11 and 12 hours a day).  
IMHO, it is standing up for your honor and dignity to let the truth be known and heard...unless you have something to hide...Am I wrong?

[wendl]

Well in my dh's case they brought up the fact that year ago (my son is 14 now) his father was 15 and I was 20 when we had my son.  The GAL never talked to my ex or anything, she said untrue things about me, I had to testify in my husbands case shortly after having a miscarriage.

The court ordered that I be supervised with my stepkids until I went thru a complete physc eval and counseling cuz the GAL said untrue crap about me.  

I told my dh I would go thru the crap, he said "NO" you have nothing to prove to me, yourself or my family and I will not have you go thru that.

He got reduced visitation etc.  We ended up moving out of state, we miss his kids,  but our life is much better and the small town we live in is much better for my teenager.

Sometimes you need to do what is best for you and your family.  We miss the stepkids and think about them everyday, we see them during school breaks and enjoy every minute with them.  But we also do not need to feel like we have to look over our shoulders or anything like that.

We are happy with our life and our decision, his kids know we love them and explained to them that we moved not because of them, but to better their futures.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kitty C.]

There's one thing you need to remember at ALL times throughout this entire process:  Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  She is asking for this, hoping that you will respond exactly this way, as she obviously knows what buttons to push.  Jump through EVERY hoop that's put in your path, or you could loose some or all of what little you already have.

One thing I remembered from the very beginning of my relationship with DH is that living well is the best revenge.  BM tried like he!! to discredit not only DH, but myself as well.  Fat chance...I knew I had nothing to hide and the wellbeing of my SS was at stake.  Neither one of us cared what we had to go thru, if it protected SS.  So not only did it piss her off that we were standing strong AND together, but living happily besides.  That just made her angrier!  And now that she's gone thru a second divorce (while we appear to be living 'happily ever after'!), she seems to finally come to the realization that DH and I make a very formidable team.  

As long as you keep the focus ONLY on the children, you will have a much better approach and attitude that will convey to her you can't and WON'T be messed with.  How you handle yourself thru all this will be vital.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.